Achan in my Life

Joshua 7

I have long loved the verse Hosea 2:14-15 "Therefore I am now going to allure her; I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her. There I will give her back her vineyards, and will make the Valley of Achor, a door of hope." I never knew where the term 'Valley of Achor' came from or really what it meant on any real level. All I did know was the footnote in my bible that said "*Achor means 'trouble'". I just liked the sound of God taking my troubles and using them to give me hope, a la Romans 8:28-29. Last week in my bible study time, I found myself randomly (and I mean randomly) in Joshua 7. I grew up on the stories of Joshua, but disappointingly admit that I have never read the book entirely for myself. So, without having read the first 6 chapters, starting in on chapter 7 was a little odd, but certainly not by chance. (As I would discover as I chewed on the morsel the Lord gave me from this portion of His word that day after I finished my reading.)

Joshua 7 is subtitled 'Achan's Sin'. I had no idea who Achan was or what his sin was- no frame of reference whatsoever. But whoever he was, or whatever he did, must have been pretty important to earn a subtitle in the scriptures. I'm just sayin'.

I encourage you to read the chapter for yourself, but I will offer you a Cliff's Notes version just to speed things up and put us all on the same page. The Israelites had just conquered Jericho and were ordered by God to destroy everything in the city before continuing in the promised land. They did as they were told and then proceeded to send some scouts into the land to begin acquiring it. What they all expected to be like shooting fish in a barrel, ended up with their scouts being slaughtered. Begging God for answers on why they were experiencing such difficulty, he replied with a really simple "You didn't do what I told you. I told you to destroy everything from Jericho, but someone among you kept some it for themselves." Fast forward a few verses and dun, dun, dun!! -- whodunit? You guessed it: Achan. Achan's sin was that he did as God instructed (destroy all that was in Jericho) but ,and this is a colossal but, he kept just a teeny tiny bit of it hidden for himself. He mostly did exactly as God said, but not completely did he obey.

Now, because of Achan's sin, trouble upon trouble was heaped on those around him. And ultimately, Achan was stoned and buried in the Wilderness. Because of Achan and his sin (of keeping just a little smidgen for himself, when God demanded everything), the place where he is buried is called the "Valley of Achor" or, the Valley of Trouble.

I could not help but feel my own eyes filled with conviction as I looked at my own heart. How many times has the Lord instructed me to give Him my all and I respond with "Absolutely, God." All the while thinking to myself 'Except for this one tiny bit I'll hold on to, secretly.' And how many times have I walked through and remained in 'Valleys of Trouble' because I didn't just do as he asked and hand it all over.

Now, for me, Hosea 2:15 takes on entirely new meaning. The encouragement in this for me, is that, so often the Valley of Achor is a result of my own doing*. So, how much more merciful, and more beautiful that the Lord still chooses to use these Valleys as an opportunity to give me hope. Out of my own sin, my own failures, he offers hope. And he'll offer it to you, too.

(*Please be noted that this is not always the case- I believe it is scripturally accurate that the Lord allows us to walk through hurts and pains that are not a result of our own doing, but just mysteries that are for his glory. That is to say, as a reminder, that we can never be 'good' enough to avoid hurt and 'earn' blessing. I just thought it was important to make a note of that theological principle.)


Thank you, Thank you Lord, that you redeem what I ruin with my foolishness. How silly to think that I can keep things in secret from you and get away with it! Thank you Lord, that your mercies never run out on me and you always stand ready to forgive me and offer me hope. Please teach me to see where I am holding out on you and refusing to give you everything. And when my eyes are open to my withholding, Lord, give me the strength and desire to let go and hand it over joyfully.


Lamentations 3:22-23 (ESV) " The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness."

GRAPEFRUIT

Psalm 107:9 "For he satisfies the thirsty and fills the hungry with good things."

I am a pretty healthy eater (Thanks, momma!) but have always hated grapefruit and it's bitter undertone. I recently discovered a supersweet variety that is arguably the best fruit I have ever inhaled. (Yes, inhaled.) As I was savoring each juicy morsel during my lunch break, I was curious about the health benefits of grapefruit and the history of it as well. In doing some light research over lunch, I discovered that grapefruit earned its name because it grows in clusters in trees similar to actual grapes. In my curiosity, I wanted to see what this looked like, so I did an image search from there. When I saw this picture of a grapefruit tree, I was struck with awe and wonder.

What a might God we serve! I know I'm odd to be so stricken by a photo of a common, everyday fruit. But seeing the photo of the clusters of grapefruit hanging from the trees incited in my heart such awe and wonder for my God. How deep is His love for us, How vast beyond all measure! To think, that in God's plan for our lives, (had sin not entered the equation and ruined everything), then as we hungered through our days, we could just leisurely reach just above our heads and be filled with delicious, satisfying foods that would make us healthy, strong, and happy. If God cares that much to give us such delights to simply fill our bellies, how much more does He care to delight our hearts and souls? And even more, scripture ensures us that will not simply fill us with stuff, but with good stuff!

