Bethany's Box

JUST THE TWO OF US

2011-09-19T17:21:00.000-07:00

Psalm 142

After spending most of my life with the Lord, I have seen certain patterns and cycles play out that reveal a lot about who I am, and also about who the Lord is in relation to me. Sometimes I feel as though I'm a dog on the leash with the Lord. I love my master and I want to obey, but inch by inch I slowly eek my way ahead of him and the pace he's got me going at. I want to go ahead, follow my nose and lead us down the path that I choose. But it is when I get to the end of that length of leash that I realize in going too far, I don't get to experience freedom, I just end up choking myself.

I'm not talking about sin patterns here. I'm more just talking about living life, thinking that you are heeling right by the Lord, when in reality, you are slowly inching away from him. One day you look up and realize that he's much farther away than you ever thought and really the only thing that brings you back to him is the fact that your straying has left you feeling tight and choked.

When this happens, I am brought not only to the end of my 'leash', but to the end of myself. And it is in these dead ends of spiritual exhaustion that I am reminded of and comforted by these words, "When my spirit grows faint within me, it is you who know my way." (Pslam 142:3)

I can aimlessly wander, but when I get to the end of myself- it is He who remains steadily walking on the same path that we started on. It is he who remains as I return.

And then, as I come back to walk in step with my master, I recant the words I have said a hundred times before: "Well Lord, here we are again- just you and me." At the end of the day, that's all it ever will be. Regardless of what family, friends and other relationships I have in my life- it is always just him. and. me. And I'm thankful for that. There is a tenderness and security in that which cannot be found in anything on this earth.

Thanking the Lord today that He is steadfast. That He walks the same path that He set out on an eternity ago. And praising Him that no matter how many times I get distracted and wander off- he is always, ALWAYS there, to welcome me home. How great is his love for us- for me!

"Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good; his love endures forever!" Psalm 118:1

Lord, you are so patient and tender with me. Thank you, that no matter what I do, how I forget you or how far I wander- you always wait for me. And thank you, that I can come back to walk in step with you, and find rest in knowing it's just you and me. Forever and always. You are so good to me.

HOW DEEP THE FATHER'S LOVE FOR US

SAY UNCLE!!! (Holding onto God with a death grip)

2011-08-11T09:52:00.000-07:00

Genesis 32:22-32

Let me preface today's entry with a disclaimer: I do not profess to fully understand the ways in which God works regarding blessing. I do not hold to the teachings of the prosperity gospel (i.e. the idea that God is Santa Claus and just wants to give you a bunch of 'stuff' to make life for you happy and comfortable.) It is my belief that God doesn't necessarily want us to be primarily happy, but HOLY. However, I do know that God offers blessing upon blessing to those he loves. In fact, a www.biblegateway.com search on the word 'bless' offered 388 findings! James 1:17 says that "Every good and perfect gift is from above." So, as you read today, please don't hear me say that God is at my mercy, being pulled with puppet strings to give me all my 'wants'. That is not what I am aiming to proclaim.

Now, onto today's good stuff.

I grew up in a home with two older brothers. Being the youngest and a girl, it only made perfect sense that I would be mercilessly harassed pretty much all the time. I have many, many memories of being pinned beneath the strong arms of one of the boys and being required to utter words acknowledging their supremacy over me. If I refused to say "Uncle!!", I remained a prisoner of their dominance. Sound familiar to anyone else?

I love, love this passage describing Jacob's struggle with God. First of all, how amazing is it that Jacob was allowed to physically wrestle with the God of the universe? Obviously, God could have overpowered him. But he allowed Jacob to exert all the strength that he could while letting Jacob [likely] feel like just maybe, it was somewhat of a fair match. Which, leads me to believe that maybe God just wanted to see how hard Jacob would try to invest himself in this struggle. Like, how much did Jacob care? Because, you've heard the saying that you can't hate someone you didn't love first. You can't have a vicious, violent argument with someone unless you have deep seeded emotion towards them.

When I came to verse 26 and read "I will not let you go unless you bless me." I thought, 'whoah- pretty bold words there, Jacob! Gettin' a little big for your britches, dontcha think?! How dare you demand such a thing from the Sovereign God?!' But you know what? God did exactly what Jacob asked!

I immediately began thinking about what blessing from God looks like. I know that I do not control God or force him to do as I please. I might 'wrestle' with him. But if for some reason, I do end up on top, with him pinned beneath me, it's only because he humored me enough to let me think I've got a leg up. Similar to running a 'race' with a toddler- as a grown adult you could destroy the kid in a matter of steps, but out of love for them, you let them keep pace with you and ultimately, surrender the win so the kid feels good about themselves. But everyone obviously knows, the toddler cannot actually win against you.

I also thought very much about what it looks and feels like to wrestle and revisited my childhood memories. And God reminded me: you cannot wrestle with someone you are not holding onto for dear life. If your grip is not a death grip- you are not wrestling at all. And in this section of scripture, why does it say God blessed Jacob? Because he struggled with God. This so encouraged me to keep up the faith, keep up the fight and HOLD ON for dear life. Struggles can sometimes be ugly, but you cannot, cannot let go- or you lose everything.

I do not know the specifics of what God can and will bless me with in this life. There are things I hope for, but don't necessarily feel as though He has promised them to me. But there is one thing I know, that I know, that I know that He has promised me with: HIMSELF. He has promised to be my portion, to be enough for me, always be with me, to never leave me or forget me.

After reading this scripture, I am choosing to continue struggling with God, to hold onto him with a death grip- shouting "But you promised!!!" and "I'm not letting go!".

While I will continue to ask my heavenly father for particular blessings, I know, in the deepest depths of my heart- that there is no blessing greater than the opportunity to know Him on an intimate level.

Oh Lord, forgive me for the moments where I begrudge you for having me struggle with you. And thank you for using the struggle to bless me. Thank you for giving me eyes to see that in the wrestling match, my prize is that I get to hold on to you for dear life. While I pray for your providence and your tangible blessings in my life, I pray that you would keep my heart rooted in the real prize: intimacy with you. Thank you for hearing me, loving me and never, ever forsaking me. I love you, Lord.

Romans 9:13 "Jacob I have loved...."

Hebrews 10:23 "Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful."

WHAT'S YOUR SONG?

2011-08-01T10:16:00.000-07:00

Psalms 40

Come thou Fount of every blessing,

tune my heart to sing thy grace;

streams of mercy, never ceasing,

call for songs of loudest praise.

Teach me some melodious sonnet,

sung by flaming tongues above.

Praise the mount! I'm fixed upon it,

mount of thy redeeming love.

"He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and the mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God."

The bible talks an awful lot about the things that come out of our mouth. There are far too many scriptures to reference in this short blog, but for starters, check out what James 3 has to say about the use of our mouth. It is with our mouth that we vent our frustrations, shout for joy at victory, quietly curse the driver in front of us, utter our prayers before God and, also, sing our praises to him.

Reading Psalm 40 verse 3 today, I was struck by the word new. Why did the pslamist need a new song? To say he was in need of a new song implies that he already had a song, but it was old and worn out. What was his song about? The 'new song' verse is preceded with mention of his life of despair. (The words 'slimy pit', 'mud' and 'mire' all paint this picture.) I can only imagine that the chorus to the old song was likely very "Woe is me♪♬". While God put a new song in his mouth that was "a hymn of praise to our God."

In light of this, I have no choice but to look at myself and examine what song song I am singing. Am I using my mouth to sing a song of frustration, complaining or even pitifully singing a "Woe is me" lullaby to myself? (All of which 'songs', I might add, are self-focused, not God-focused.) OR am I leaning on the Lord and allowing Him to put a new song in my mouth; a song of praise to him? If I continue to choose the former songs to sing, then Lord have mercy on me. For, "out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks." (Luke 6:45). If all I have to sing about is the woeful things that weigh on my heart and mind, then it's time for a sobering heart check.

My prayer today, for me and for you is that we prayerfully consider what is the 'abundance' of our hearts and then ask God to give us a new song, one that brings praise to him and sets our hearts' focus on who he is and what he has done.

Oh Lord, you are so merciful and so faithful. While I constantly turn back and turn inward, focusing on myself and groaning with self pity and complaint, Lord- you are so faithful to replace my muddiness with the beautiful songs of your praise. Lord, be not far from me today as I cling to you to give me songs of joy, peace and praise to you. Let me sing a song of adoration, with my gaze fixed firmly on you.

Hebrews 12:2 "Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith..." (NIV)

Proverbs 23:7 "For as a man thinketh within himself, so is he...." (ASV)

Psalm 32:7 "You are my hiding place; you will protect me from trouble and surround me with songs of deliverance."

I adore old hymns and this one is one of my favorites. Please have a listen..... Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing.

He Has Made Me Glad

2011-07-16T21:43:00.000-07:00

1 Samuel 1

Elements of a story I just read: a love triangle, the tragedy of a barren woman, spiteful cattiness between rival women, bitter weeping, 'craziness', healing (of hearts), miracles, and somehow, a happy ending. Um, is this a soap opera? No, it would be 1 Samuel chapter 1. I'm not going to give any more details of this chapter. It is such a juicy chunk of scripture, you simply must read it for yourself. Go ahead. Do it now. I highly suggest you do your homework for this one, because there may or may not be a pop quiz on the reading today. I'm just sayin'. (The text can be accessed using the link at the top of this post, it's pretty simple.)

Ok, now that you've done your reading, I've got a few questions for you coming away from reading 1 Samuel 1.

Q1. Who is your taunter?

Q2. What does he say?

Q3. What are you believing God for in prayer?

Q4. When was the last time, like Hannah, you poured out your heart to the Lord? (Psalm 62:8)

If you're stuck pondering the answers to the questions, no worries, I've prepared a cheat sheet.

A1. The Devil. Satan. Lucifer. Call him what you want, but ultimately, he's the 'taunter' of us all. (John 8:44)

A2. You can't trust God. He won't do what he said and/or he won't do what's good for you. (Genesis 3:1-5)

A3. I can't answer this one for you, it's different for all of us and most likely evolves as we journey through this life.

A4. Again, only you know the answer to this one, but if it hasn't been recently, I encourage you to ask God to break open the floodgates in your heart so that you might be able to pour out on him the deepest, truest thoughts/feelings/fears in your heart. He can handle it.

While I thoroughly enjoyed reading this chapter in it's entirety, my absolute favorite verse was 18, "...Then she went her way and ate something and her face was no longer downcast." Doesn't sound like much, until you consider the reality sandwiched around this seemingly superfluous detail. Hannah was in desperate need. She chose to pour out her heart to God. She pleaded with him, petitioning his merciful power to meet her needs. Then, just like that, she was no longer sad. Sure, it was a choice she made. But it wasn't a choice based on her circumstances, or on blessings poured out on her. Her choice was based, in faith, on the unchanging God. She could choose to be glad, because she knew he could be trusted.

I already said it, but I will say it again. If you have not poured out your heart to God recently, Psalm 62:8 style, you're just hurting yourself. It is so often, in this emptying out before him, that he shows up with the gift of faith that is enough to hold fast. Enough to make you glad.

*BONUS QUESTION*
Have you chosen to BELIEVE the word of the Lord and then, therefore, choose to 'no longer be sad'? If not, then I encourage you to not wait on your circumstances, but be encouraged by believing in faith. Stand firm on the promises of his faithfulness. He is faithful.

(Note: Hannah didn't decide to 'no longer be sad' once she became pregnant, but once she believed in the Lord's goodness and faithfulness to come through on His promise to her. It was a response to her faith.)

Lord, you are so good to me. You are faithful and you can be trusted. You are the strength of my heart and my portion. I will trust in you. Because you hear my prayers and care deeply for me, I will choose to be glad. Let me bless you with praise from my mouth and worship from my heart. I love you, Lord.

Psalm 21:6
Surely you have granted him unending blessings and made him glad with the joy of your presence.
Psalm 31:7
I will be glad and rejoice in your love, for you saw my affliction and knew the anguish of my soul.

**Give an ear to this beautiful worship song by Hillsong, "Made Me Glad"

HEALING IN THE WORD

2011-07-14T11:10:00.000-07:00

Psalm 107

I recently began a new small group with some sisters in Christ and we had a lengthy discussion about accountability, prayer and confession. So often, we are so afraid to admit to others our weaknesses and failings, but 1 John reminds us that "If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness." (1 John 1:8-9) and James 5:16 says "Therefore, confess your sins to each other so that you may be healed."

We don't often think about our need for healing as much as we think about our 'needs' in general. For example, I pray more frequently than I would like to admit about my 'need' for success in work, a mate to partner with, comfort in my circumstances and ease for the goings on of my day ('Lord, help me to have a good day.') And while I do ask for forgiveness, I think my heart is often positioned more towards the need for cleansing than healing. What I'm considering now is the biblical relationship between forgiveness-cleansing-healing.

I will also admit, I am very much an avid practicer of Psalm 62:8 "...POUR out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge.". Being that I am a private person that is not often comfortable wearing my heart on my sleeve or sharing my emotions with other people, I treasure that I can pour my heart out on God. He is a place where I can do my verbal 'dumpings'. Sometimes I am torn about these emotional avalanches that cascade out of my heart and onto the shoulders of God. I think maybe I shouldn't be so focused on praying out my 'feelings' to God and rather, it would be more spiritually mature to be praying something more noble; to have a heart like his, to pray for the lost, to meditate on his word, etc.

I was comforted today when I read Psalm 107 that not only is it okay for me to cry out in emotional distress, but in doing so, I will find the healing that I so desperately need (whether I realized I'm in need of healing or not.) v. 19-20 "Then they cried to the Lord in their trouble, and he saved them from their distress. He sent forth his word and healed them; he rescued them from the grave."

Break it down now: 1. Cry out. I.E. my verbal dumpings/avalanche of emotions

2. Be healed. Not just be listened to or be comforted but be healed.

What struck me most about this verse was how the Lord says he will heal you. By changing your circumstances? By taking away painful things in your life? By giving you a tougher skin against adversity?

By. His. Word.

Based on scripture, I know at least two things about his Word.

GOD'S WORD IS

Powerful "The Word of God is living and active, sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart." (Hebrews 4:12) and John

Eternally Jesus "In the beginning was the Word and the Word was with God and the Word was God." (John 1:1)

In light of all this, thanking God today for this little nugget: "Your word, O Lord, is eternal; it stands firm in the heavens." (Psalm 119:89)

Thank you Lord, that you are a refuge for the mess that is my heart. Thank you that you are big enough to handle my emotional dumpings. And thank you, Lord, that through your unchanging nature, you offer me healing that I so desperately need. Your spirit is a tall drink of water to my thirsty soul. I pray, Lord, that you keep inscribing your word onto my heart as on to stone tablets. Let me not forget the word you've offered me, but cling to it in faith that what you have said is already done. You are my portion, and I will find my joy in you. I love you, Lord.

