GOD, SPEAK TO ME! WAIT, NO-- PLEASE HUSH!

Isaiah 40:8
"The grass withers and the flowers fail, but the word of our God stands firm forever."

I have become all too familiar with God's voice, especially when it comes to him saying 'no' to me. I have my plans, I have my ideas. I bounce my important decisions off of people who can give me wise godly counsel. But regardless if all those things line up to say 'yes' to me going forward with something, God can still say no. I have learned that I don't have to know why his 'no' is 'no'. I don't have to know his reasons. Scripture tells me this about God's plans: "But they do not know the thoughts of the Lord; they do not understand his plan" (Micah 4:12) and "the plans of the Lord stand firm forever" (Psalm 33:11) So I know this: the Lord has a plan and I will likely not understand it. Oftentimes, his plans will not make sense to us. But, I also have learned that I must say yes to him when he speaks to me.

I have very recently, in a real and tangible way heard the Lord's voice to me saying 'no' in my heart. I had plans to move in with a good christian friend of mine. I had prayed for months for a roommate, had thoughtfully discussed and planned with her about our living together, and we included other christian friends in helping us come to a conclusion about our decision. All signs pointed to 'yes' from what we could see. As the day drew nearer and we began to draw up paperwork for our lease, the voice of the Lord began screaming in my heart. I got no explanation, no reasoning, no understanding for why this could not come to fruition. I just knew I was hearing God say 'no' to taking this step. Since I have learned, from rather painful experiences, that it is always best to answer in obedience to God's call, I went through the uncomfortable and uncertain steps of following him in faith. While my friend was very gracious about the obedience I had to offer the Lord in these moments, I still had much frustration for why it seemed he was making things so difficult for me in this process. But I chose to trust and obey anyway.

My first instinct in hearing 'no' is to stamp my foot and whine like a three year old. While instead, I should rejoice in his 'no' because it means two things: 1) He is protecting me from something. It might be a dangerous situation, it might be a left turn where it would be best to go right, it might just be protection from myself. And 2) Even if I don't like what he's saying, he is choosing to speak to me, to guide me, to lead me in the steps of his will. And isn't that what I've been praying and asking him to do for so long?

While scripture says that we don't have to know the plans of the Lord, sometimes, we are blessed to get a peek at what he is working. In just a matter of weeks after breaking plans with my roommate in response to the Lord's call of no, I made a sudden decision to move cities entirely. This was not something that had been on my radar even a little bit, but I something I felt a lot of peace in pursuing. On the heels of making this decision to uproot my life and move home near my family, I was able to see how God's 'no' to pursuing living with my friend was just a stepping stone into the next phase of my life he had planned for me. Had I ignored his call, I would have a big mess to clean up and get out of right now as I make my next steps in life. But because I chose to trust and obey, my next steps will be easy and largely effortless. Thank you Jesus that "If the Lord delights in a man's way, he makes his steps firm; though he stumble, he will not fall, for the Lord upholds him with his hand." (Psalm 37:23-24) Because you delight in my way [meaning my heart desires you, your glory,power and honor] you will not let me fall. I praise God for the ways even his 'no' is an act of him upholding me with his right hand and keeping me from falling and failing.

Forgive me for having such little faith that my knee-jerk reaction is to whine and pout instead of rejoicing with thanksgiving that you love me enough to guide and protect me. Thank you, Father, that your 'no' is always a protection that is keeping right in your plan-- your good, pleasing and perfect plan for me. Give me eyes to see your 'no' as faithful love to me and give me a heart that rejoices in that pruning.

SPIRITUAL REST, Part 2

Todays' Read: Matthew 11:25-30

Before even doing the search on 'rest', I knew one thing God had to say about rest was this: "Come to me all who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." (Matthew 11:29-30)

When I hear the phrase 'take my yoke, my burden' I am initially hesitant to want to obey that command from Jesus. Burdens, as I know them, are never easy and never light. A burden is called a burden for a reason. In addition, when I hear 'take mine' I immediately think "But I've already got my own load! How am I supposed to also carry yours? There's no more room on my back! My hands are all tied up!" For the first time in my life, I feel the Lord has given me some insight on this verse and this idea.

Jesus never meant for us to carry our own burdens AND his. The reality is that everyone has a burden, or a load to carry. In modern terms, let's call it a backpack--- we all have a backpack. When Jesus tells us to take his 'backpack', he never meant for us to wear two backpacks at once. It's actually impossible. Rather, he meant for us to exchange our backpack for his. What's in my backpack? The weight of loneliness, the burden of fear, the heaviness of uncertainty. In his? The freedom of joy, peace, fulfillment and purpose. Which backpack would you rather carry? Jesus', obviously. Me too.