I simply had to take a moment and offer praise to my Savior for the beauty He creates in my life. I am so thankful that the Lord is teaching me, over and over again, to have eyes open to seeing His providence in my life. All the times I wondered, doubted, refused to believe and struggled to make things come together on my own were totally in vain. He has been there, ALL along, providing for my every need. I was just too blind to see all the wonderful ways he was (and is, and will) take care of me.

My God is so good. You've just GOT to get to know Him if you don't already. I promise- you will not regret it.

Lord, thank you so much for your constant provision over my every need. Thank you that you not only fill my emptiness, but you fill me with satisfaction with things that are good. Teach me to continually trust you as you lead me along your paths, that I might reach up along the way and be filled with your provision. You are so good to me, Jesus. Keep my heart fresh with the joy of that truth.

Psalm 103:1-5 " Praise the LORD, my soul;
all my inmost being, praise his holy name.
Praise the LORD, my soul,
and forget not all his benefits—
who forgives all your sins
and heals all your diseases,
who redeems your life from the pit
and crowns you with love and compassion,
who satisfies your desires with good things
so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s. "

Deuteronomy 6:10-11 " When the LORD your God brings you into the land he swore to your fathers, to Abraham, Isaac and Jacob, to give you—a land with large, flourishing cities you did not build, houses filled with all kinds of good things you did not provide, wells you did not dig, and vineyards and olive groves you did not plant—then when you eat and are satisfied."

JUST THE TWO OF US

Psalm 142

After spending most of my life with the Lord, I have seen certain patterns and cycles play out that reveal a lot about who I am, and also about who the Lord is in relation to me. Sometimes I feel as though I'm a dog on the leash with the Lord. I love my master and I want to obey, but inch by inch I slowly eek my way ahead of him and the pace he's got me going at. I want to go ahead, follow my nose and lead us down the path that I choose. But it is when I get to the end of that length of leash that I realize in going too far, I don't get to experience freedom, I just end up choking myself.

I'm not talking about sin patterns here. I'm more just talking about living life, thinking that you are heeling right by the Lord, when in reality, you are slowly inching away from him. One day you look up and realize that he's much farther away than you ever thought and really the only thing that brings you back to him is the fact that your straying has left you feeling tight and choked.

When this happens, I am brought not only to the end of my 'leash', but to the end of myself. And it is in these dead ends of spiritual exhaustion that I am reminded of and comforted by these words, "When my spirit grows faint within me, it is you who know my way." (Pslam 142:3)

I can aimlessly wander, but when I get to the end of myself- it is He who remains steadily walking on the same path that we started on. It is he who remains as I return.

And then, as I come back to walk in step with my master, I recant the words I have said a hundred times before: "Well Lord, here we are again- just you and me." At the end of the day, that's all it ever will be. Regardless of what family, friends and other relationships I have in my life- it is always just him. and. me. And I'm thankful for that. There is a tenderness and security in that which cannot be found in anything on this earth.

Thanking the Lord today that He is steadfast. That He walks the same path that He set out on an eternity ago. And praising Him that no matter how many times I get distracted and wander off- he is always, ALWAYS there, to welcome me home. How great is his love for us- for me!

"Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good; his love endures forever!" Psalm 118:1

Lord, you are so patient and tender with me. Thank you, that no matter what I do, how I forget you or how far I wander- you always wait for me. And thank you, that I can come back to walk in step with you, and find rest in knowing it's just you and me. Forever and always. You are so good to me.

HOW DEEP THE FATHER'S LOVE FOR US

SAY UNCLE!!! (Holding onto God with a death grip)

Genesis 32:22-32

Let me preface today's entry with a disclaimer: I do not profess to fully understand the ways in which God works regarding blessing. I do not hold to the teachings of the prosperity gospel (i.e. the idea that God is Santa Claus and just wants to give you a bunch of 'stuff' to make life for you happy and comfortable.) It is my belief that God doesn't necessarily want us to be primarily happy, but HOLY. However, I do know that God offers blessing upon blessing to those he loves. In fact, a www.biblegateway.com search on the word 'bless' offered 388 findings! James 1:17 says that "Every good and perfect gift is from above." So, as you read today, please don't hear me say that God is at my mercy, being pulled with puppet strings to give me all my 'wants'. That is not what I am aiming to proclaim.

Now, onto today's good stuff.

I grew up in a home with two older brothers. Being the youngest and a girl, it only made perfect sense that I would be mercilessly harassed pretty much all the time. I have many, many memories of being pinned beneath the strong arms of one of the boys and being required to utter words acknowledging their supremacy over me. If I refused to say "Uncle!!", I remained a prisoner of their dominance. Sound familiar to anyone else?