Sabbatical??

2011-05-14T09:20:00.000-07:00

My blogs have been noticeably absent in the last 8-9 months. For those of you who faithfully check in on this blog, I a) So appreciate and am so encouraged by the fact that you are even interested in what is written here; and b) Am sorry that I haven't been actively sharing with you what the Lord has been teaching me. I knew, when I started writing this blog, that it would be a system of self-accountability. If I hadn't written, then it would be obvious that I hadn't been lending my ear to the Teacher long enough (or intentionally enough) to really grasp what He was saying to me. And therefore, would be encouraged to stay walking in the Word, so I'd have much to report here. That being said, I will (sadly) admit that I have not studied the Word with as much voraciousness in the most recent months as I have at some other times in my life. But, nevertheless, the Lord has still been teaching me many things over these past months.

All that to say- I'm back. :) With great conviction and a real hunger. Not just to study God's word, but rather, to let the Word read my heart. As I reflect on my walk, I realize I have been all too comfortable reading the Bible for the purpose of studying to gain knowledge and understanding. While knowledge and understanding of His truth is good, I feel Him leading me even deeper than that. Time for me sit still and quietly, and meditate on the things He has written on my heart.

"But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart." Luke 2:14

Lord, Thank you that you wait patiently for me to slow down enough hear you. Thank you, compassionate Father, that the greatest treasure is not in understanding your word, but in knowing you and the depths of your heart. Thank you, for writing your truths into my heart. And thank you Jesus, that you are patient with me while I ponder these things as you open my eyes to the precious Glory of your Spirit in me.

EVEN JESUS HAD TO WAIT

2010-09-14T11:38:00.000-07:00

John 2:4 " 'My dear woman, why do you involve me?' Jesus replied. 'My time has not yet come.'"

"In the beginning was the Word, and Word was with God, and the Word was God. He was with God in the beginning. Through him all things were made; without him, nothing was made that has been made." (John 1:1-3)

Here, 'The Word' = Jesus, the diety, the son of the Trinity. Jesus, the Word, has been around since before the beginning of time. And, all that time, Jesus was, and is, God. Time is a funny thing. A minute feels like a year when you are anxious; when joyful, a year feels like a minute. I am bound by time that seems to constantly change shape depending on my circumstances. And when I feel as though I'm waiting on my turn for the next steps in my life, time. just. seems. to. d r a g. In the selfish pride of my flesh, I feel above the need to wait. I feel as though, if I am destined for something; be it a job, a relationship, a new home or car- then of course, I must deserve it now rather than later. I feel certain that I am not alone in this feeling of entitlement.

Jesus was 30 years old before he began his earthly ministry. Jesus, the God-man himself who was around before we could fathom the idea of time, walked this earth for 30 years in waiting. He knew of his destiny and his ministry before he was conceived in Mary's womb. He knew of it as a young boy, sitting at the feet of the rabbis in the temple. He knew of it as a young man as he trained to be a carpenter. And yet, even still, when his mother called him to use his divine power to act, he responded with "My time has not yet come." Even though he knew what his purpose and his plan was, he still had to wait. God had to wait!!

What do you feel you're waiting on?

Are you waiting with anxiety as you pace around in circles in your heart until the time comes?
Are you waiting with an indignant heart that feels you deserve more than this seemingly useless time on the sidelines?

OR

Are you waiting, in perfect peace, on the Lord, who is both sovereign and good?

I must confess that I often do not wait very well. Most of the time, I wait anxiously, with fear that my time will never come. My prayer, is that I will wait, not on my next circumstances to finally arrive. Rather, that I will wait, spending my time sitting at the feet of the Lord, simply resting in his presence. I pray that he will use my time on the sidelines not as a time to continually shout "Put me in, coach! I'm ready! Put me in-- I know I can play!", but as a time that I study the skills of those on the field, to focus in on the wisdom and leading of the coach--- basically, that I use my time of preparation to actually prepare. And regardless of whether or not I ever get to play, I will know that God is still good.

Lord, thank you for the example you've given me in Jesus. When I need to grow in humility, please reveal to me the pride of my heart that feels entitled to be blessed with a next step, even though you have called me to wait. You are good and what you do is good. Teach me to wait on YOU.

Psalm 27.14 "Wait for the Lord. Be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord."
Psalm 130:5-6 "I wait for the Lord, m soul waits, and in his word I put my hope. My soul waits for the Lord more than watchmen wait for the morning, more than watchmen wait for the morning."
Isaiah 26:8 "Yes, Lord, walking in the way of your laws, we wait for you; your name and renown are the desire of our hearts."
Isaiah 30:18 "Yes the Lord longs to be gracious to you; he rises to show you compassion. For the Lord is a God of justice. Blessed are all who wait for him!"
Isaiah 64:4 "Since the ancient times no one has heard, no ear had perceived, no eye has seen any God besides you, who acts on behalf of those who wait for him."

STAND FIRM!

2010-08-20T11:45:00.000-07:00

Verse: 2 Thessalonians 2:15 "So then, brothers, stand firm and hold to the teachings we passed on to you, whether by mouth or letter."

What are the teachings passed on to you? Some teachings we get from our upbringing, some from our culture, some from hard life lessons, some from the pulpit. I encourage you to be still, or as the NASB bible says 'cease striving' (Psalm 46:10) and ponder the 'teachings' the Lord has spoken to your heart. When I read this verse, the Lord used it to empower me with his Spirit to hold fast to all the things that his scripture, his heart, and his voice have taught me. In response to this, I wrote out a list of things that He has called me to 'stand firm' in. Read over mine, and then I encourage you to make a list of your own. Regardless of the whether the content of our lists is the same, we both know that you have plenty to put on your list. The Lord calls all of us to general things (love your neighbor as yourself, etc) but he also speaks specific things to each one of us. Listen to what he has said in your heart, what has at one point or another been in your gut and in in your spirit and STAND FIRM, by the power of the Holy Spirit ("which is not a spirit of fear, but of love, of power and of self control" 2 Timothy 1:7 NLT)

God has said to me, Bethany:
STAND FIRM on his promise to be enough. (Psalm 73:25-26)
STAND FIRM on the work he has already done to set my heart free. (Psalm 119:32)
STAND FIRM on the truth that he won't let me fall or let me go. (Psalm 37:23-24, Genesis 28:15)
STAND FIRM on the truth that he's always with you. (Hebrews 13:5)
STAND FIRM on the power of his Holy Spirit to strengthen you- to take your thoughts captive and submit them to him. (2 Corinthians 10:4-6)
STAND FIRM on his call to obedience in purity, righteousness, diligence and discipline. (1 Timothy 4:12, Ephesians 4:1, 1 Timothy 4:7-8, Hebrews 12:1)
STAND FIRM on HIM-- He is your stable refuge in this constantly wavering world (Psalm 18:2)

Thank you Lord that you are faithful to speak these things specifically to me. You love me enough to call me directly by name. And Lord, thank you for the truth, that if you call, you will be faithful to supply my need to do what you have asked of me. You are good and you are faithful. I will trust you as you call me to stand firm in your calls to obedience. I love you, Lord.

BEING KNOWN

2010-08-20T11:39:00.000-07:00

Since I have been a christian virtually all my life, (even if at times only in profession, rather than relationship and action) I have pursued knowing God for most of my life. Since I have an understanding about who God is, what his word says and general principles about how he operates, I have felt, for a long time, that I have 'known' God. While this is true that I know him, I am realizing now that there are so many more layers to the depths of knowledge of him. As I write this even now, I think about people that I 'know': I 'know' the guy who lives two doors down from me-- we say hello when we pass by in the morning. I 'know' my boss at work, we talk everyday. I 'know' my pastor at church- although we have only spoken face to face once. I 'know' my best friend since elementary school. I 'know' my brothers, sister and parents. And, I 'know' myself. Lots of different ways to 'know' someone, right? I'm learning now, that relationship with God isn't about 'knowing' him as we are used to knowing people. What God is teaching me today, is that they only way I can know him (beyond the way I 'know' my neighbor and my boss) is in being known by him.

Picture a 90 year old woman who is an invalid. She must be spoon fed, she must be dressed by someone, she must be pushed around in a wheelchair, she must even be bathed, completey naked, by another person--- she is incapable of doing any of these things for herself. Picture now, that I am that invalid old woman. The Lord, in his tenderness, is showing me, that even in my most simple of needs, I am incapable of caring for myself. I cannot feed myself, he must. I cannot direct my own 'steps' in my wheelchair, he must guide and propel me. And, as much as I resist and dislike being completely bare naked before him to get my bath-- there is an unbelievably sweet comfort in doing so. With the precision with which feeds me, the careful care he takes in guiding me, and the tender respect with which he bathes me, in my utter nakedness, I KNOW that he loves me. It's in being bare before him, with him seeing all, knowing all, and doing all that I can know his heart for me. He cares for me tenderly because he loves me. In my infirmities and the needs they cause, it is HE who cares for me. When I am too weak to pick up my spoon and feed myself, it is He who feeds me. When I am too frail to stand from my wheelchair, it is He who carries me into the bed. It is HE who meets all my needs and is with me every moment awaiting readily. He knows my every need and exactly the moment I need it. I've never known a love so sweet. I've never known my Lord so well. And the sweetest part is, this is only the beginning! He has all of eternity to show me more and more of who he is. My lesson today? Just let go, get undressed and get in the tub. He loves me enough for it to be ok. That's the Jesus I know.

Lord, there is so much peace in comfort in being known. Your word says you have searched me and you know me. You know all my ways, all my thoughts, all my actions even before they are. And yet, you still love me. I cannot fathom your love for me. But, I know that it is true, and it is for me. Thank you, sweet Jesus, my savior and king, that you love me with such a complete tenderness. You are the lover of my soul. I am so glad that I am yours.

VIDEO/SONG: "Psalm 139 (You are there)" by Mercy Me

Romans 5:8 "But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us."
John 3:16 "But God so loved the world [you and me], that he gave his only son, that we might not perish, but have everlasting life."
Zephaniah 3:17 "The Lord your God is with you, he mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing."
Deuteronomy 14:2 "The Lord chose YOU to be his treasure possesion."

RESPONSE ATTACK

2010-07-19T11:23:00.000-07:00

THE DEVIL ATTACKS US CONSTANTLY...COUNTER THE ATTACKS OF HIS LIES WITH THE ULTIMATE WEAPON OF GOD'S UNCHANGING TRUTH.

To be very candid, I must admit a current struggle I'm going through in order to communicate what the Lord is speaking to me on it. It is common knowledge that most people desire to find a mate, with women being especially preoccupied with impending marriage. As I cross another birthday (ripe old age of 28!) and watch many of my friends (who are younger than me, I might add) step into marriage, I admittedly struggle with my own marital fate. I trust the Lord. I trust in his plan for me. But, like so many christians, if not all, my head is at odds with my heart. My head tells me that God has a "good, pleasing, and perfect will for me" and that he "has plans to prosper me and not to harm me" but my heart seems to bellow within me the repetitive "when?!" and "Will you actually do what you say?!" Even as I write those words my heart has been speaking, I have to own up to the similarity I see between my own question and the very first lie ever told to humans by the devil, which is: "Did God actually say...?" (Genesis 3:1)

As I have been bringing this struggle to the Lord, he has been showing me where my struggle has very little to do with marriage, singleness and/or trusting Him. On the contrary, my struggle is about being manipulated by lies instead of resting in His Truth. As an exercise in recognizing this battle being waged within me, I made a chart comparing and contrasting the lies I was believing from the devil to the Truth of God's unchanging word.

DEVIL’S LIES	GOD’S TRUTH
God won’t provide a husband for me.	God is Jehovah Jireh, which means, “the Lord will provide” (Genesis 22:14)
God has forgotten me.	Zephaniah 3:17 says “The Lord your God is with you, He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing.” If this is how God loves me, with such great delight, with me as his treasure—then he will surely not simply ‘forget’ me.
He alone is not enough.	It’s not that he doesn’t love me enough, it’s that he IS enough. Marriage, a husband, a family will not fulfill me; He will. Psalm 73:25-26 says that HE is my portion, HE will fill me and be enough for me. “Whom have I in heaven but you? And earth has nothing I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.”
He doesn’t love me enough to bless me with marriage.	1 Peter 5:8, John 8:44 and John 10:10 all tell us that the Devil is an outright *liar* who is dead-set on devouring and destroying me. Whatever the devil is speaking to me is complete and total garbage and in direct opposition to the goodness of God’s Truth. God tells me to recognize the devil’s lies and hold them up against His Truth---- they won’t hold up.

I encourage you to ask God to show you where you are believing the Father of Lies instead of God's holy and unchanging truth. The devil came to destroy me and you. He is a manipulator and deciever. Pray for God's protection and power as you strive to hold fast to His promises. God alone is faithful.

Lord, thank you for your faithfulness. And thank you for opening my eyes to see where I am being gnawed at by the deceitfulness of the devil. My desire is to set me feet upon the Rock. Please keep me bound to you and your Truth alone.

Ephesians 6:10-12 "Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. For our struggle is not against the flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the forces of evil in the heavenly realms."

GOD, SPEAK TO ME! WAIT, NO-- PLEASE HUSH!

2010-05-31T23:22:00.000-07:00

Isaiah 40:8
"The grass withers and the flowers fail, but the word of our God stands firm forever."

I have become all too familiar with God's voice, especially when it comes to him saying 'no' to me. I have my plans, I have my ideas. I bounce my important decisions off of people who can give me wise godly counsel. But regardless if all those things line up to say 'yes' to me going forward with something, God can still say no. I have learned that I don't have to know why his 'no' is 'no'. I don't have to know his reasons. Scripture tells me this about God's plans: "But they do not know the thoughts of the Lord; they do not understand his plan" (Micah 4:12) and "the plans of the Lord stand firm forever" (Psalm 33:11) So I know this: the Lord has a plan and I will likely not understand it. Oftentimes, his plans will not make sense to us. But, I also have learned that I must say yes to him when he speaks to me.