Taking his yoke doesn't mean picking something else up, it means exchanging your weight for his. Got a heavy backpack? Jesus says "Mine only has a feather light load in it.... take mine instead." Don't like the food you ordered? Jesus says "Here, mine's delicious and satisfying, take mine instead." Lost on the road of life because your version of the map has no compass or key? Jesus says "Here, I know the route by heart, take mine instead--- it has all the directions."

When Jesus says "take mine", He doesn't mean to take his in addition to yours, but rather, take his INSTEAD of yours.

Jesus, thank you that I can unload at your feet and exchange my weight for your joy. When out of stubborn pride and foolishness I reach to put on my own backpack again, I pray that you remind me of the joy in exchanging my load for yours. Thank you for bearing the weight of my brokenness. Thank you for your finished work on the cross that affords me this easy yoke of joy and peace. You are so unbelievably merciful and good to me.

SPIRITUAL REST, PART 1

Leviticus 16:31

"It is a sabbath of rest, and you must deny yourselves; it is a lasting ordinance."

I have grown increasingly busy over the last several months. While most, if not all, of the things keeping me busy are things that a) I chose to take on of my own accord, and b) are purposeful and not frivolent in nature. That is to say I'm not busy as a social butterfly is busy, but mostly in commitments to my growing in my career and even more with my church body. As I have sustained such a busy schedule for some time now, I have simultaneously been running lower and lower on steam. About a week and a half ago, I petered out entirely. Now, what this 'petering out' looked like for me was a total emotional meltdown where I burst into tears at work from all the pressure and stress I was feeling from being stretched so thin. As the dust settled from my total conniption fit, I realized that I needed some rest on many levels. If I was going to find it, I needed to see what God had to say about rest. One of my favorite things to do in studying the word is to do what I call a 'word study'. All this means is I type a keyword into www.biblegateway.com and then review all the scriptures that matched the search. When I searched 'rest' the result was literally almost 500 verses. Clearly, God had a lot to say about rest.

It was when I read Leviticus 16:31 that God spoke to me. He didn't whisper, he didn't hint. He might as well have slapped me on the forehead with the bible. The reason that I had become so utterly exhausted was because of my self idolatry. I had chosen, over the last few months, to allow myself back onto the throne seat. I had become most important in my life as a default that I had neglected him. My daily concern was more about what I could accomplish in a day, a week, a month than it was about just meeting with him and being still before him. I have been pursuing accomplishing things that are 'good' and 'honorable'. But the bottom line, is I don't accomplish anything. And I am learning firsthand that when I try to accomplish things in my flesh that were meant for the Lord to accomplish through me, I will become utterly exhausted. It was in reading Leviticus 16:31 that God spoke to me of my own self idolatry. In my efforts to do what he has led me to do, but to do it in my own 'power', it was as if I was saying "Ok God, I'll do what you told me, but I don't need you. I'm good enough to get it accomplished on my own." God had a different message for me. His message was a reminder that if I think I can do it without him, I am elevating myself above him, which is, in fact, idolatry. Webster's online dictionary says this about idolatry: excessive attachment or veneration for anything; respect or love which borders on adoration. By denying my need for him to accomplish all that I had to accomplish, I was having 'excessive veneration and respect' for myself over him. Leviticus 16:31 told me that I need not deny him, but I need to deny myself. In denying myself, I will find the rest that I so desperately need.

Thank you, Lord, that you allow me a place of rest. It is in dying to myself, in choosing not to war with my flesh within me, but rather, surrender to you in my heart, that I find the rest that you intend. Thank you Lord, that when I find myself in you, I find rest. You are so good to me.

Psalm 23:2-3 "He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he restores my soul. He guides me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake."

AN HONEST, IF IRREVERENT PRAYER

I know it might seem unbearably personal, but I want to share this prayer with you. I know that feeling alone, powerless and disappointed are feelings that most, if not all, believers will experience at some point in their lives. I don't mean to be irreverent to the Lord by asking and saying such bold things. But scripture does give us the freedom to "come boldly before the throne of grace, that we may find grace and obtain mercy in our time of need." (Hebrews 4:16 NKJV). And, it also tells us to 'pour out our hearts to him' (Psalm 62:8). It doesn't say to pour out just the parts that are pretty or pleasant. It says to pour out our hearts. Now, I don't know about you, but my heart has a LOT of stuff in it. Some of it is kind of nice and good. However, a lot of it.... not so much.

I have been going through a season of my life where I feel as though I have gone out on a limb in trusting the Lord with my life in it's entirety. I am struggling now with trusting him with that ultimate control of my life. As I'm fumbling around, trying to deal with my struggles in my own power, I cried out to the Lord, from the deepest depths of my heart, in a prayer tonight.