I love, love this passage describing Jacob's struggle with God. First of all, how amazing is it that Jacob was allowed to physically wrestle with the God of the universe? Obviously, God could have overpowered him. But he allowed Jacob to exert all the strength that he could while letting Jacob [likely] feel like just maybe, it was somewhat of a fair match. Which, leads me to believe that maybe God just wanted to see how hard Jacob would try to invest himself in this struggle. Like, how much did Jacob care? Because, you've heard the saying that you can't hate someone you didn't love first. You can't have a vicious, violent argument with someone unless you have deep seeded emotion towards them.

When I came to verse 26 and read "I will not let you go unless you bless me." I thought, 'whoah- pretty bold words there, Jacob! Gettin' a little big for your britches, dontcha think?! How dare you demand such a thing from the Sovereign God?!' But you know what? God did exactly what Jacob asked!

I immediately began thinking about what blessing from God looks like. I know that I do not control God or force him to do as I please. I might 'wrestle' with him. But if for some reason, I do end up on top, with him pinned beneath me, it's only because he humored me enough to let me think I've got a leg up. Similar to running a 'race' with a toddler- as a grown adult you could destroy the kid in a matter of steps, but out of love for them, you let them keep pace with you and ultimately, surrender the win so the kid feels good about themselves. But everyone obviously knows, the toddler cannot actually win against you.

I also thought very much about what it looks and feels like to wrestle and revisited my childhood memories. And God reminded me: you cannot wrestle with someone you are not holding onto for dear life. If your grip is not a death grip- you are not wrestling at all. And in this section of scripture, why does it say God blessed Jacob? Because he struggled with God. This so encouraged me to keep up the faith, keep up the fight and HOLD ON for dear life. Struggles can sometimes be ugly, but you cannot, cannot let go- or you lose everything.

I do not know the specifics of what God can and will bless me with in this life. There are things I hope for, but don't necessarily feel as though He has promised them to me. But there is one thing I know, that I know, that I know that He has promised me with: HIMSELF. He has promised to be my portion, to be enough for me, always be with me, to never leave me or forget me.

After reading this scripture, I am choosing to continue struggling with God, to hold onto him with a death grip- shouting "But you promised!!!" and "I'm not letting go!".

While I will continue to ask my heavenly father for particular blessings, I know, in the deepest depths of my heart- that there is no blessing greater than the opportunity to know Him on an intimate level.

Oh Lord, forgive me for the moments where I begrudge you for having me struggle with you. And thank you for using the struggle to bless me. Thank you for giving me eyes to see that in the wrestling match, my prize is that I get to hold on to you for dear life. While I pray for your providence and your tangible blessings in my life, I pray that you would keep my heart rooted in the real prize: intimacy with you. Thank you for hearing me, loving me and never, ever forsaking me. I love you, Lord.

Romans 9:13 "Jacob I have loved...."

Hebrews 10:23 "Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful."

WHAT'S YOUR SONG?

Psalms 40

Come thou Fount of every blessing,

tune my heart to sing thy grace;

streams of mercy, never ceasing,

call for songs of loudest praise.

Teach me some melodious sonnet,

sung by flaming tongues above.

Praise the mount! I'm fixed upon it,

mount of thy redeeming love.

"He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and the mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God."

The bible talks an awful lot about the things that come out of our mouth. There are far too many scriptures to reference in this short blog, but for starters, check out what James 3 has to say about the use of our mouth. It is with our mouth that we vent our frustrations, shout for joy at victory, quietly curse the driver in front of us, utter our prayers before God and, also, sing our praises to him.

Reading Psalm 40 verse 3 today, I was struck by the word new. Why did the pslamist need a new song? To say he was in need of a new song implies that he already had a song, but it was old and worn out. What was his song about? The 'new song' verse is preceded with mention of his life of despair. (The words 'slimy pit', 'mud' and 'mire' all paint this picture.) I can only imagine that the chorus to the old song was likely very "Woe is me♪♬". While God put a new song in his mouth that was "a hymn of praise to our God."

In light of this, I have no choice but to look at myself and examine what song song I am singing. Am I using my mouth to sing a song of frustration, complaining or even pitifully singing a "Woe is me" lullaby to myself? (All of which 'songs', I might add, are self-focused, not God-focused.) OR am I leaning on the Lord and allowing Him to put a new song in my mouth; a song of praise to him? If I continue to choose the former songs to sing, then Lord have mercy on me. For, "out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks." (Luke 6:45). If all I have to sing about is the woeful things that weigh on my heart and mind, then it's time for a sobering heart check.

My prayer today, for me and for you is that we prayerfully consider what is the 'abundance' of our hearts and then ask God to give us a new song, one that brings praise to him and sets our hearts' focus on who he is and what he has done.

Oh Lord, you are so merciful and so faithful. While I constantly turn back and turn inward, focusing on myself and groaning with self pity and complaint, Lord- you are so faithful to replace my muddiness with the beautiful songs of your praise. Lord, be not far from me today as I cling to you to give me songs of joy, peace and praise to you. Let me sing a song of adoration, with my gaze fixed firmly on you.