I have very recently, in a real and tangible way heard the Lord's voice to me saying 'no' in my heart. I had plans to move in with a good christian friend of mine. I had prayed for months for a roommate, had thoughtfully discussed and planned with her about our living together, and we included other christian friends in helping us come to a conclusion about our decision. All signs pointed to 'yes' from what we could see. As the day drew nearer and we began to draw up paperwork for our lease, the voice of the Lord began screaming in my heart. I got no explanation, no reasoning, no understanding for why this could not come to fruition. I just knew I was hearing God say 'no' to taking this step. Since I have learned, from rather painful experiences, that it is always best to answer in obedience to God's call, I went through the uncomfortable and uncertain steps of following him in faith. While my friend was very gracious about the obedience I had to offer the Lord in these moments, I still had much frustration for why it seemed he was making things so difficult for me in this process. But I chose to trust and obey anyway.

My first instinct in hearing 'no' is to stamp my foot and whine like a three year old. While instead, I should rejoice in his 'no' because it means two things: 1) He is protecting me from something. It might be a dangerous situation, it might be a left turn where it would be best to go right, it might just be protection from myself. And 2) Even if I don't like what he's saying, he is choosing to speak to me, to guide me, to lead me in the steps of his will. And isn't that what I've been praying and asking him to do for so long?

While scripture says that we don't have to know the plans of the Lord, sometimes, we are blessed to get a peek at what he is working. In just a matter of weeks after breaking plans with my roommate in response to the Lord's call of no, I made a sudden decision to move cities entirely. This was not something that had been on my radar even a little bit, but I something I felt a lot of peace in pursuing. On the heels of making this decision to uproot my life and move home near my family, I was able to see how God's 'no' to pursuing living with my friend was just a stepping stone into the next phase of my life he had planned for me. Had I ignored his call, I would have a big mess to clean up and get out of right now as I make my next steps in life. But because I chose to trust and obey, my next steps will be easy and largely effortless. Thank you Jesus that "If the Lord delights in a man's way, he makes his steps firm; though he stumble, he will not fall, for the Lord upholds him with his hand." (Psalm 37:23-24) Because you delight in my way [meaning my heart desires you, your glory,power and honor] you will not let me fall. I praise God for the ways even his 'no' is an act of him upholding me with his right hand and keeping me from falling and failing.

Forgive me for having such little faith that my knee-jerk reaction is to whine and pout instead of rejoicing with thanksgiving that you love me enough to guide and protect me. Thank you, Father, that your 'no' is always a protection that is keeping right in your plan-- your good, pleasing and perfect plan for me. Give me eyes to see your 'no' as faithful love to me and give me a heart that rejoices in that pruning.

SPIRITUAL REST, Part 2

2010-05-02T22:49:00.000-07:00

Todays' Read: Matthew 11:25-30

Before even doing the search on 'rest', I knew one thing God had to say about rest was this: "Come to me all who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." (Matthew 11:29-30)

When I hear the phrase 'take my yoke, my burden' I am initially hesitant to want to obey that command from Jesus. Burdens, as I know them, are never easy and never light. A burden is called a burden for a reason. In addition, when I hear 'take mine' I immediately think "But I've already got my own load! How am I supposed to also carry yours? There's no more room on my back! My hands are all tied up!" For the first time in my life, I feel the Lord has given me some insight on this verse and this idea.

Jesus never meant for us to carry our own burdens AND his. The reality is that everyone has a burden, or a load to carry. In modern terms, let's call it a backpack--- we all have a backpack. When Jesus tells us to take his 'backpack', he never meant for us to wear two backpacks at once. It's actually impossible. Rather, he meant for us to exchange our backpack for his. What's in my backpack? The weight of loneliness, the burden of fear, the heaviness of uncertainty. In his? The freedom of joy, peace, fulfillment and purpose. Which backpack would you rather carry? Jesus', obviously. Me too.

Taking his yoke doesn't mean picking something else up, it means exchanging your weight for his. Got a heavy backpack? Jesus says "Mine only has a feather light load in it.... take mine instead." Don't like the food you ordered? Jesus says "Here, mine's delicious and satisfying, take mine instead." Lost on the road of life because your version of the map has no compass or key? Jesus says "Here, I know the route by heart, take mine instead--- it has all the directions."

When Jesus says "take mine", He doesn't mean to take his in addition to yours, but rather, take his INSTEAD of yours.

Jesus, thank you that I can unload at your feet and exchange my weight for your joy. When out of stubborn pride and foolishness I reach to put on my own backpack again, I pray that you remind me of the joy in exchanging my load for yours. Thank you for bearing the weight of my brokenness. Thank you for your finished work on the cross that affords me this easy yoke of joy and peace. You are so unbelievably merciful and good to me.

SPIRITUAL REST, PART 1

2010-05-02T22:26:00.000-07:00

Leviticus 16:31

"It is a sabbath of rest, and you must deny yourselves; it is a lasting ordinance."

I have grown increasingly busy over the last several months. While most, if not all, of the things keeping me busy are things that a) I chose to take on of my own accord, and b) are purposeful and not frivolent in nature. That is to say I'm not busy as a social butterfly is busy, but mostly in commitments to my growing in my career and even more with my church body. As I have sustained such a busy schedule for some time now, I have simultaneously been running lower and lower on steam. About a week and a half ago, I petered out entirely. Now, what this 'petering out' looked like for me was a total emotional meltdown where I burst into tears at work from all the pressure and stress I was feeling from being stretched so thin. As the dust settled from my total conniption fit, I realized that I needed some rest on many levels. If I was going to find it, I needed to see what God had to say about rest. One of my favorite things to do in studying the word is to do what I call a 'word study'. All this means is I type a keyword into www.biblegateway.com and then review all the scriptures that matched the search. When I searched 'rest' the result was literally almost 500 verses. Clearly, God had a lot to say about rest.

It was when I read Leviticus 16:31 that God spoke to me. He didn't whisper, he didn't hint. He might as well have slapped me on the forehead with the bible. The reason that I had become so utterly exhausted was because of my self idolatry. I had chosen, over the last few months, to allow myself back onto the throne seat. I had become most important in my life as a default that I had neglected him. My daily concern was more about what I could accomplish in a day, a week, a month than it was about just meeting with him and being still before him. I have been pursuing accomplishing things that are 'good' and 'honorable'. But the bottom line, is I don't accomplish anything. And I am learning firsthand that when I try to accomplish things in my flesh that were meant for the Lord to accomplish through me, I will become utterly exhausted. It was in reading Leviticus 16:31 that God spoke to me of my own self idolatry. In my efforts to do what he has led me to do, but to do it in my own 'power', it was as if I was saying "Ok God, I'll do what you told me, but I don't need you. I'm good enough to get it accomplished on my own." God had a different message for me. His message was a reminder that if I think I can do it without him, I am elevating myself above him, which is, in fact, idolatry. Webster's online dictionary says this about idolatry: excessive attachment or veneration for anything; respect or love which borders on adoration. By denying my need for him to accomplish all that I had to accomplish, I was having 'excessive veneration and respect' for myself over him. Leviticus 16:31 told me that I need not deny him, but I need to deny myself. In denying myself, I will find the rest that I so desperately need.

Thank you, Lord, that you allow me a place of rest. It is in dying to myself, in choosing not to war with my flesh within me, but rather, surrender to you in my heart, that I find the rest that you intend. Thank you Lord, that when I find myself in you, I find rest. You are so good to me.

Psalm 23:2-3 "He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he restores my soul. He guides me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake."

AN HONEST, IF IRREVERENT PRAYER

2010-05-02T21:58:00.000-07:00

I know it might seem unbearably personal, but I want to share this prayer with you. I know that feeling alone, powerless and disappointed are feelings that most, if not all, believers will experience at some point in their lives. I don't mean to be irreverent to the Lord by asking and saying such bold things. But scripture does give us the freedom to "come boldly before the throne of grace, that we may find grace and obtain mercy in our time of need." (Hebrews 4:16 NKJV). And, it also tells us to 'pour out our hearts to him' (Psalm 62:8). It doesn't say to pour out just the parts that are pretty or pleasant. It says to pour out our hearts. Now, I don't know about you, but my heart has a LOT of stuff in it. Some of it is kind of nice and good. However, a lot of it.... not so much.

I have been going through a season of my life where I feel as though I have gone out on a limb in trusting the Lord with my life in it's entirety. I am struggling now with trusting him with that ultimate control of my life. As I'm fumbling around, trying to deal with my struggles in my own power, I cried out to the Lord, from the deepest depths of my heart, in a prayer tonight.

Although it is quite intimidating to share such an intimate thing, I want to share this prayer with you. I suppose I want you to know, that even in my struggles, even in my season of doubt and distrust, I know what the Lord says. I know his word to be true. We will likely all go through these seasons, but praise the Lord that "The faithful love of the Lord never ends! His mercies never cease. Great is his faithfulness; his mercies begin afresh each morning." (Lamentations 3:22-23 NLT) Because of this, I believe, he allows mercy for our doubts, our fears, our frustrations born of small faith. I don't like being in a place where I doubt him. But I praise him with all thankfulness and glory to him that he provides me that mercy to walk in that is renewed each day. Man, I sure do love my Lord.

Here is the prayer I wrote to him tonight:
Sunday, May 2, 2010

I have to admit, Lord, I'm quite angry with you. I know my anger is unrighteous, self-righteous, and inherently evil. But your word tells me to pour out my heart to you. I am here to pour myself out before you. I don't often know what to say. I don't even know that I can articulate what I'm feeling. I will start with what I do know and just share my heart with you. My heart, after all, is yours--- you might as well know what's inside.

I am so angry. I just want to hit something. I want to go before you and scream. I know that you have every good right to strike me dead before you for my irreverent display of immature faithlessness. I can't say that I hate you. I hate where you have me. I hate how I feel. But I fear you enough to never say that I hate you. I do want to say 'why?', though. Why do you have me hurting like this? Why do you have me feeling SO ALONE? I feel so, so empty, pale and dark. I feel empty yet so burdened. I feel the weight of the world is crushing my shell of a soul. Why do I have to hurt like this? Am I not 'getting' something? Why does my frail heart have to endure this deep of a wound? Why does the tenderness in my heart have to bear this burden of loneliness?

I am angry at you. I am angry because I know it is in your power to act. You could pull me from this in this very instant. You could fix my heart. You could lift the burden. You could fill the emptiness and repair the festering wounds. But you sit silent. And the only words you speak are 'no'.

I wish I was a Job; one who was 'crushed' but never curses you. I know that's who I should be. But my faith is apparently so small. I just hurt so much.

Your word tells me that you give and take away. All I see you do is take away. Take. Take. Take. I know it is all rightfully yours. But Lord, don't you have some compassion for me? Doesn't your heart hurt for me like it did for Mary and Martha? Don't you love me? Don't you want to heal me? Don't you want to be merciful to me? Where are you?

I can't do it. I can't stay like this. I can't be filled with this hurt, bitterness, anger and disappointment. I can't have a life like this. I just want to be taken away. I just want to be away from this world. It is too much right now. I can't bear it.

So, I quietly drum through my day like a robot. No purpose, no passion, no heart. How can I give my heart to my 'purpose' here when I feel as though my heart has been stolen from me. It has disappeared into oblivion. Where my heart has gone, I don't know. All I know is the burning wounds it's absence has left behind.

I don't want to be filled with hate. I don't want to be angry at you. I NEED you. I need you to hear me. I need you to act. I need you to be ENOUGH for me. Won't you be what you promised to be? Hear me now, Lord! I can't do this on my own. I can't bear this weight of my own broken heart. My heart is broken within me. How did it break? I don't know. But I know that YOU are the only one who can fix it. Please, Lord, have mercy on me now. Have mercy on my weak, weak soul. I'm just wasting away.

Forgive me, Jesus. Forgive me for my weak and miserable faith. I am not worthy of your mercy. I, in my irreverence, don't deserve your kindness. My faith is much too small to comprehend your goodness. I cannot fathom it, but I know it to be true. Your word says it is IMPOSSIBLE for you to lie. Please teach me to believe your promises. And Lord, forgive me. Forgive me for not trusting you. Forgive me for making a god out of so many things born of my own flesh. Forgive me for making an idol of marriage, of relationship, of love, of my own comfort. Forgive me for placing my own desires on the altar. Forgive me, Lord. I don't deserve your mercy.

Be merciful to me now, Lord. Come to me. Hear me. Hear and act. Heal me now. Meet me in my darkest hour. Carry me. Carry this burden now. Carry this burden and let YOUR NAME be glorified. Let YOUR renown be known because your mercy to me in this burden of hopelessness.

I do love you. I can't run from you. I know I can't escape you and I fear that now. Teach me to find comfort in that. Teach me to rest in knowing that I don't have to run, except to you. Teach me to let you be my refuge. And forgive me for refusing to let you be my Lord. I'm not worthy of you. Thank you for not leaving me now. I don't even know how to say how much I need you. I need you, I need you, I need you. Please Lord, be mine. Don't ever let me be mine. I am not my own, I am yours.

Unless a kernel of wheat dies, it can never bear new life. The new life I bear Lord, I bear in you. Teach me to die to myself and find joy in it. Teach me to find comfort and thanksgiving in dying to myself in exchange for your glory and ABUNDANCE.

I don't even know what to say.

I am yours.

Bethany

I encourage you, wherever you are in your life right now, pour out your heart to him. He is enough for you.(Psalm 73:25-26)

WAIT, NOT WHY!

2010-04-07T21:22:00.000-07:00

Today's Read:

Romans 11:33-36

"Oh, the depth of the riches of the wisdom

and knowledge of God!

How undsearchable his judgements,

and his paths beyond tracing out!

Who has known the mind of the Lord?

Or who has been his counselor?

Who has ever given to God,

that God should repay him?

For from him and through him and to him are all things.

To him be the glory forever! Amen."

This post is almost a continuation of the previous post. The Lord has really been teaching me lately how to wait on him and trust him, in many areas of my life. I have had to wait on him to lead my in some career decisions, in opportunities to love and serve his people, and on the fruition of friendships and other relationships in my life. Most importantly, though, I've been waiting for him to reveal himself to me continually in a deeper way. When he gives me these revelations, all the other issues of waiting are dimmed in light of knowing him more intimately. He has been teaching me, that when my eyes are fixed on the "author and perfecter of my faith" (Hebrews 12:2) then my perspective changes from asking questions of 'why?!' and shift to still ponderings of simply who He is. When I'm shown more of who he is, I find it simple to say "Do to me what you will." After all, his "ways are higher than my ways and his thoughts are higher than my ways" (Isaiah 55:9).

The reality is, for me (and for all people, really) that I have a plan for myself. I have planned in my heart the major thoroughfares my life will proceed down, and I have small daily plans for how I will spend my moments in the here and now. Even when I don't think I'm planning the outcome of my days, I am. I am learning more and more to relinquish my plans, both big and small, for HIS. He 'has a plan for me, a plan to prosper me, not to harm me but to give me a future and a hope." (Jeremiah 29:11) I will find rest for my heart when I stop seeking my plans and acknowledge that 'YOU are God, and I am not. YOU are enough for me, even if you do not fulfill the plans I have for myself.' The beauty, joy, hope, peace, and freedom that is found in surrendering to that truth is irresistible.