Although it is quite intimidating to share such an intimate thing, I want to share this prayer with you. I suppose I want you to know, that even in my struggles, even in my season of doubt and distrust, I know what the Lord says. I know his word to be true. We will likely all go through these seasons, but praise the Lord that "The faithful love of the Lord never ends! His mercies never cease. Great is his faithfulness; his mercies begin afresh each morning." (Lamentations 3:22-23 NLT) Because of this, I believe, he allows mercy for our doubts, our fears, our frustrations born of small faith. I don't like being in a place where I doubt him. But I praise him with all thankfulness and glory to him that he provides me that mercy to walk in that is renewed each day. Man, I sure do love my Lord.

Here is the prayer I wrote to him tonight:
Sunday, May 2, 2010

I have to admit, Lord, I'm quite angry with you. I know my anger is unrighteous, self-righteous, and inherently evil. But your word tells me to pour out my heart to you. I am here to pour myself out before you. I don't often know what to say. I don't even know that I can articulate what I'm feeling. I will start with what I do know and just share my heart with you. My heart, after all, is yours--- you might as well know what's inside.

I am so angry. I just want to hit something. I want to go before you and scream. I know that you have every good right to strike me dead before you for my irreverent display of immature faithlessness. I can't say that I hate you. I hate where you have me. I hate how I feel. But I fear you enough to never say that I hate you. I do want to say 'why?', though. Why do you have me hurting like this? Why do you have me feeling SO ALONE? I feel so, so empty, pale and dark. I feel empty yet so burdened. I feel the weight of the world is crushing my shell of a soul. Why do I have to hurt like this? Am I not 'getting' something? Why does my frail heart have to endure this deep of a wound? Why does the tenderness in my heart have to bear this burden of loneliness?

I am angry at you. I am angry because I know it is in your power to act. You could pull me from this in this very instant. You could fix my heart. You could lift the burden. You could fill the emptiness and repair the festering wounds. But you sit silent. And the only words you speak are 'no'.

I wish I was a Job; one who was 'crushed' but never curses you. I know that's who I should be. But my faith is apparently so small. I just hurt so much.

Your word tells me that you give and take away. All I see you do is take away. Take. Take. Take. I know it is all rightfully yours. But Lord, don't you have some compassion for me? Doesn't your heart hurt for me like it did for Mary and Martha? Don't you love me? Don't you want to heal me? Don't you want to be merciful to me? Where are you?

I can't do it. I can't stay like this. I can't be filled with this hurt, bitterness, anger and disappointment. I can't have a life like this. I just want to be taken away. I just want to be away from this world. It is too much right now. I can't bear it.

So, I quietly drum through my day like a robot. No purpose, no passion, no heart. How can I give my heart to my 'purpose' here when I feel as though my heart has been stolen from me. It has disappeared into oblivion. Where my heart has gone, I don't know. All I know is the burning wounds it's absence has left behind.

I don't want to be filled with hate. I don't want to be angry at you. I NEED you. I need you to hear me. I need you to act. I need you to be ENOUGH for me. Won't you be what you promised to be? Hear me now, Lord! I can't do this on my own. I can't bear this weight of my own broken heart. My heart is broken within me. How did it break? I don't know. But I know that YOU are the only one who can fix it. Please, Lord, have mercy on me now. Have mercy on my weak, weak soul. I'm just wasting away.

Forgive me, Jesus. Forgive me for my weak and miserable faith. I am not worthy of your mercy. I, in my irreverence, don't deserve your kindness. My faith is much too small to comprehend your goodness. I cannot fathom it, but I know it to be true. Your word says it is IMPOSSIBLE for you to lie. Please teach me to believe your promises. And Lord, forgive me. Forgive me for not trusting you. Forgive me for making a god out of so many things born of my own flesh. Forgive me for making an idol of marriage, of relationship, of love, of my own comfort. Forgive me for placing my own desires on the altar. Forgive me, Lord. I don't deserve your mercy.

Be merciful to me now, Lord. Come to me. Hear me. Hear and act. Heal me now. Meet me in my darkest hour. Carry me. Carry this burden now. Carry this burden and let YOUR NAME be glorified. Let YOUR renown be known because your mercy to me in this burden of hopelessness.

I do love you. I can't run from you. I know I can't escape you and I fear that now. Teach me to find comfort in that. Teach me to rest in knowing that I don't have to run, except to you. Teach me to let you be my refuge. And forgive me for refusing to let you be my Lord. I'm not worthy of you. Thank you for not leaving me now. I don't even know how to say how much I need you. I need you, I need you, I need you. Please Lord, be mine. Don't ever let me be mine. I am not my own, I am yours.

Unless a kernel of wheat dies, it can never bear new life. The new life I bear Lord, I bear in you. Teach me to die to myself and find joy in it. Teach me to find comfort and thanksgiving in dying to myself in exchange for your glory and ABUNDANCE.

I don't even know what to say.

I am yours.

Bethany


I encourage you, wherever you are in your life right now, pour out your heart to him. He is enough for you.(Psalm 73:25-26)