Hebrews 12:2 "Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith..." (NIV)

Proverbs 23:7 "For as a man thinketh within himself, so is he...." (ASV)

Psalm 32:7 "You are my hiding place; you will protect me from trouble and surround me with songs of deliverance."

I adore old hymns and this one is one of my favorites. Please have a listen..... Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing.

He Has Made Me Glad

1 Samuel 1

Elements of a story I just read: a love triangle, the tragedy of a barren woman, spiteful cattiness between rival women, bitter weeping, 'craziness', healing (of hearts), miracles, and somehow, a happy ending. Um, is this a soap opera? No, it would be 1 Samuel chapter 1. I'm not going to give any more details of this chapter. It is such a juicy chunk of scripture, you simply must read it for yourself. Go ahead. Do it now. I highly suggest you do your homework for this one, because there may or may not be a pop quiz on the reading today. I'm just sayin'. (The text can be accessed using the link at the top of this post, it's pretty simple.)

Ok, now that you've done your reading, I've got a few questions for you coming away from reading 1 Samuel 1.

Q1. Who is your taunter?

Q2. What does he say?

Q3. What are you believing God for in prayer?

Q4. When was the last time, like Hannah, you poured out your heart to the Lord? (Psalm 62:8)

If you're stuck pondering the answers to the questions, no worries, I've prepared a cheat sheet.

A1. The Devil. Satan. Lucifer. Call him what you want, but ultimately, he's the 'taunter' of us all. (John 8:44)

A2. You can't trust God. He won't do what he said and/or he won't do what's good for you. (Genesis 3:1-5)

A3. I can't answer this one for you, it's different for all of us and most likely evolves as we journey through this life.

A4. Again, only you know the answer to this one, but if it hasn't been recently, I encourage you to ask God to break open the floodgates in your heart so that you might be able to pour out on him the deepest, truest thoughts/feelings/fears in your heart. He can handle it.

While I thoroughly enjoyed reading this chapter in it's entirety, my absolute favorite verse was 18, "...Then she went her way and ate something and her face was no longer downcast." Doesn't sound like much, until you consider the reality sandwiched around this seemingly superfluous detail. Hannah was in desperate need. She chose to pour out her heart to God. She pleaded with him, petitioning his merciful power to meet her needs. Then, just like that, she was no longer sad. Sure, it was a choice she made. But it wasn't a choice based on her circumstances, or on blessings poured out on her. Her choice was based, in faith, on the unchanging God. She could choose to be glad, because she knew he could be trusted.

I already said it, but I will say it again. If you have not poured out your heart to God recently, Psalm 62:8 style, you're just hurting yourself. It is so often, in this emptying out before him, that he shows up with the gift of faith that is enough to hold fast. Enough to make you glad.

*BONUS QUESTION*
Have you chosen to BELIEVE the word of the Lord and then, therefore, choose to 'no longer be sad'? If not, then I encourage you to not wait on your circumstances, but be encouraged by believing in faith. Stand firm on the promises of his faithfulness. He is faithful.

(Note: Hannah didn't decide to 'no longer be sad' once she became pregnant, but once she believed in the Lord's goodness and faithfulness to come through on His promise to her. It was a response to her faith.)

Lord, you are so good to me. You are faithful and you can be trusted. You are the strength of my heart and my portion. I will trust in you. Because you hear my prayers and care deeply for me, I will choose to be glad. Let me bless you with praise from my mouth and worship from my heart. I love you, Lord.

Psalm 21:6
Surely you have granted him unending blessings and made him glad with the joy of your presence.
Psalm 31:7
I will be glad and rejoice in your love, for you saw my affliction and knew the anguish of my soul.

**Give an ear to this beautiful worship song by Hillsong, "Made Me Glad"

HEALING IN THE WORD

Psalm 107

I recently began a new small group with some sisters in Christ and we had a lengthy discussion about accountability, prayer and confession. So often, we are so afraid to admit to others our weaknesses and failings, but 1 John reminds us that "If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness." (1 John 1:8-9) and James 5:16 says "Therefore, confess your sins to each other so that you may be healed."

We don't often think about our need for healing as much as we think about our 'needs' in general. For example, I pray more frequently than I would like to admit about my 'need' for success in work, a mate to partner with, comfort in my circumstances and ease for the goings on of my day ('Lord, help me to have a good day.') And while I do ask for forgiveness, I think my heart is often positioned more towards the need for cleansing than healing. What I'm considering now is the biblical relationship between forgiveness-cleansing-healing.

I will also admit, I am very much an avid practicer of Psalm 62:8 "...POUR out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge.". Being that I am a private person that is not often comfortable wearing my heart on my sleeve or sharing my emotions with other people, I treasure that I can pour my heart out on God. He is a place where I can do my verbal 'dumpings'. Sometimes I am torn about these emotional avalanches that cascade out of my heart and onto the shoulders of God. I think maybe I shouldn't be so focused on praying out my 'feelings' to God and rather, it would be more spiritually mature to be praying something more noble; to have a heart like his, to pray for the lost, to meditate on his word, etc.