Lord, you have promised to be enough for me. I trust you to be faithful in that. That means, that even when my plans fail or are simply left unfulfilled, that you will be enough for me. You will fulfill me. You will give me rest. You will be my place of rest. I praise you for your faithfulness in being enough for me. And I pray that my temptation to find fulfillment outside of you is never greater than the hunger in my heart for simply abiding in you.

Psalm 16:2 "I said to the Lord 'You are my Lord; apart from you I have no good thing.'"

Job 1:21 "Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked I will depart. The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised."

2 Samuel 15:25-26 "Take the ark of God back into the city. If I find favor in the Lord's eyes, he will bring me back and let me see his dwelling place again. But if he says 'I am not pleased with you' , then I am ready. Let him do to me whatever he pleases."

STRUGGLING TO HAVE FAITH

2010-04-07T20:42:00.000-07:00

Walking daily in faith with the Lord means that I will endure the ups and downs of life. I will endure the ups and downs of relationship with him. Mind you, the ‘downs’ are only a result of my inadequate responses to circumstances in this life. The ‘downs’ don’t reflect his shortcomings but my lack of faith. In those down times, when I am tempted to rely on myself or question the Lord or simply not believe that He will be good to me, I have a choice. I can either continue to stall in faithlessness or I can rest in being reminded of the truth in his promises.

In the slow times of my journey of faith, I am soothed and encouraged by reading the compilation of scriptures below. The Lord has promised over and over again to be enough for me. To be good to me. To be faithful. When I doubt, I trace back over the etchings of his words into my heart. It is impossible for God to lie (Hebrews 6:18), and with that being true, these words from him calm the storms of uncertainty in my heart.

I hope they bring you the same peace that they give me. My God is a god of peace. (Ephesians 2:14)

I exalt you and praise your name, for you in perfect faithfulness, have done marvelous things, things planned long ago. You are the God who performs miracles. I know that you can do all things; no plan of yours can be thwarted. They do not know the thoughts of the Lord, they do not understand His plan. The Lord will fulfill his purpose for me; your love, O Lord, endures forever---do not abandon the works of your hand. And after waiting patiently, Abraham received what was promised. The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. [God] acts on behalf of those who wait for him. Blessed is she who has believed that what the Lord has said to her will be accomplished. Wait on the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord. Forget the former things, do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing, do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert, streams in the wasteland. He who began a good work in you will be faithful to carry it to completion.

Whom have I in heaven but you, and earth has nothing I desire besides you. My heart and my flesh may fail, but you are my portion and the strength of my heart forever. One thing God has spoken, two things I have heard: that you, O God, are strong, and that you, O Lord, are loving. I am my beloveds and my beloved is mine. He rescued me because he delighted in me.

Scripture References: Isaiah 25:1, Psalm 77:14, Job 42:2, Micah 4:12, Psalm 138:8, Hebrews 6:15, 2 Peter 3:9, Isaiah 64:4, Luke 1:45, Psalm 27:14, Isaiah 43:18, 2 Corinthians 4:18, Philippians 1:6

Psalm 73:25-26, Psalm 62:11, Song of Songs 6:3, 2 Samuel 22:20

HE IS OUR REFUGE

2010-02-05T20:38:00.000-08:00

Read: Mostly all over the Psalms

It feels as though I am 'stuck' in the Psalms. But, at this point in my life with the Lord, reading them daily is medicine for my soul. I am hungry for him and they fill me. So, maybe it's redundant to always be referencing them, but they show me the depths of his heart. And how could I ever tire of that?

I was recently inadvertently wounded by a friend. The sting of this has made me feel very vulnerable and caused me to take a good hard look at myself. In my hurt, I want to withdraw and hole up inside myself as a mechanism of self protection. But I recognize that this is an expression of a lack of faith on my part. My instinct to protect myself reveals about me that I forget that I already have a protector. His name is the Lord Jesus.

While in the thick of this temptation to protect myself, the Lord was faithful to speak to me yet again that HE is all I need. He has promised to be my protection, my shield, my place of refuge. Not necessarily physically, but most certainly in matters of the heart.

I came across this picture and couldn't help but see my Father in the photo. He is the creator of ALL things. He created the things we can see and the things that we cannot. ( Colossians 1:16, Revelation 4:11) He knows what all living things need to be able to function healthily. From this photo, I was reminded that not only did he create these elegant birds, but he created their instinct to protect their young. And, to do it in such a fascinating and delicate way. If he knows that these simple creatures need this tender covering of protection, how much more does he know that I need it too? And, how infinitely capable is he of providing me the protection that I need? Seeing the image of the gentle protection he offers me gave me a lot of peace and rest. I don't need to struggle to protect myself. I need only to crawl under the covering of his wings and rest in his powerful ability (and desire) to be my refuge. This picture was particularly striking to me because of the many references scripture makes to finding shelter under His 'wings'. See below verses:
Ps. 17:8 "Keep me as the apple of your eye; hide me in the shadow of your wings."

Ps. 36:7 "How priceless is your unfailing love! Both high and low among men find refuge in the shadow of your wings."

Ps. 61:4 "I long to dwell in your tent forever and take refuge in the shelter of your wings."

Ps. 91:4 "He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart."

Matt. 23:37 "how often I have longed to gather your children together, as a hen gathers her chicks under her wings"

He is more than capable of being my protection and a place where I can rest from the storms of this life. Even the storms of my own heart. I just need to let him be my refuge.

Lord, thank you so much that you know I need your protection and your covering before I even recognize that I need it. Thank you for being ready and willing to be my refuge and my place of of rest. You are enough for me. I don't need to fight for myself or try to zealously protect my heart. You are my protector. Thank you for teaching me to rest in that.

Psalm 32:7 "You are my hiding place; you will protect me from trouble and surround me with songs of deliverance."

Psalm 5:11 "But let all who take refuge in you be glad; let them ever sing for joy. Spread your protection over them, that those who love your name may rejoice in you."

Psalm 73:28 "But as for me, it is good to be near God. I have made the Sovereign LORD my refuge; I will tell of all your deeds."

Proverbs 30:5 ""Every word of God is flawless; he is a shield to those who take refuge in him."

***As I studied, I realized that there are countless references to God being our 'refuge' in the bible. I have included a link to a search on the word 'refuge' on www.biblegateway.com. It is very encouraging to just read through all 95 of them quickly. I encourage you to take a look here.

CARDBOARD TESTIMONIES

2010-02-03T21:12:00.000-08:00

Today's Read: 1 Peter 2:9

For the christmas eve service at my church this year, rather than having the pastor engage in lengthy dialogue about the story of Jesus, he arranged to have the lives Jesus has touched and changed to speak for themselves. Each person that came on the stage spoke no words, but carried a cardboard sign with a message written on it. On the sign, was a scrawled phrase defining their life and who they were prior to living with Jesus. Without saying a word, they would turn their cards over and reveal a victorious message depicting who they are now because of Christ. It was a very simple but profoundly moving method to conveying the power of Christ's spirit in people's lives. (*See link below to view a video of the 'cardboard testimonies')

As a church body, we were challenged going forward into the new year to examine what we would write on our own cardboard testimonies. That is to say, what is the most profound difference in my life prior to walking with Jesus and since walking with Jesus. I thought a good bit about it and came up with a solid list of noticeable changes to be thankful for because of the Lord. Here are some of the things I jotted down as I thought:

Burdened by shame and guilt.....rest in the yoke of his peace
Lived as an enemy of the cross.....living as salt and light
Broken and lost....redeemed and treasured
Wandered aimlessly..... live with purpose
Hurt and broken hearted..... healed and whole

While all of the above listed things are beautiful and wonderful things he's worked in me, I felt like they could be best summed up in this statement:

"Before trusting Jesus, I constantly stumbled around in the darkness, now I walk in the freedom of his light."

I didn't know how dark my darkness was until he shined his light on me. It was like I was living life constantly bumping into things and hurting myself as a result. I was confused, misguided and lost. Because of his goodness, he has brought light to my heart. I don't have to stumble around in in my darkness. I have his light guiding me and leading me. And for once, I am at a loss for words to describe how truly wonderful and beautiful this is. I know who I am now because I know my maker. And there is such an unbelievable freedom in that.

Sweet Lord Jesus, you are so good to me. You have called me out darkness and into light. My every moment, every thought is now filled with your purpose and your peace. I have given you all my life and all that is within my heart because I know that you are enough for me. Thank you for your faithfulness and your goodness to me. I do love you. I am yours.

Psalm 73:26 "My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever."

1 Peter 2:9-10 "But you are a chosen people, a royal preisthood, a holy nation, a people for his own possession, that you may proclaim the excellencies of him who called you out of darkness into his marvelous light. Once you were not a people, but now you are God's people; once you had not received mercy, but have now received mercy."

Psalm 18:28 "My God turns my darkness into light...."

Psalm 119:105 "Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path."

LINKS

Watermark Community Church cardboard testimonies (my home church in Dallas)
Video 1
Video 2

Austin Stone Community Church cardboard stories (a church I attended for a while in Austin just before I moved to Dallas several years ago.)

PREPARING FOR HARVEST

2010-02-01T20:46:00.000-08:00

Todays Read: Galatians 5

I am in the midst of a season of my life that is full of uncertainty and instability. The blessing of this period is the opportunity that the Lord is giving me to lean wholly on him. The Psalms are full of references to God being a refuge to those who trust him. However, despite the fact that I know he is my refuge, a byproduct of living in uncertainty is vulnerability that can lead to insecurity. I am daily tempted to succumb to my vulnerability and reach back into myself and try to 'fix' things in my life or pursue things out of my own strength. With uncertainty comes fear or faith. I am learning, now, that both cannot reside in my heart simultaneously. Will I, in fear from uncertainty, abandon my purpose right now to wait on the Lord? (Psalm 27:14 "Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.") Or will I trust Him and joyfully rest in His glorious mysteries? I don't know what He's working, I don't know what He's planned. But His word tells me "You [Lord], in perfect faithfulness, have done marvelous things, things planned long ago." (Isaiah 25:1) I may not know what marvelous things He's in the midst of working or preparing. But I know He has had a "good, pleasing, and perfect" (Romans 12:2) plan from the beginning of time.

As I prayed for the Lord to give me eyes to see His faithfulness at work in me, he was swift to meet me in my need. I reviewed the fruits of the Spirit (love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, and self control) in Galatians 5 and the Lord spoke peace into my heart about this season in my life. In reading about the fruits, it was my intention to be introspective and test myself to look for these fruits. In my logic, I thought, "if the Lord really is working in my life now, then surely, I will be able to recognize some of these fruits in my life." While I think it is a wise thing to examine your ways and look for these tangible 'fruits', the Lord had a different purpose for me in studying them this day. As I was pondering, I remembered John 12:24-25 "unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds. The man who loves his life will lose it, while the man who hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life."

It was then that I realized that before the fruits come forth, the seed of my heart must perish. My 'seed', that is my desires for my life and desire to control it's course and outcome, must be buried before I can fully grow and bring forth the fruit of His works in my life. In his faithfulness, he reminded me yet again to "wait on the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait on the Lord" (Ps. 27:14). Because, if I trust in him while I am in this period of letting my seed 'die', then he will be faithful to bring forth the fruit. Just like real fruit though, spiritual fruit does not get produced over night. It is a long process in which he carefully tends to the process every step of the way. And just because I don't see the end result of his faithfulness in specific circumstances in my life right now, it doesn't mean that he's not at work. The harvest comes after the sowing, tending and growing. But the harvest will come. The bible tells me so.

Lord, I trust you in your promise of faithfulness. I know that if I want to live in you perfect plan, then I have to let go of my plan and therefore, the driver's seat of my life. I give you my life and I trust you with it. And while I might be in a period of waiting right now, of uncertainty, one thing is not uncertain, and that is you. You are unchanging, you are faithful and you are good. I will trust in you and seek you as my only refuge and my strength.

"I know that you can do all things, no plan of yours can be thwarted." Job 42:2

"If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will save it." Luke 9:24-25

NO PLACE TOO FAR

2009-12-08T07:23:00.000-08:00

Today's Read: Psalm 139

"Oh Lord, you have searched me and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise' you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O Lord. You hem me in--- behind and before; you have laid your hands upon me..... Where can I go from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there..... For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well..... All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be..... Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting."

The work that I do requires not only my intellectual attention, but also my emotional and even spiritual attention. While most days this is a balancing act I can handle, there are times that it drains me. Today was one of those days. After a colossally terrible day at my job, I was ultimately exhausted on every level of my being. My heart was used up, poured out and beaten in the process. By the time the dust settled, I had nothing left and I had no choice but to come to Him; everything else of this world had left me empty. While being in this state of frustration is difficult and undesirable I praise God for it, because it brings me to my knees and back to him.

Today, I returned to a familiar Psalm and my heart was soothed. Psalm 139. This whole Psalm tells the love the Father has for me as displayed in his intimately thoughtful creation of every aspect of my soul. It also outlines my total inability to escape his presence. There are certainly times when I try to hide and escape the reach of God, due to my own fear and shame. However, today I am deeply comforted that no matter how alone and empty I feel, even if I think God has left me to take care of myself, His word assures me that no matter where I am, He is there. "Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there." (v. 7-8).

I know the Lord has a good plan for me and nothing, therefore, is accidental. Jeremiah tells me that " I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future." (Jer. 29:11) The most difficult days in this life are often the easiest to feel as though God has forgotten me and has no regard for the well being of my heart. Reading verse 16 of Psalm 139 shows me otherwise. "All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be." It might be miserable to go through a day like I had today, but it most certainly is not an accident. There is a lot of freedom in that truth. Even when walking through the valleys of life, I can have peace in knowing that those days are just a stepping stone in His great plan for me. I might feel downtrodden and beaten, but His truth says that He is in control because He has planned even the valleys.

Lord Jesus, I praise you for the truth that no matter where I am, you are there. Thank you that I am never beyond your reach. Thank you for being in control. Forgive me for doubting that you are with me. I pray that I would joyfully walk in freedom knowing that you have ordained every moment of my existence. And, I praise you for being faithful and strong. Forgive me for being so easily exhausted.

Psalm 23:4 "Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me."
John 8:36 "So, if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed"
Luke 12:7 "And, indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Do not be afraid, you are worth more than many sparrows."

INVALUABLE WISDOM

2009-11-21T15:32:00.000-08:00

Today's Read: Proverbs 3-5

Reading in Proverbs today, I was really humbled. I have been seeking the Lord for some time now and He has been faithful to be working on transforming my heart and mind. I rejoice and praise Him for that, but at the same time, I reminded that I will permanently be a work in progress. Much of the book of Proverbs is about wisdom and it's value. What I read today taught me that even though it is good to seek wisdom, I need to be warned that it may not always be easy to attain. In fact, it probably is often quite the opposite. If was easy to attain God's wisdom then I wouldn't be tempted to "despise the Lord's discipline and resent his rebuke" (v. 3:11) or to say "How I hated discipline! How my heart spurned correction!" (v. 5:12).

Reading these three chapters of Proverbs today served as a gentle reminder from the Lord about gaining wisdom. He showed me three things specifically.

1) I must be humble if I want to become wise. (v. 3:34) I can think of no way to breed humility in myself other than to seek the Lord's face and pray for His grace in this area.

2) Wisdom is priceless, but it comes at a great cost. (v.4:7). I cannot cling to the things I find valuable (myself, my desires, my ways of thinking, my idols) and yet also cling to wisdom. Therefore, my things must go. The cost of laying down myself and all that is within my heart is immeasurable. But the payoff here (gaining God's wisdom) is infinitely more valuable.

3) Knowing both of the prior two points to be true, then I must recognize, appreciate, enjoy and praise God for when he is disciplining me for the purpose of teaching me (v. 3:11). In fact, I should rejoice in His discipline because it is a testament of His love for me (v. 3:12).

So, I am left today clinging to several verses that I hope never leave my heart. Here they are:

4:13 "Hold on to instruction, do not let it go; guard it well, for it is your life."
4:23 "Guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life."
3:1 "My son, do not forget my teaching, but keep my commands in your heart."
3:3 "Let love and faithfulness never leave you bind them around your neck, write them on the tablet of your heart."

Lord, thank you for being patient with me when I am not humble enough to be teachable. Thank you for gently reminding me of my need for humility, discipline and instruction. Please keep me humble. And, give me a joyful heart that praises you in the midst of correction. Because I know that correction and discipline from you is an expression of your love for me.

REND YOUR HEART

2009-11-21T13:56:00.000-08:00

Today's Read: Joel

I can't believe that I have never read the book of Joel. It is very short, only three chapters. But, it carries a huge message full of awe inspiring beauty. The first chapter and a half (half the book) is full of descriptions about destruction reaped on God's people as judgement for their rebellion against him. It is very clear that God is angry and is justly acting when he disciplines, punishes and pours out unfathomable hardships on his people. They have wronged him and he is completely justified in his response of giving suffering to the people. This part of the book reminds me that God alone is sovereign and I am nothing.

The part that bestows such beauty though, comes in the second part of chapter two. After a long rant about the well earned suffering God's people endured, and despite that the Lord was justifiably angry with them, even despite that, He still manages to say "Even now, declares the Lord, return to me with all your heart....for He is gracious and compassionate..... and who knows, He may turn and have pity and leave behind a blessing" (v. 12-14). Wait, WHAT? God's people, of which I am one, have been neglecting Him, rebelling against Him, dishonoring Him for so long. Because of their actions and the attitudes of their hearts, they (I!!!) don't deserve anything. What amazes me here is that it doesn't simply say that He might turn and 'stop punishing' them. It says that He might turn and 'leave behind a blessing' (v.14). What of their actions has merited His offering a blessing to them? Simple, He is pleased with an offering of their hearts. (v. 13 Rend your HEART). Just like Psalm 51:17 says, "The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O god, you will not despise."

The pinnacle of graceful majesty in this section of scripture for me, comes in verse 2:25 "I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten." What you must remember here is that in chapter one, it was explained that the locusts came as punishment from God on his people. It wasn't God picking on the people or simply being mean to them. These people, out of the sinful hardness of their hearts, earned and deserved that punishment. They deserved that punishment. But yet, simply at the fact that they were willing to give their hearts once again to God, He promised to bless them. And, not bless them simply with putting an end to the suffering, but to make up for the time they had already endured.

What the Lord taught me here about His immeasurable grace is that He is unbelievably eager to pour out His blessing of grace at the very moment that we give our hearts to him. But we must 'rend our hearts and not our garments' (v. 2:13). It is revealed over and over again in scripture that he wants our HEARTS.

Lord, I am quieted today by your love. In the face of your beauty and the majesty of your grace, I am left speechless. Please never allow me to forget the greatness of your grace and it's blessing for my life. Let me never forget to 'rend my heart' completely to you and before you. You want my heart Jesus. And even though I have to choose to give it to over and over again, I am telling you Lord, that I am giving you my heart. Take and seal it for yourself.

BEING RECONCILED

2009-11-01T11:22:00.000-08:00

Today's Read: 2 Corinthians

I have to admit, I am a believer who struggles with accepting the Grace that the Lord has offered me. I struggle with being deceived by the lies the evil one desires to burden my heart with. The Father of lies tells me that I cannot be redeemed fully, that I am too marred by my own sin to be fully accepted by God and blessed by him. Believing these lies leaves me feeling discouraged, burdened and sorrowful. This is something that I struggle with cyclically and continually need to combat with the truth of the scriptures if I want to be able to rise above the lie that I am unredeemable.

I have read in 2 Corinthians 7 before that 'Godly sorrow brings repentance' (v. 10), repentance that leads to LIFE. Even though I have read this particular passage many times, I seemed to have skimmed over verse 9. It is here that the bible tells me that "you became sorrowful as God intended". Reading this has brought me so much comfort and peace because it reminds me that my sorrow (over sins of rebellion and the shame that accompany them) is not a superfluous side effect of my human state. It is purposefully brought to surface in my heart as a direct component of God's continued progressive sanctification of my spirit. He has intentionally planned for this sorrow, because it is a step in the process that brings me ever closer to him and refines me to have a heart more like his. Malachi 3:2-3 says that he will refine me as silver, which is a process that requires painstaking effort before a furnace to cleanse all impurities. Sounds painful, because it is! This refining process is not easy or fun; it's not for the faint at heart. But it is so beautiful, because it brings me closer to Him. I believe the burden of sorrow that I'm bearing is a direct result of his calling me to come closer.

So, I am choosing to cling to the hope that He is using this as a tool to reconcile me to him, that is, to bring me home to live with him as he intended since the dawn of creation. 2 Corinthians 5 tells me that I am a new creation, who has been reconciled and that I no longer bear the burden of my sin. How can I deny what the word of God says about me and choose to cling to the lies of the devil that I am forever stuck in the filth of my own sin? I cannot.

Oh Lord, thank you for your faithfulness to work on me and in me, even though it is painful. It is heartbreaking to continually be made more and more aware of my own depravity. It burdens my heart to see clearly just how broken I am. But I praise your name, your mercy and your faithfulness that you accept me as I am, but you don't let me just stay as I am. Thank you for refining me and for giving me the grace to grow in strength from the process, despite the hurt that is within my heart over it.

Isaiah 43: 25 "I, even I, am he who blots our your transgressions, for my own sake and remembers your sins no more."

RELATIONSHIP, NOT RELIGION

2009-10-18T13:29:00.000-07:00

John 5

As I've grown in my walk with the Lord, I have had a growing desire to have His word ready on my lips at all times. In some ways, it comes very easily to memorize scripture. Because, there are plenty of times when studying his word that it comes alive for me and I feel as though it was written just for me and spoken directly into my heart. At those times, it's like the scriptures are etched permanently into my heart and I don't forget them. There are other times, however that I intently study for memorization so that I can have an arsenal of scriptures to use for witnessing with, encouraging with and clinging to. After all, 1 Peter 3 instructs that as believers, we are to have a ready defense.

I know that in my walk with the Lord there are going to be times when I feel like I am running and could run for days without resting, and it's wholly invigorating, not exhausting. I also know that at other times, it will be a struggle, for whatever reason, for me to be able to even get my tennis shoes on to go for a jog around the block with Him. But regardless of my mood or depth of pursuit on any one particular day, I do want to at least get my shoes on and get out to walk with Him, everyday.

In trying to honor Him, I have found myself in the last week or so reading the bible just to say to myself that I had 'gone for a walk' with the Lord, almost to check off my list that I had done right by him. I have, after all, been trying to commit His word to memory and I have been commanded to do so, so by default, aren't I being obedient and therefore honoring Him?

I can explain away my behavior with logic all I want, but at the end of the day, the Lord doesn't want mere behavior from me. I don't believe he cares that much about what I do if his first and foremost desire is not fulfilled--- to have relationship with me. I was reading in John 5 a few days ago and reading verses 39-40 it was like Jesus was thumping me on the head saying 'Don't you get it?! Here's what you should be doing! Pursue ME. Not just my word, but ME. I want relationship with you. And you need relationship with me!'

While it is good for me to commit His word to memory, it is not enough. Jesus doesn't want my head full of His words and that's it. Jesus wants my heart. I have always known this and yet it is so easy for me to forget amongst all the chaos and noise of life. He wants my heart. He wants me to pursue, desire, commit to HIM and our relationship. When I remember this, my heart brims over with joy. There is so much freedom in knowing that all He wants is for me to let go and give myself wholly to Him. And in that freedom, my beautiful joy is found.

Thank you, sweet and faithful Jesus, that what you desire most is my heart. Thank you that no matter what I do, it doesn't matter if I do it outside of relationship with you. I want to honor you and be obedient to you. Please keeping speaking your truth into my heart that the only way I can begin to do those things is by having relationship with you.

Hebrews 11:6 "For without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him."

MERCY

2009-10-05T21:01:00.000-07:00

Daniel 9

I know that I am a sinner, by nature, this is why I needed Jesus to begin with; because I realized this truth. So, I shouldn't be surprised when I get tangled up in sin and stumble yet again, despite the growth that I have seen spiritually. In fact, James 1 tells me that not only will I stumble, but even the fact that I am tempted to fall into sin is my own fault! Regardless of knowing that fact though, my heart becomes so burdened with grief when I foolishly commit acts of sin that I believed I had mastered or risen above.

As I struggle with accepting the reality of my specific sin, I find myself hiding myself from God, afraid to admit to Him what I've done. My fear is not so much that I worry about Him being angry at me, but more that I am afraid that His mercy will be out of my reach. Just as my heart has enticed me into temptation and sin, my heart also then condemns me for that sin. (1 John 3:19) I continually struggle with forgiving myself and accepting God's mercy and grace.

The Lord showed me today that not only am I foolish to hold onto such an un-truth, but also, that I am prideful in general. As I read in Daniel 9, verse 18 really struck me, saying "We do not make requests of you because we are righteous, but because of your great mercy." For me, it is easy to relate to the part that I am not righteous when I am fresh from sinning; of course I don't feel righteous then! However, for me to live under the illusion that when I'm not being dragged away by my own evil desires, that I am somehow righteous is completely false and inaccurate scripturally. God's word has told me over and over and over again that any righteousness that I do have is entirely because of my FAITH in who God is--- not because of anything I have done, evil or good. (Romans 1:17, 3:22, 4:5, 4:13, 9:30, Philippians 3:9, Hebrews 11:7) Despite that fact though, I find it much easier to accept His mercy when I don't feel burdened with guilt. Somehow, I believe the illusion that when I'm behaving in a 'righteous' manner that somehow, I have a right to ask for His mercy. But what His word showed me today is that it doesn't matter what I've done, His mercy is always greater than my sin and it is always because of who He is that he offers it, not because of what I have or have not done. So, whether I am caught in a tangled web of filth or I am faithfully pursuing His commands, the need for His mercy is the same. And, the source of the power of His mercy is unchangingly steady---- it's source is Him, not me. NOTHING I can do can change my need of His mercy or His ability or desire to extend it to me. I honestly cannot understand that truth, it is too abstractly beautiful, but I know that it is true.

Listen: New Mercy

"This is how we set our hearts at rest in His presence whenever our hearts condemn us. For God is greater than our Hearts and He knows everything." 1 John 3:19-20

"If we confess our sins he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness." 1 John 1:9

Lord, thank you that your mercy is new every morning. I cannot expend it and yet I am always in need of it. Thank you for remembering that I am foolish and weak. And thank you that you can and will forgive me, every day. I cannot understand your grace, mercy, love, kindness and faithfulness. But, I accept it anyway and worship you for it.

MY TESTIMONY FOR BAPTISM

2009-09-22T21:38:00.000-07:00

So, I have mentioned before that I was planning on getting baptized. It will be happening this weekend. The church has asked that I prepare a short testimony to share with the congregation the day of. Even though I have already written similar posts to this one, I felt compelled to share this one with you. In a nutshell, I am broken and He fixes. And I worship Him for that. And those two sentences are what ALL of creation is purposed for. So, here is my page in the book......

I don't have a radical, dramatic story of conversion. I am not a Paul. My story is much more subdued, but I'm sure, more common than a lot of us would like to think. Nevertheless, my story is one of grace. My story is about a broken sinner who is redeemed by Jesus Christ.

I accepted Jesus to be my savior when I was a young child, only 5 years old. At vacation bible school, I was told about the Son of God who wanted to come into my heart and be my savior. Although I was barely more than a baby, I knew deep within me on that day that God was calling for me to come to Him. That night at home, with my parents, I prayed and asked Him to come and live in my heart because I knew that I needed Him.

Although I had accepted salvation in Christ long ago, my walk of faith virtually stopped at my salvation with me going very little deeper over the next twenty years. I genuinely believed the triune God had saved me by His grace because I was a sinner who needed saving and was incapable of saving myself. Yet, despite that truth, I pursued life on my own terms. I did things my way. I considered my way, my desires, my feelings and my thoughts above all else. At times, I would superficially pursue God to see if He would give me the things I wanted on my own terms, and when He didn't, I scoffed at Him and turned back to pursue my own ways yet again. I did this back and forth game with the Lord for twenty years. I might have been 'saved', but I was very lost and so very broken. I lived my life deep into adulthood broken and in need of the redeeming power of Jesus Christ.

In the most recent months, the Lord has taught me so much about what true life with Him really looks like. He has shown me that He IS who He says He is. He has revealed to me that the reason I had such a broken life was because I was leading it, rather than letting Him be my Lord. I was doing the 'right' things, religious things, but I wasn't doing what He had really asked of me, to love Him above all else. I desired the abundant life but was not willing to give myself up in order to receive it. The Lord has taught me now, that the abundant life, the life resurrected in Him can ONLY come after the death we willingly submit to.