I was comforted today when I read Psalm 107 that not only is it okay for me to cry out in emotional distress, but in doing so, I will find the healing that I so desperately need (whether I realized I'm in need of healing or not.) v. 19-20 "Then they cried to the Lord in their trouble, and he saved them from their distress. He sent forth his word and healed them; he rescued them from the grave."

Break it down now: 1. Cry out. I.E. my verbal dumpings/avalanche of emotions

2. Be healed. Not just be listened to or be comforted but be healed.

What struck me most about this verse was how the Lord says he will heal you. By changing your circumstances? By taking away painful things in your life? By giving you a tougher skin against adversity?

By. His. Word.

Based on scripture, I know at least two things about his Word.

GOD'S WORD IS

Powerful "The Word of God is living and active, sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart." (Hebrews 4:12) and John

Eternally Jesus "In the beginning was the Word and the Word was with God and the Word was God." (John 1:1)

In light of all this, thanking God today for this little nugget: "Your word, O Lord, is eternal; it stands firm in the heavens." (Psalm 119:89)

Thank you Lord, that you are a refuge for the mess that is my heart. Thank you that you are big enough to handle my emotional dumpings. And thank you, Lord, that through your unchanging nature, you offer me healing that I so desperately need. Your spirit is a tall drink of water to my thirsty soul. I pray, Lord, that you keep inscribing your word onto my heart as on to stone tablets. Let me not forget the word you've offered me, but cling to it in faith that what you have said is already done. You are my portion, and I will find my joy in you. I love you, Lord.

Sabbatical??

My blogs have been noticeably absent in the last 8-9 months. For those of you who faithfully check in on this blog, I a) So appreciate and am so encouraged by the fact that you are even interested in what is written here; and b) Am sorry that I haven't been actively sharing with you what the Lord has been teaching me. I knew, when I started writing this blog, that it would be a system of self-accountability. If I hadn't written, then it would be obvious that I hadn't been lending my ear to the Teacher long enough (or intentionally enough) to really grasp what He was saying to me. And therefore, would be encouraged to stay walking in the Word, so I'd have much to report here. That being said, I will (sadly) admit that I have not studied the Word with as much voraciousness in the most recent months as I have at some other times in my life. But, nevertheless, the Lord has still been teaching me many things over these past months.

All that to say- I'm back. :) With great conviction and a real hunger. Not just to study God's word, but rather, to let the Word read my heart. As I reflect on my walk, I realize I have been all too comfortable reading the Bible for the purpose of studying to gain knowledge and understanding. While knowledge and understanding of His truth is good, I feel Him leading me even deeper than that. Time for me sit still and quietly, and meditate on the things He has written on my heart.

"But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart." Luke 2:14

Lord, Thank you that you wait patiently for me to slow down enough hear you. Thank you, compassionate Father, that the greatest treasure is not in understanding your word, but in knowing you and the depths of your heart. Thank you, for writing your truths into my heart. And thank you Jesus, that you are patient with me while I ponder these things as you open my eyes to the precious Glory of your Spirit in me.

EVEN JESUS HAD TO WAIT

John 2:4 " 'My dear woman, why do you involve me?' Jesus replied. 'My time has not yet come.'"


"In the beginning was the Word, and Word was with God, and the Word was God. He was with God in the beginning. Through him all things were made; without him, nothing was made that has been made." (John 1:1-3)

Here, 'The Word' = Jesus, the diety, the son of the Trinity. Jesus, the Word, has been around since before the beginning of time. And, all that time, Jesus was, and is, God. Time is a funny thing. A minute feels like a year when you are anxious; when joyful, a year feels like a minute. I am bound by time that seems to constantly change shape depending on my circumstances. And when I feel as though I'm waiting on my turn for the next steps in my life, time. just. seems. to. d r a g. In the selfish pride of my flesh, I feel above the need to wait. I feel as though, if I am destined for something; be it a job, a relationship, a new home or car- then of course, I must deserve it now rather than later. I feel certain that I am not alone in this feeling of entitlement.

Jesus was 30 years old before he began his earthly ministry. Jesus, the God-man himself who was around before we could fathom the idea of time, walked this earth for 30 years in waiting. He knew of his destiny and his ministry before he was conceived in Mary's womb. He knew of it as a young boy, sitting at the feet of the rabbis in the temple. He knew of it as a young man as he trained to be a carpenter. And yet, even still, when his mother called him to use his divine power to act, he responded with "My time has not yet come." Even though he knew what his purpose and his plan was, he still had to wait. God had to wait!!

What do you feel you're waiting on?

Are you waiting with anxiety as you pace around in circles in your heart until the time comes?
Are you waiting with an indignant heart that feels you deserve more than this seemingly useless time on the sidelines?

OR

Are you waiting, in perfect peace, on the Lord, who is both sovereign and good?