I am here today because after over twenty years of a hot and cold relationship with the Lord Jesus Christ, I am proclaiming to my friends, my family, the world, and most importantly, my God, that I am ready to be married to Him. I choose this death, because with it comes the resurrected life. I know these things and can say them with humble joy because of the goodness of God. He is faithful. He is merciful. He is loving and kind. And it is because He has relentlessly pursued my heart over the last two decades that I can stand before you today and say 'This is my God. This is my Jesus. Isn't He beautiful for what He has done and what He will yet do?!' Hallelujah to our great King! So, after Christ's proclamation to the world that I am priceless to Him by giving His life for mine on the cross, I am here to proclaim to the world that He is priceless to me for that very same reason.

Listen: I Exalt Thee

THE WILL OF GOD

2009-09-16T20:29:00.000-07:00

Romans 12 and Matthew 14:22-36

I mentioned a few entries ago that I struggle a lot with discerning between the truth and lies within my own feelings. I think one of my biggest pitfalls in this area is that I have been expecting to find the will of God by listening to my feelings. I have been frustrated and disappointed when I have been diligently reading the bible and praying, but I still did not 'know' what God's will was for me. I believe the reason for this was that despite the fact that I was pursuing relationship with the Lord, I continued looking inward, to myself, trying to find Him. That doesn't even make sense! That's like looking into a mirror and expecting to see someone besides yourself staring back at you. It's just foolish.

The Lord has really been working in my heart on this issue. I have heard the verse of Romans 12:2 probably a million times over the course of my life. I read this verse for the one million and first time and it was almost as if I was reading it for the very first time. How foolish was I that I spent so much time and energy on my feelings, my heart and my emotions trying to find the will of God, when He clearly tells me exactly how to find it---- and it has nothing to do with my feelings!? In fact, this verse says "Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your MIND, so you can test and approve what God's perfect WILL is." It is very clearly stated, in very simple terms, that I am to use the mind that the Lord gave me to pursue His will.

What does this look like? Well, for one, the transformation that comes from the renewing of your mind happens by being diligent in many areas of discipline. But perhaps the most important area is, by protecting your mind from the influences and forces of this world. The only way I know to do this is to bury myself in His word and to 'pray without ceasing' (1 Thessalonians 5:17, NASB).

What the Lord has shown me in addition to this idea of renewing my mind is that I must stop looking into a mirror trying to find Him. I have to look at Him if I want to know His heart for me. Just like when Jesus was walking on the water to the boat His disciples were on, I am like Peter. (Matt. 14) Peter immediately wanted Jesus to prove his divinity and sovereignty by giving Peter directions and steps to take. Jesus's response was 'Fine, come this way. But keep your eyes on me." Peter did so, but the second he stopped focusing his gaze on Jesus, he began sinking. I feel like Peter. I've been sinking because I haven't been looking directly at my Lord.

To this effect, the Psalms have given me some very direct and wise instruction. And turns out, it's pretty simple.

Psalms 27:8 "My heart says of you 'seek His face', your face, Lord, will I seek."
Psalms 17:15 "And I, in righteousness, will see your face; when I awake, I will be satisfied with seeing your likeness."
Psalms 37:7 "Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for Him."

Lord, you are so patient with me when I am such a complete fool! I am so short sighted and have such little wisdom. Forgive my arrogant attitude that expects answer from you at the second I demand instruction. Your answer will likely always be 'seek My face'. Thank you for being so gentle with me as you faithfully repeat this simple truth to me over and over again. You are relentless and I worship you for that. All things, ALL THINGS, are for your glory. I love who you are and that you are my God!

WHY THE 'BOX'?

2009-09-06T23:46:00.000-07:00

Read: A section in each Gospel (linked below)
Matthew 26:6-13
Mark 14:1-66
Luke 7:36-50
John 12:1-11 (**See note)

There is an account in each one of the gospels about a woman who pours out her alabaster jar on Jesus as an act of her love and devotion to Him. In these accounts, people watching her do this criticize her harshly because they deem her act to be foolish and incredibly wasteful. They thought this because at the time, alabaster jars stored very expensive perfume. From what I understand, they were so valuable that they could have been included as part of the dowry of a Jewish woman. So, for a woman to take part or all of her dowry and wastefully pour it all out, at once, was too much for the onlookers to fathom. Jesus' response to both the onlookers and to the woman who offered him this unabashed act of affection was that what she had done was a beautiful thing. In fact, He said that it was such a splendid thing that "wherever the gospel is preached throughout the world, what she has done will also be told, in memory of her." (Matthew 26:13 and Mark 14:9)

About five years ago, I did a bible study during which the study touched on the subject of the 'alabaster box' (also called 'jar'). The Lord showed me through that study that although I don't have a dowry, I do have an alabaster box. Within that box is the most treasured, cherished, valued and costly thing that I have in my life. At the the time that He showed me this, I did not yet know what my box contained. It wasn't perfume, but it was just as costly as the nard that was in the woman's jar from scripture. This truth was so heavy on my heart and it never left me. Over time, the Lord revealed to me what was in my alabaster box. It was a seemingly simple thing.... my heart. Just as the Lord called beautiful the lavish affection that the woman showed in pouring out her box on Him, so would He say the same to me. All I needed to do was open my box and pour out my heart on Him, without reserving anything for myself.

It took me several years once I understood this call from Him to be able to have the faith to act on this conviction. But, when I finally chose to open that box and lavish the contents of my heart on Him, He has been faithful to respond to me with the same response he offered the Jewish woman in the bible. It has been out of the sacrifice of that alabaster box of mine that I have come to know beautiful intimacy with the Lord. And, I believe it is because of the 'wasted' cost of it's contents that He has responded by filling me with a gift far more valuable---He has given me Himself. It is for this reason that I chose to name my blog after the concept of this 'box'.

Listen: 'More Precious Than Silver'

**After much studying of these passages, I realize that there reasonable debate over whether each of these sections are in fact, an account of the exact same event. I chose to include them all, regardless of the seemingly lack of clarity on this issue. I decided this because the message conveyed to me can be seen in each passage, even if they are actually records of separate events.

HIS LOVE ENDURES FOREVER

2009-09-06T22:05:00.000-07:00

Today's Read: Psalm 136

I know I usually just link the scriptures that I am focusing on rather than including the text directly. But this time, I wanted to share directly with you this Psalm. I cannot read this Psalm and not respond with stillness and quiet in my heart. The wonder of truth in this scripture is very humbling. How great is the Lord's love for me! What I think I love the most about this section of scripture is the circumstances in which He loves me and the actions that He uses to show that to me.

Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good. His love endures forever.

Give thanks to the God of gods. His love endures forever.

Give thanks to the Lord of lords: His love endures forever.

===> Just by being who He IS, He loves.

To him who alone does great wonders, His love endures forever.

Who by his understanding made the heavens, His love endures forever.

who spread out the earth upon the waters, His love endures forever.

who made the great lights— His love endures forever.

the sun to govern the day, His love endures forever.

the moon and stars to govern the night; His love endures forever.

===> In and by His creation, He loves.

to him who struck down the firstborn of Egypt, His love endures forever.

and brought Israel out from among them, His love endures forever.

===> Even in acts that outsiders might deem cruel or unfair, He is demonstrating His love for HIS children. He is demonstrating that even in things that we cannot understand, He is loving us.

with a mighty hand and outstretched arm; His love endures forever.

to him who divided the Red Sea asunder, His love endures forever.

and brought Israel through the midst of it, His love endures forever.

but swept Pharaoh and his army into the Red Sea; His love endures forever.

to him who led his people through the desert, His love endures forever.

who struck down great kings, His love endures forever.

and killed mighty kings— His love endures forever.

Sihon king of the Amorites, His love endures forever.

and Og king of Bashan— His love endures forever.

===> As He protects, leads, FIGHTS, for us, He loves.

and gave their land as an inheritance, His love endures forever.

an inheritance to his servant Israel; His love endures forever.

to the One who remembered us in our low estate, His love endures forever.

and freed us from our enemies, His love endures forever.

and who gives food to every creature. His love endures forever.

Give thanks to the God of heaven. His love endures forever.

===> Even as we are totally undeserving, He blesses us with so much generosity of spirit. In His endless giving to us, He loves.

He loves just by being who He is and doing what He does. Everything that He does is an expression of His love for us. His nature, His creation, His protection, His gifts...... all examples and acts of His love. He loves in ways that I am incapable of loving. I can hardly love effectively when I try to, much less just by being who I am! The truth in this Psalm causes me to be still with the wonder of His love for me, and it brings me so much peaceful rest.

Father, thank you for loving me beyond all capability of my understanding. I know that I can never fully know the depth and breadth of your love for me. I pray that you would continue to reveal it to me, though and that you would continue to give me a heart that joyfully receives it.

IT'S NOT A FORMULA

2009-09-06T21:24:00.000-07:00

Tonight's Read: Mark 10

"Our hearts have been described as a 'zoo of lusts, a bedlam of ambitions, a nursery of fears, and a harem of fondled hatreds'." - Max Anders in 30 Days to Understanding the Bible

The bible tells us that "The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure" (Jeremiah 17:9) and I find this to be very true for myself. As a part of my natural personality, I have a difficult time wading through my own feelings and emotions and understanding them. Because of this, I tend to get easily weighed down by my heart. I find it difficult to discern what is just my heart and what is the Holy Spirit speaking to me. Of course there are some times when the voice of God is very clear. But more often than not, I get lost in my feelings.

When this happens, I find myself coming to the Lord looking for answers. I prayerfully ask Him to show me they way, to give me the discernment to sort through my feelings and come out on top, led by His spirit. While I don't believe this prayer is inherently wrong, The Lord has shown me that sometimes, it is not necessary. Sometimes, I need to just seek Him. Not seek Him to find a way, or to answer my questions, but just to be with Him. And likely, whatever question marks I have in my heart will fade in the face of Him. My questions will lose all meaning and significance when I am reminded of who He is.

Tonight I was reading in Mark chapter ten. In this section of scripture, different people ask questions of Jesus regarding how they should live. They ask questions about proper protocol for divorce, paying taxes and tithes, and pursuing life as a disciple of God. In the heart of each question, seems to be a desire for a 'formula' to follow so that the asker can act accordingly and go on about their life. These people are basically asking Jesus for a play by play plan for how to live their lives appropriately. Jesus' response to each question seems to be a repetitive "There is no formula. There is no exact plan to live by. There is no simple, direct answer to the questions that you ask."

The heart of Jesus' response can be found boiled down in his answer to the rich man who wanted to follow Him. (Mark 10:21) In this verse, Jesus, out of his love for the man, tells him to forsake ALL that He has and then follow after Him.

When I read this tonight, I believed it was Jesus' response to me as well. I have been asking Him questions about the muddy waters of my heart. I have been asking Him to reveal to me rules to follow and steps to take. And His answer to me is: "There is no plan. The plan is come to me and cling to nothing else"

He drives a hard bargain. He doesn't say come to Him and then, with baby steps, let go of other things that you hold dear. He says let go of everything that you hold on to and then come to Him and cling to Him. Doing this takes great faith. I know the sorrow of the rich man when Jesus asked him to sell all his wealth. My 'wealth' is not monetary. But regardless, I know the man's sorrow. It is scary and it hurts to let go of the things you cling to. But that is the way. There is no formula. The only formula is to cling to Him and nothing else.

Lord, what you ask us to do before following you is truly difficult. I pray that you would give me the wisdom and the conviction of heart to pursue you in this way. You have pursued my heart relentlessly to win me over. I pray that I could, in return, pursue you wholly, loyally, and completely. I pray that you would give me the strength to cling to only YOU. You are my stronghold, my portion and my cup. You are ENOUGH for me. I pray that you would gently remind me of this sweet truth.

Pslam 119:28 "My soul is weary with sorrow; strengthen me according to your word."
Isaiah 40:29 "He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak."

HE SAID 'NEITHER DO I'

2009-08-27T20:02:00.000-07:00

Read: All over the place in the bible!

I have to admit, I struggle a lot with forgiving myself for the sin that the Lord has already forgiven me for. I know that my rebellious past is over and done with. But, I carry immense sorrow over the reality of what it is. I trust that the Lord loves me and will forgive me. But I guess by default I struggle with the 'and forgives me' part or I wouldn't be here writing this.

My doubting the completeness of His forgiveness is all at the same time false, weak (on my part), foolish, deceitful, and offensive. The devil is dubbed 'the father of lies' (John 8:44) for a reason--- he loves to speak things into our hearts that make us doubt what the Lord has said or done and also, to make us immobile in our walk with him. To believe the devil's lies over the Lord good truth must be terribly hurtful and offensive to the Lord.

The Lord knows where I am and is faithful to meet me right where I am. So, as I struggle with this off and on, the Lord has been gently nudging me with His word, reminding me of His TRUTH over satan's lies. For example, I need not worry about my sin because He has made my redemption complete. "It is finished"(John 19:30) he said as he was dying on the cross. Did He mean His life on this earth? Did He mean the crucifixion? NO! He meant, the justification for MY SINS was finished---it was made complete on that day. I need not offer sacrifices or adhere to strict religious law. I need not live by some code in order to atone for my follies. He was my sacrifice and he fulfilled/completed/'finished' the law. So, for me to doubt that I am good enough to overcome the sins of my past is just plain wrong. He said, with those three words, that He has made me good enough. I need not worry.

So, I have been clinging to several verses when I am tempted to hold on to these feelings of unworthiness based on lies. Here they are:

Ephesians 4:22-24 Tells me that I am corrupted by my 'evil desires' to rely on my feelings rather than His truth that tells me His power is greater than my feelings. And, it also encourages me to forget the past and move on! My feelings are based on nothing but happenstance and hormones. The truth of His complete forgiveness is based in His wholly unchanging nature.

Isaiah 43:18-19 tells me that I shouldn't worry about old things because what is being worked in my life is so much greater a positive thing than my past was a negative thing. The new trumps the old. HIS work in my life now trumps anything of MINE that happened in the past. He has the trump card, period. My stuff is insignificant.

Isaiah 43:25 is quite possibly the most dumbfounding one for me. It tells me that the ALL KNOWING God no longer remembers my sin. Once I seek His forgiveness and offer to Him my failings, they are gone from His memory bank. As a human, I might be able to 'delete' my stuff, but I find it deeply difficult to figure out how to then empty the 'recycle' bin in my heart. I can try to remove it, but it's never really gone. When HE removes it, IT IS GONE. Man, that's awesome!

So basically, when I am reminded by these truths, I feel very convicted to let it go. I feel convicted to stop condemning myself. He has redeemed me. How can I call something unclean that the Lord has already declared clean? I'm a fool if I think I carry that much weight.

Lord, I thank you for perfecting me and justifying me. In one act, you made me clean. Forgive me for believing the devil's lies that my sins are greater than your forgiveness. Forgive me for doubting that I can fully move past my most shameful moments. Forgive me for forgetting to trust that your word is true. I love you for what you've done for me. I love you for what you're doing in me. I love you for what you're going to do in and for me. I love you for the goodness of who you are.

John 8:10-11 "Jesus straightened up and asked her, "Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?" "No one, sir," she said. "Then neither do I condemn you," Jesus declared."

JUST ONE OF THE ISRAELITES

2009-08-27T19:35:00.000-07:00

Read: Old Testament History (Genesis to Esther-ish)

I was studying yesterday the history of the old testament and the Hebrew people. I am familiar with the history, but reading it all in one sitting brought some new truth into light for me.** For the Israelites, God promised a homeland for them. Not because they earned it, but because He loves them and because HE is good. Regardless of what they did, they would see the promised land. BUT, when they arrived, they found every excuse in the world for why they could not actually take what He had prepared and saved for them. As a result of their rejection, they got their 40 years of aimless wandering. The Lord didn't revoke His promise or take away His blessing, but, He did make them wander as a result of their rebellion. He told them what to do and where to go in order to receive their promise and they said "'nah, that's too hard, we don't want to fight for our land, we'll just settle here." Quite frankly, it ticked God off. However, He STILL gave them their promise, they just had to wait and wait and wait for it.

Reading this felt like a huge thump on my forehead from God. I feel like He has promised me a husband and a future with a family. I believe once He promises that, He will make good on His promise. But, I am still subject to doing what He says and as He leads. Because I haven't been 100% completely and wholly submitted to Him in all areas of my life in the past--- really up until right now--I see this as rebellion.

I couldn't help but see a parallel between the Israelites and myself in this area. They were promised a home, I feel like I have been promised a home (a husband and family). They were instructed to work/fight for their land that was being occupied by other people at the time they arrived. I was instructed to work/fight by going against the grain of cultural standards and pursuing romantic relationships that are God honoring. It's not easy to do this, and for me, it was like the Israelites saying "nah, that's too hard, we don't want to fight for our land, we'll just settle here". And just as the Israelites wandered, I feel like I have been made to wander as a result of my refusal to do as He leads.

I can't say that this is the reason for extended singleness for everyone. There are many fully devoted and submitted christians who aren't blessed with a mate until they have waited for a VERY long time. However, I couldn't help but wonder if this was God speaking to me about my specific case and even possibly, the general case of our generation.

**I must throw in a quick recommendation here. I studied the structure of the bible and the History of the old testament using the book Understanding the Bible in 30 Days by Max Anders. The book covers the entire bible: history, structure, geography, themes, theology..... you name it. I won't go into too many details. However, I urge anyone, new believer or lifelong christian to read/study this book. It is AWESOME.

BAPTISM AND RESURECTION: NO TURNING BACK

2009-08-24T19:29:00.000-07:00

Read: Matthew 4-5

As I have mentioned before, I have been a believer for ever 20 years. I accepted Christ as my Savior way back I was five years old. But, I have spent the remainder of my life struggling to allow Him to be not only my Savior, but also my Lord, which is infinitely harder to do. I have been baptized, of my own accord, when I was eight. I remember wanting to do it, but I had no understanding of what it really meant. And even though I am almost embarrassed to say it, I don't know that I really even understood what it symbolized until just the last year or so.

My problem (or one of my problems, rather) is that I want to live a life with the power of Christ's resurrection, but I have not been willing to share with Him in death. Baptism symbolizes this process. In order to have new life, you must give up your old life. In order to be raised up from the dead, you must first die. In order to share in His resurrection, you must first share in His death. I have missed this utterly important principle for most of my life. Although I understood in my head, I couldn't hinge my life on it, because my heart didn't 'get it'.

In choosing to trust Him fully, I am, by default, choosing the death of my own life for myself. Even though it is a death that I must die each and every day, it is such a sweet death. Those words are strange to hear, but it's true. But, it is sweet to me, because I know it is sweet to Him. Ephesians 5:2 tells that His death is sweet to the Lord, and my death is as well.

I feel like I have been dating the Lord off an on for most of my life. During some periods, I was really committed and loyal to Him and then a certain turn of events would leave me choosing to neglect Him and tend to my selfish desires. After 22 years of wobbling on my feeble feet, I am choosing to allow Him to teach me how to walk steadily. After a lifetime of casually 'dating' the Lord, I want to proclaim to world that I have made up my mind, and that I am His. I am being baptized. It will take place towards the end of next month and I am inviting all my family, friends and acquaintances to join in celebrating with me. Because it is, in fact, something worth celebrating.

I have thought about taking this step for a long time. But I it was in the last month or two that I realized I truly wanted to go through with it. It hit me when I was reading in Matthew 4-5 about the life of Jesus. Although Jesus always knew who He was, who His God and Father was and what His destiny was to be, it wasn't until AFTER His baptism that His ministry began. I couldn't help but wonder if part of the reason why I have struggled with my own personal 'ministry' was that I wasn't willing to take part in that very first step, baptism. I have virtually always known who He is and what my destiny is to be (a vessel to be used by His love and gracious power). But, I have yet to be baptized as someone who understands what it means.

So, after 22 years of knowing Jesus Christ as my savior, I am choosing to allow Him to be my Lord. I am choosing to share in His baptism, to share in His death, and to share in His resurrection. And possibly most importantly, to proclaim to the world that I am fully committed to this God who is mighty to save. My hope is in Him. And although I have been unfaithful to Him with all of my 'wobbling' over the years, He is ever faithful. I want to joyfully proclaim this and share this sweet truth with the world.

"I have decided to follow Jesus. No turning back. No turning back."

MY STORY PART II

2009-08-04T22:53:00.000-07:00

Reading: Luke 14:25-34 and 1 Timothy 1 and 4

The first part of my story ended with my question of why I hesitated going all in for the Lord, even though I knew, in the depths of my heart, who He is. After a lot of prayer and studying of His word, I believe I understand much of the issue now. In Luke 14, Jesus himself warns us that it will not be easy to follow Him. In fact, He warns us to 'count the cost' of following Him. What I take from this passage is that I might as well not head down this road (of following Jesus) if I will only have to give up and return because I'm not willing to do/be/say/go as Jesus leads. I realize now, that for all my years of teetering on the fence that divided my will from His, I wavered because I was 'counting the cost'. I never could decide if I was willing to forsake everything in exchange for Jesus. Well, I guess my indecision was, in fact, a decision. My choice was 'no'. I wasn't willing to pay the cost.

I have found that the Lord is so very patient and gracious. He waited on me all these years to 'count the cost' of following Him in my life. Since I have finally come to a place that I have decided that nothing in this world is worth more than my Jesus, He has welcomed me with loving, open arms.

So, now I must live this love relationship out. And in doing so, I must be prepared to share my story with people who don't know the fullness of His love and grace. To do so, I have pulled some verses that I feel sums up the heart of my walk at this point in my life. In a nutshell, here is my story.

FOR WHO I LIVE AND WHY:
1 Timothy 1:15-16 "Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners---of whom I am the worst. But for that very reason I was shown mercy so that in me, the worst of sinners, Christ Jesus might display His unlimited patience as an example for those who would believe on Him and receive eternal life."

WHAT THIS MEANS FOR ME:
1 Timothy 4:9-10 "This is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance (and for this we strive), that we have put our hope in the living God, who is the Savior of all men, and especially of those who believe."

WHAT TO DO NOW:
1 Timothy 4:12 "Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity."

WHAT I STRIVE FOR:
1 Timothy 4:15-16 " Be diligent in these matters, give yourself wholly to them, so that everyone may see your progress. Watch your life and your doctrine closely. Persevere in them, because if you do, will save both yourself and your hearers."

So basically, it is four, or really three, very simple things that sums up my heart right now:

1. Jesus Christ loves and saves me with His unbelievable grace.
2. I will put my trust and hope in Him.
3. I will be diligent to live by His standards so that others can see the power of His grace and also come to know and live under it.

**It is so very important to note here that the 'living by His standards' part comes after the 'accepting His grace' part. I cannot be good enough for Him. I am not working to live by His way to earn His approval, but because I love Him and want to honor Him. His saving grace is already mine. Hallelujah for that!

THE FATHER OF ROMANCE

2009-08-04T21:40:00.000-07:00

Tonight's Read: Song of Songs

"The problem with a living sacrifice is that it has a tendency to constantly crawl off the altar." - Unknown (Unfortunately, I couldn't find the author of that quote)

There is no denying that if you want to be a follower of Christ, that you will have to give things up in order to really pursue Him. We must daily offer our sacrifices to Him, continually putting them on the altar of His grace. For me, right now especially, I am laying at the altar the control I wish to have over my dating/romantic life. I have tried to date my own way and I give up on it. I have decided to follow His ways and His standards, especially in the arena of dating. I have surrendered to His standard of holiness and eagerly look forward to the next relationship that He will bless me with, because I know that it will be done right---it will be done His way. I have a lot of peace in knowing that.

However, I have allowed the devil to creep near to me and whisper lies into my heart about this subject. The fears I have been battling the last few days have been about forfeiting romance. I am submitted to the Lord in that I trust Him to provide for me, emotionally. However, I would be lying if I said I didn't feel somewhat sorrowful over the idea that I must exchange romance for holiness. But, in my desire for obedience, my heart is saying 'Lord, I hate that I may not ever have romance again, but I will do things your way anyway."

I am not a fairy tale kind of girl. I don't expect poems and roses and butterflies like in some cheesy chick flick. But, regardless, the desire for genuine romance was woven into my heart during its formation in the womb. I'm a woman---- that's who we are. Where my lack of faith comes into play is where I believed this lie that I must say goodbye to romance. The enemy, the father of lies, is chanting this into my heart. And it is simply not true. As I battled with this concern today, I decided to read Song of Songs again. It offered me so much encouragement when I read it last, that I thought I needed to revisit this love letter from the Lord.

Reading this book again, I found so much comfort on two levels. For one, I was reminded of the Lord's great love for me. No matter what I was struggling with, it is soothing to my heart to be reminded that he finds me 'beautiful' (v. 1:15) and 'flawless' (4:7). That 'His banner over me is love' (2:4) and that I have 'stolen His heart' (4:9). To be the object of that kind of affection is a beautiful and wonderful thing.

Reading Song of Songs for this second time though, I realized that I need not worry about having the opportunity to be fulfilled romantically. The bible is FULL of things God created, both tangible and intangible. He created man and woman (tangible) and he also created the concepts of marriage and family (intangible). I realized tonight that He is also the father and creator of romance! Read like an allegory, Song of Songs actually is a love letter from God to me. But read literally, Song of Songs is one of the most beautiful stories of romance ever written. The magnitude of these lovers' passion rivals that of the greatest stories written by Shakespeare, Browning and the like. How could I doubt that this God, who loves me and created romance, ask me to forsake ever experiencing it?

Reading tonight felt like God's shouts of reassurance and encouragement over the enemy's whispers of lies. I serve such a gracious, tender, merciful and loving God. How lucky am I that He is mine---my King!

So, I will rise again tomorrow morning and place this back on the altar, even though I know at some point the whispers of the devil will call to my sacrifice to crawl back down off the altar. Lucky for me, my God is patient and forgiving, and will allow me to return, yet again, with my living sacrifice. And by His grace, I will come.

Lord, you are so beautiful. I will trust you to be enough for me. Your word tells me that I have stolen your heart. I will cling to that truth and find my joy and identity in knowing that I am loved by the King.

LOVE: THE VERB

2009-07-28T01:14:00.000-07:00

Tonight's Read: Matthew ch. 25 and Mark ch. 1-3

As I have written before, I am still learning how to live a life yielded to the Holy Spirit. I suppose this learning will be a life long process. Since the desire of my heart is to have closeness with the Lord and to honor Him, I have a huge task before me. I have never been a 'legalistic' christian. In fact, I probably could have described myself in the past as completely the opposite, a 'grace abuser', if you will. Since I have decided to give up on my life for myself and live His life for me, I have noticed a shift in myself. For one thing, the desire to honor Him has become much more complete. On the flipside, however, I have sensed myself struggling with a spirit of legalism. I don't mean the type of legalism where I justify indulging in certain sins while behaving saintly regarding others. I mean more of feeling guilty to do everything 'right', to the point of overthinking many of my actions. After all, Jesus himself said "If you love me, you will obey what I command" (John 14:15). When you think about that short verse, it's pretty intimidating!

When I read in Mark tonight, I noticed that in Jesus' ministry, the first person to proclaim Jesus as the messiah was a demon! (Mark 1:24) This was so startling for me. It reminded me of James 2:19 that says "You believe that there is one God. Good! Even the demons believe that—and shudder." What this spoke to me was that it is simply not enough to 'know' and 'love' God in your heart-- you must do something with those thoughts and feelings. Although there have been many things that kept me at a pace of crawling in my walk with the Lord, one thing that allowed me to stumble so consistently is that I was relying on my 'feelings' of love for the Lord to be enough to make me walk. The truth is, that is simply not enough. I heard a quote long ago that has really stuck with me that says "Love the feeling is a fruit of love the verb." I realize now that my 'feeling' of love was likely so inconsistent in intensity and devotion because I almost entirely lacked my use of love the 'verb'.

So what now then? Like I said, I am struggling somewhat with this spirit of legalism because I want to exercise this verb of love by 'doing what [He] commands'. He tells us how to exercise our love verbs in Matthew 25 (v. 35-36). But I don't want to do these things just to do them. I want to do them with my love for Him in my heart. I want to learn how to love others in action as He did and as He commands us to. When He talks about these things in Matthew, there is no mention of loving people by pointing out their sins, or waiting for them to be polite, demanding that they contribute of their talents and resources, or you name it. The way He tells us to love is with no strings attached. Not to 'love if they______' (insert anything you wish in the blank.) He implies that we are to love for love's sake. We are to love because He loves. We are to love because He loved us first. And, most importantly, He loved us by doing, not by feeling.

This is certainly something that I cannot do on my own. I cannot love people who I don't feel deserve it. I cannot love people who are difficult or emotionally unavailable. I cannot. But He can, through me. So, I suppose, my act of love is to simply be a vessel for His love to sail through. This is definitely something that I must carry in prayer if I want to exercise my verb of love.

Lord, teach me to continue to yield my spirit to you so that I don't do things out my own will, but out of the power of your loving spirit. The greatest thing that you have given me is love. So, please, teach me to be obedient by teaching me to love. Give me a heart like yours--- a heart of love.