I must confess that I often do not wait very well. Most of the time, I wait anxiously, with fear that my time will never come. My prayer, is that I will wait, not on my next circumstances to finally arrive. Rather, that I will wait, spending my time sitting at the feet of the Lord, simply resting in his presence. I pray that he will use my time on the sidelines not as a time to continually shout "Put me in, coach! I'm ready! Put me in-- I know I can play!", but as a time that I study the skills of those on the field, to focus in on the wisdom and leading of the coach--- basically, that I use my time of preparation to actually prepare. And regardless of whether or not I ever get to play, I will know that God is still good.

Lord, thank you for the example you've given me in Jesus. When I need to grow in humility, please reveal to me the pride of my heart that feels entitled to be blessed with a next step, even though you have called me to wait. You are good and what you do is good. Teach me to wait on YOU.

Psalm 27.14 "Wait for the Lord. Be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord."
Psalm 130:5-6 "I wait for the Lord, m soul waits, and in his word I put my hope. My soul waits for the Lord more than watchmen wait for the morning, more than watchmen wait for the morning."
Isaiah 26:8 "Yes, Lord, walking in the way of your laws, we wait for you; your name and renown are the desire of our hearts."
Isaiah 30:18 "Yes the Lord longs to be gracious to you; he rises to show you compassion. For the Lord is a God of justice. Blessed are all who wait for him!"
Isaiah 64:4 "Since the ancient times no one has heard, no ear had perceived, no eye has seen any God besides you, who acts on behalf of those who wait for him."

STAND FIRM!

Verse: 2 Thessalonians 2:15 "So then, brothers, stand firm and hold to the teachings we passed on to you, whether by mouth or letter."

What are the teachings passed on to you? Some teachings we get from our upbringing, some from our culture, some from hard life lessons, some from the pulpit. I encourage you to be still, or as the NASB bible says 'cease striving' (Psalm 46:10) and ponder the 'teachings' the Lord has spoken to your heart. When I read this verse, the Lord used it to empower me with his Spirit to hold fast to all the things that his scripture, his heart, and his voice have taught me. In response to this, I wrote out a list of things that He has called me to 'stand firm' in. Read over mine, and then I encourage you to make a list of your own. Regardless of the whether the content of our lists is the same, we both know that you have plenty to put on your list. The Lord calls all of us to general things (love your neighbor as yourself, etc) but he also speaks specific things to each one of us. Listen to what he has said in your heart, what has at one point or another been in your gut and in in your spirit and STAND FIRM, by the power of the Holy Spirit ("which is not a spirit of fear, but of love, of power and of self control" 2 Timothy 1:7 NLT)

God has said to me, Bethany:
STAND FIRM on his promise to be enough. (Psalm 73:25-26)
STAND FIRM on the work he has already done to set my heart free. (Psalm 119:32)
STAND FIRM on the truth that he won't let me fall or let me go. (Psalm 37:23-24, Genesis 28:15)
STAND FIRM on the truth that he's always with you. (Hebrews 13:5)
STAND FIRM on the power of his Holy Spirit to strengthen you- to take your thoughts captive and submit them to him. (2 Corinthians 10:4-6)
STAND FIRM on his call to obedience in purity, righteousness, diligence and discipline. (1 Timothy 4:12, Ephesians 4:1, 1 Timothy 4:7-8, Hebrews 12:1)
STAND FIRM on HIM-- He is your stable refuge in this constantly wavering world (Psalm 18:2)

Thank you Lord that you are faithful to speak these things specifically to me. You love me enough to call me directly by name. And Lord, thank you for the truth, that if you call, you will be faithful to supply my need to do what you have asked of me. You are good and you are faithful. I will trust you as you call me to stand firm in your calls to obedience. I love you, Lord.

BEING KNOWN

Since I have been a christian virtually all my life, (even if at times only in profession, rather than relationship and action) I have pursued knowing God for most of my life. Since I have an understanding about who God is, what his word says and general principles about how he operates, I have felt, for a long time, that I have 'known' God. While this is true that I know him, I am realizing now that there are so many more layers to the depths of knowledge of him. As I write this even now, I think about people that I 'know': I 'know' the guy who lives two doors down from me-- we say hello when we pass by in the morning. I 'know' my boss at work, we talk everyday. I 'know' my pastor at church- although we have only spoken face to face once. I 'know' my best friend since elementary school. I 'know' my brothers, sister and parents. And, I 'know' myself. Lots of different ways to 'know' someone, right? I'm learning now, that relationship with God isn't about 'knowing' him as we are used to knowing people. What God is teaching me today, is that they only way I can know him (beyond the way I 'know' my neighbor and my boss) is in being known by him.

Picture a 90 year old woman who is an invalid. She must be spoon fed, she must be dressed by someone, she must be pushed around in a wheelchair, she must even be bathed, completey naked, by another person--- she is incapable of doing any of these things for herself. Picture now, that I am that invalid old woman. The Lord, in his tenderness, is showing me, that even in my most simple of needs, I am incapable of caring for myself. I cannot feed myself, he must. I cannot direct my own 'steps' in my wheelchair, he must guide and propel me. And, as much as I resist and dislike being completely bare naked before him to get my bath-- there is an unbelievably sweet comfort in doing so. With the precision with which feeds me, the careful care he takes in guiding me, and the tender respect with which he bathes me, in my utter nakedness, I KNOW that he loves me. It's in being bare before him, with him seeing all, knowing all, and doing all that I can know his heart for me. He cares for me tenderly because he loves me. In my infirmities and the needs they cause, it is HE who cares for me. When I am too weak to pick up my spoon and feed myself, it is He who feeds me. When I am too frail to stand from my wheelchair, it is He who carries me into the bed. It is HE who meets all my needs and is with me every moment awaiting readily. He knows my every need and exactly the moment I need it. I've never known a love so sweet. I've never known my Lord so well. And the sweetest part is, this is only the beginning! He has all of eternity to show me more and more of who he is. My lesson today? Just let go, get undressed and get in the tub. He loves me enough for it to be ok. That's the Jesus I know.

Lord, there is so much peace in comfort in being known. Your word says you have searched me and you know me. You know all my ways, all my thoughts, all my actions even before they are. And yet, you still love me. I cannot fathom your love for me. But, I know that it is true, and it is for me. Thank you, sweet Jesus, my savior and king, that you love me with such a complete tenderness. You are the lover of my soul. I am so glad that I am yours.


VIDEO/SONG: "Psalm 139 (You are there)" by Mercy Me

Romans 5:8 "But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us."
John 3:16 "But God so loved the world [you and me], that he gave his only son, that we might not perish, but have everlasting life."
Zephaniah 3:17 "The Lord your God is with you, he mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing."
Deuteronomy 14:2 "The Lord chose YOU to be his treasure possesion."

RESPONSE ATTACK

THE DEVIL ATTACKS US CONSTANTLY...COUNTER THE ATTACKS OF HIS LIES WITH THE ULTIMATE WEAPON OF GOD'S UNCHANGING TRUTH.

To be very candid, I must admit a current struggle I'm going through in order to communicate what the Lord is speaking to me on it. It is common knowledge that most people desire to find a mate, with women being especially preoccupied with impending marriage. As I cross another birthday (ripe old age of 28!) and watch many of my friends (who are younger than me, I might add) step into marriage, I admittedly struggle with my own marital fate. I trust the Lord. I trust in his plan for me. But, like so many christians, if not all, my head is at odds with my heart. My head tells me that God has a "good, pleasing, and perfect will for me" and that he "has plans to prosper me and not to harm me" but my heart seems to bellow within me the repetitive "when?!" and "Will you actually do what you say?!" Even as I write those words my heart has been speaking, I have to own up to the similarity I see between my own question and the very first lie ever told to humans by the devil, which is: "Did God actually say...?" (Genesis 3:1)

As I have been bringing this struggle to the Lord, he has been showing me where my struggle has very little to do with marriage, singleness and/or trusting Him. On the contrary, my struggle is about being manipulated by lies instead of resting in His Truth. As an exercise in recognizing this battle being waged within me, I made a chart comparing and contrasting the lies I was believing from the devil to the Truth of God's unchanging word.

DEVIL’S LIES	GOD’S TRUTH
God won’t provide a husband for me.	God is Jehovah Jireh, which means, “the Lord will provide” (Genesis 22:14)
God has forgotten me.	Zephaniah 3:17 says “The Lord your God is with you, He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing.” If this is how God loves me, with such great delight, with me as his treasure—then he will surely not simply ‘forget’ me.
He alone is not enough.	It’s not that he doesn’t love me enough, it’s that he IS enough. Marriage, a husband, a family will not fulfill me; He will. Psalm 73:25-26 says that HE is my portion, HE will fill me and be enough for me. “Whom have I in heaven but you? And earth has nothing I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.”
He doesn’t love me enough to bless me with marriage.	1 Peter 5:8, John 8:44 and John 10:10 all tell us that the Devil is an outright liar who is dead-set on devouring and destroying me. Whatever the devil is speaking to me is complete and total garbage and in direct opposition to the goodness of God’s Truth. God tells me to recognize the devil’s lies and hold them up against His Truth---- they won’t hold up.

I encourage you to ask God to show you where you are believing the Father of Lies instead of God's holy and unchanging truth. The devil came to destroy me and you. He is a manipulator and deciever. Pray for God's protection and power as you strive to hold fast to His promises. God alone is faithful.

Lord, thank you for your faithfulness. And thank you for opening my eyes to see where I am being gnawed at by the deceitfulness of the devil. My desire is to set me feet upon the Rock. Please keep me bound to you and your Truth alone.

Ephesians 6:10-12 "Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. For our struggle is not against the flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the forces of evil in the heavenly realms."

GOD, SPEAK TO ME! WAIT, NO-- PLEASE HUSH!

Isaiah 40:8
"The grass withers and the flowers fail, but the word of our God stands firm forever."