1 Corinthians 13:13 "And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love."

MINE ALL MINE

2009-07-28T00:33:00.000-07:00

Tonight's Read: Song of Songs

As I read God's word tonight, I read it as a love letter to me. Not a generic letter to the world, but a specific letter to me. What a beautiful love story! I am learning how to trust this God who I have heard about all my life; this God who waited patiently for me while I rebelled against Him by selfishly indulging in my own desires for my life. I have tried my way and I have been left with destruction that runs so deep that I will always have scars that remain. He has been gently tending to these wounds of mine for some time now. Even while I was trying to self medicate with a laundry list of destructive and fruitless efforts, He was still there, unbeknownst to me. The reality is, while I can learn to trust Him to heal these wounds in my heart that are a result of my own selfish rebellion, I will have scars to bear even after the healing. But there is so much beauty in knowing that He bears scars as well.

I have long wanted to fully know the 'the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord" (Romans 8:39) But I filled my heart with so many things, worthless things, that there was no room left for the love that He offers. In order for me to take hold of His great love for me, I first had to be willing to empty out all the other stuff that was residing in what should be His place---my heart. When I read Song of Songs tonight, I heard His whispers, or rather, shouts, of love to me. These verses ripple into the eternity of my heart "How beautiful you are, my darling! Oh, how beautiful!" (1:15) and "Arise my darling, my beautiful one, and come with me." (2:10)

What I'm hearing the Lord speak to me is this: "Don't you know that I have always loved you? You are precious and perfect to me. I long to have you near to me. Come with me now, waste no time, and come to be with me." My heart simultaneously leaps for joy and brims with fulfillment at hearing the God of the Universe speak this love poem into my spirit. He pays no mind to my rebellious past or my forever scars. He insists that I waste no time and worry about nothing, but only to come to Him without regard for anything else.

This love, this lover, this love letter-- is mine. I find so much beauty in the tenderness of this truth. Yes, 'God so loved the world' (John 3:16). But, what this means though, is that God loved me. One tough thing about His love for me, for us, is that it is intangible and invisible. I cannot capture a photograph of it to share with someone who doesn't know Him and His love. It must be experienced to be understood. But, man oh man, how sweet His love is, truly.

If I could tell the world one thing and one thing only, it would be this: "Please, I beg of you, come near to this gentle lover. You will never believe His love for you. Please, come taste and see that He is good."

Psalm 34:8 "Taste and see that the LORD is good; blessed is the man who takes refuge in him."

Sweet Lord, thank you that your love is mine. Thank you that your love is so great that there is enough for the whole world and still enough left over for me. Your love is so sweet and brings me so much joy and peace. I praise you for that. I pray Lord, that I can be used as a reflection of your love to people in this world who do not yet know how you love them, too.

THE GOD I NEVER KNEW

2009-07-16T23:57:00.001-07:00

Tonight's Read: Isaiah 43

I know that the bible calls us to be God's mouthpiece into the world. As believers, we have a responsibility to share with the hopeless the hope that we have in our Savior. I will be the first to admit that I am far from a model 'witness'. Not only have I not actively pursued opportunities to share my God with people that don't truly know him, but I also have run from the opportunities when they were presented to me.

I have known the Lord for twenty years. Well, I should probably do a little backtracking on that statement. For twenty years, I have acknowledged in my heart that the triune God is my savior. I have known who He is. However, my relationship with Him could be described as broken, weak and inconsistent for many of my years. It is only until the most recent times of my life that I have begun to really know Him personally. For example, I grew up knowing that God loved me. I never questioned it. But in the depths of my heart, I believed the kind of affection he had for me was similar to the kind of affection that a mother turtle might have for one of her hundreds of eggs. Sure, she birthed them and wants them to fare well in life. But it's just a part of life that as soon as she lays her eggs, she buries them in the sand and then departs from them to go on about the rest of her days. It's not that she doesn't care for them, but it's certainly not the same kind of affection that a human mother has for her offspring. My understanding of God loving me in this way could not be farther from the truth of who He is!

Since trusting the Lord fully to be who He says He is to me, He has graciously revealed to me how wrong I was about Him! I am not one of hundreds that he will bury and abandon. I am one that he 'created...formed...redeemed....summoned...ransomed' (Isaiah ch. 43) and I am 'precious and honored in [His] sight and because [He] loves me, will give men in exchange for my life' (v.4). Reading what His word says about His affection for me is in stark opposition to my assumption that He loves me like a turtle. His book, His word tells me that I am infinitely valuable and He treasures me because He chose me!

I used to think that the reason I felt so inadequate to witness to the lost was because I lead a life that had sinfulness in it and didn't want to appear hypocritical and as a result, hurt the kingdom. But I realize now, that the reason I couldn't share with people about my God is because I really didn't truly know Him. Hallelujah that He has been patient, faithful and gracious enough to open the eyes of my heart to understand the truth of His heart for me. Not only do I now feel like I might be able to share His love with someone who didn't know, but I feel so excited at the thought of the opportunity to spread the good news. It's like the light bulb has finally come on and I 'get it'. What a truly wonderful thing to understand--- who this God of love is to me.

Zephania 3:17 "The Lord your God is with you, He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing."

AREN'T WE ALL PRODIGALS?

2009-07-16T23:16:00.000-07:00

Today's Read: Luke 15

In this chapter of Luke, there are three short stories that share the same theme. In each story, something very valuable is lost and then eventually recovered. In the first story, there is a shepherd who loses a sheep. In the second story, a woman who has ten coins loses one of them. And the final story is of the prodigal son. These three stories not only share the aspect of something being lost and then found again, they also all tell of the considerable joy of the finder. It is one thing for something misplaced or forgotten to be merely stumbled upon again at a later time. But for the finder to have complete joy in the finding reveals the true value of what had been lost.

It is easy to think of the story of the prodigal and think that he represents someone other than yourself. It is easy to think 'Well, I have not squandered my inheritance. Nor have I lived a life of utter sinful rebellion as he did, so surely, the prodigal is not me.' When I read this this story again tonight though, I realized that I actually am the prodigal son, the lost son. When I first accepted Jesus Christ as my savior was when I was given my inheritance of grace. And for many years after that that I have chosen to walk with one foot in His kingdom and one foot in mine; I have been a glutton for His grace. I have selfishly and foolishly leeched out so much of his graciousness toward me without responding in an appropriate, thankfully respectful manner. Basically, he paid me for doing no work. He gave me an unbelievable inheritance that I indulged on without ever acting like I was his son, who might have been worthy of an inheritance. So yes, I am the prodigal son. Until we are walking in complete submission to His glory and holiness, we are all prodigal sons.

Since I have chosen to return to my father with the same cry of the prodigal "'Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son." (v. 21) I have been so very humbled by His warm welcome of my coming home. I have recently been in the midst of difficult circumstances that have been painful to wade through, yet in the midst of my sorrow, I have had a sense of joy. I couldn't quite understand why I had the joy until I remembered the joy of the finder in each of these three stories. He is so full of rejoicing, joyfulness, gladness and celebration over my return to Him that His joy flows over into my heart.

Gracious Father, you are so good. I am not worthy of the celebration that you prepare at my homecoming. But, I will worship you for your generous gift of grace, my inheritance.

Job 8:21 "He will yet fill your mouth with laughter and your lips with shouts of joy."

WHAT A FRIEND WE HAVE IN JESUS

2009-07-13T22:53:00.000-07:00

Monday, July 13, 2009
Tonight's Read: Luke 11:1-44

"What a friend we have in Jesus,
All our sins and griefs to bear!
What a privilege to carry
Everything to God in prayer!
Oh, what peace we often forfeit,
Oh, what needless pain we bear,
All because we do not carry
Everything to God in prayer!

Have we trials and temptations?
Is there trouble anywhere?
We should never be discouraged--
Take it to the Lord in prayer.
Can we find a friend so faithful,
Who will all our sorrows share?
Jesus knows our every weakness;
Take it to the Lord in prayer."

In this story, the raising of Lazarus from the dead, there are several things to learn about Jesus and who God really is. The first, and most obvious thing to recognize is the magnificence of God's power through the work of this miracle. Lazarus was dead, not dying, not sick. He was dead, and had been for some time. Verse 17 tells us that Lazarus had already been in the tomb for four days. Jesus walks up to the tomb and speaks 'Lazarus, come out!" (v.43). He doesn't even touch the man! He simply speaks, and the man who has been dead for days rises with no pause. I think if I had been there, I would have fainted at the sight of all this. This God, my God, is amazing.

What is even more profound though, is that even though the Lord is all powerful and completely sovereign, he chooses to love me. In fact, Jesus shows us here that He loves us in a way that is very human, very real, and very easy for me personally to relate to. Consider the order of events in this story:

-First, Lazarus is on his deathbed, so his sisters send for Jesus to come back into the town where they live to heal him before his imminent death.
- Next, much to the dismay of His disciples, Jesus chooses to stay where he was for two more days, even though everyone knew that Lazarus would surely be dead before Jesus could reach him if he spared any time.
- After that, Lazarus dies and his sisters prepare him for burial and place him in the tomb. In their minds, I'm sure, they believed it was finished. And they mourned.
- Now, during this time, Jesus had already told all the people that this would 'not end in death' even though Lazarus had 'fallen asleep'. Jesus already KNEW that he need not mourn for his friend, because he knew that Lazarus would rise at His command.
- Finally, even though Jesus already knows the work that He is going to do in Lazarus, and has no need for mourning of him, he deeply empathizes with Mary and Martha, Lazarus' sisters. In fact, Jesus was moved to tears. John tells us that "Jesus wept." (v.35) I don't believe He was weeping in a mournful way, for He knew that Lazarus would be with them again in moments. He wept because He loved the sisters so much and truly carried the burdens of their hearts in His.

What does this all tell me? Jesus knew all along that he need not mourn for His friend Lazarus. He knew that Lazarus would not remain dead, because He knew of the miracle He would preform when He reached Lazarus' tomb in Bethany. Yet, when faced with Lazarus' grieving sisters, Jesus was so overcome with compassion and empathy, that he was moved to weeping. I have many friends who will support me through hard times and who genuinely care for me if I'm hurting. However, I find it difficult to think of many friends that are so in sync with my heart that they would be moved to weeping for my hurts. The bible doesn't tell us that Jesus 'teared up' or that He 'felt for them' or 'was thinking about them in their loss'. The bible tells us that he 'wept'. I don't believe I have friends that would 'weep' for me. Oh wait, I suppose I can think of one :)

Sweet Lord Jesus, you are a friend that sticks closer than a brother. I am continually amazed that although you are wholly God, you chose to love me, and, you choose to be my friend. Thank you for the sweetest friendship I'll ever be a part of! Amen.

THE GREATEST COMMANDMENT

2009-07-13T22:51:00.000-07:00

Monday, July 13, 2009
Today's Read: Psalms 90-93

To me, Psalms is quite possibly the most beautiful book in the bible. In the new testament, we are told that the greatest of all commandments is 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' (Matthew 22:37). For myself, this has always been easier said than done. Obedience, following conviction, 'running the good race'; these are all much easier things to do, when it comes down to it. All these things that we are asked to do require mostly discipline and a certain amount of faith. But how do you possibly follow this, the greatest of all commandments? After all, our hearts can only be spent on so many things, and if we give the largest portion to our Lord, what is there that's left for the rest of the world, for our families, for our coworkers and friends, for the lost? Or more frankly, for ourselves? Even if we can get to a point of faith where we desire obedience to the Lord in this greatest commandment, it is impossible for us to complete this task on our own.

Thus, intro Psalms. To me, Psalms has always been the easiest book of the bible to read, because I see so much of myself and my life in it. I see my heart's reflection in the soul of someone who struggles with the constant uphill battle that is finding peace in this world. I see myself in the authors who cry out to the Lord in their pain. The Psalms are so easy to relate to, because they are a picture of every man.

Even more beautiful than seeing my own reflection in the Psalms though, is seeing a glimpse of the true nature of who God is. Seeing a picture of the sovereign God next to a reflection of my own finite soul is so incredibly humbling. I cannot help but recognize with a worshipful heart, that this God is AWEsome. In fact, when I think about trying to speak to Him after seeing Him in His true nature through today's reading, I am left with nothing to say. My heart is swollen and my lips are empty. I am in awe.

Reading the Psalms shows me who God is. They reveal to me the person whom I am commanded to be madly in love with. When I truly see this person, this God, I cannot help but become overwhelmed with affection and adoration for Him. Then, following this greatest commandment no longer feels like a task to complete, but a treasure to cherish.

Gracious Beautiful Father,
It amazes me that though I am so insignificant, you choose to let me in the truth of who you are. I praise you for humbling me enough to reveal to me yourself. Although I know I am not worthy, Lord, I know that you CHOSE me! Hallelujah for the beauty of your plans! Hallelujah for the beauty and Majesty of who you are.

Psalm 92:4 "For you make me glad by your deeds, O LORD; I sing for joy at the works of your hands."

MY STORY: PART I

2009-07-13T22:48:00.000-07:00

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

It has been a simultaneously refreshing and challenging last few weeks. The Lord has been pulling on my heart in a multitude of ways. While His call looks different in many ways, the message of His word to me has a heavy common theme: come closer.

I have been a ‘christian’ for basically all my life. I accepted Jesus into my heart when I was only five years old at Vacation Bible School at Trinity New Life Fellowship Church in Arlington, Texas.
I remember very clearly listening to the gentle story of who Jesus was and how He wanted to be my friend, in the utmost sense of the word. The understanding I was able to have was small, but so profound. I knew who Jesus was. I didn’t even know yet who I was. But I knew I needed Jesus to be my friend. To hold my hand, to care for me and protect me. To be my best friend. I knew I needed Jesus. That evening, I prayed with both of my parents, laying on their brown quilted bedspread, and invited this Jesus to come and live in my heart and be my best friend.

There are millions of people wandering through this life that share a very similar story with me. People who become christians at a young age, try to be good and keep God in mind as they grow, wander away as soon as they face any real kind of temptation, and then flounder in the face of the world as they continually hesitate becoming who God truly set them apart to be. The journey of my life has been very easy, on anyone’s terms. I have a wonderful, loving, functional family. I have never been anything but loved and accepted completely by my family and friends. I have found success easily in school and beyond into the professional world. So, the reasoning for my utter mediocrity as a christian, as a child of God, is puzzling to me. I don’t have the excuse of life being cruel to me and then in turn, me equating uncomfortable circumstances to the existence of an apathetic, or worse, a cruel God. Life has been generally comfortable and blessed for me. So what reason is there that I run and hide from the God who has blessed me so greatly? Why not run to Him and thank Him for my life of abundance?