I have become all too familiar with God's voice, especially when it comes to him saying 'no' to me. I have my plans, I have my ideas. I bounce my important decisions off of people who can give me wise godly counsel. But regardless if all those things line up to say 'yes' to me going forward with something, God can still say no. I have learned that I don't have to know why his 'no' is 'no'. I don't have to know his reasons. Scripture tells me this about God's plans: "But they do not know the thoughts of the Lord; they do not understand his plan" (Micah 4:12) and "the plans of the Lord stand firm forever" (Psalm 33:11) So I know this: the Lord has a plan and I will likely not understand it. Oftentimes, his plans will not make sense to us. But, I also have learned that I must say yes to him when he speaks to me.

I have very recently, in a real and tangible way heard the Lord's voice to me saying 'no' in my heart. I had plans to move in with a good christian friend of mine. I had prayed for months for a roommate, had thoughtfully discussed and planned with her about our living together, and we included other christian friends in helping us come to a conclusion about our decision. All signs pointed to 'yes' from what we could see. As the day drew nearer and we began to draw up paperwork for our lease, the voice of the Lord began screaming in my heart. I got no explanation, no reasoning, no understanding for why this could not come to fruition. I just knew I was hearing God say 'no' to taking this step. Since I have learned, from rather painful experiences, that it is always best to answer in obedience to God's call, I went through the uncomfortable and uncertain steps of following him in faith. While my friend was very gracious about the obedience I had to offer the Lord in these moments, I still had much frustration for why it seemed he was making things so difficult for me in this process. But I chose to trust and obey anyway.

My first instinct in hearing 'no' is to stamp my foot and whine like a three year old. While instead, I should rejoice in his 'no' because it means two things: 1) He is protecting me from something. It might be a dangerous situation, it might be a left turn where it would be best to go right, it might just be protection from myself. And 2) Even if I don't like what he's saying, he is choosing to speak to me, to guide me, to lead me in the steps of his will. And isn't that what I've been praying and asking him to do for so long?

While scripture says that we don't have to know the plans of the Lord, sometimes, we are blessed to get a peek at what he is working. In just a matter of weeks after breaking plans with my roommate in response to the Lord's call of no, I made a sudden decision to move cities entirely. This was not something that had been on my radar even a little bit, but I something I felt a lot of peace in pursuing. On the heels of making this decision to uproot my life and move home near my family, I was able to see how God's 'no' to pursuing living with my friend was just a stepping stone into the next phase of my life he had planned for me. Had I ignored his call, I would have a big mess to clean up and get out of right now as I make my next steps in life. But because I chose to trust and obey, my next steps will be easy and largely effortless. Thank you Jesus that "If the Lord delights in a man's way, he makes his steps firm; though he stumble, he will not fall, for the Lord upholds him with his hand." (Psalm 37:23-24) Because you delight in my way [meaning my heart desires you, your glory,power and honor] you will not let me fall. I praise God for the ways even his 'no' is an act of him upholding me with his right hand and keeping me from falling and failing.

Forgive me for having such little faith that my knee-jerk reaction is to whine and pout instead of rejoicing with thanksgiving that you love me enough to guide and protect me. Thank you, Father, that your 'no' is always a protection that is keeping right in your plan-- your good, pleasing and perfect plan for me. Give me eyes to see your 'no' as faithful love to me and give me a heart that rejoices in that pruning.

SPIRITUAL REST, Part 2

Todays' Read: Matthew 11:25-30

Before even doing the search on 'rest', I knew one thing God had to say about rest was this: "Come to me all who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." (Matthew 11:29-30)

When I hear the phrase 'take my yoke, my burden' I am initially hesitant to want to obey that command from Jesus. Burdens, as I know them, are never easy and never light. A burden is called a burden for a reason. In addition, when I hear 'take mine' I immediately think "But I've already got my own load! How am I supposed to also carry yours? There's no more room on my back! My hands are all tied up!" For the first time in my life, I feel the Lord has given me some insight on this verse and this idea.

Jesus never meant for us to carry our own burdens AND his. The reality is that everyone has a burden, or a load to carry. In modern terms, let's call it a backpack--- we all have a backpack. When Jesus tells us to take his 'backpack', he never meant for us to wear two backpacks at once. It's actually impossible. Rather, he meant for us to exchange our backpack for his. What's in my backpack? The weight of loneliness, the burden of fear, the heaviness of uncertainty. In his? The freedom of joy, peace, fulfillment and purpose. Which backpack would you rather carry? Jesus', obviously. Me too.

Taking his yoke doesn't mean picking something else up, it means exchanging your weight for his. Got a heavy backpack? Jesus says "Mine only has a feather light load in it.... take mine instead." Don't like the food you ordered? Jesus says "Here, mine's delicious and satisfying, take mine instead." Lost on the road of life because your version of the map has no compass or key? Jesus says "Here, I know the route by heart, take mine instead--- it has all the directions."

When Jesus says "take mine", He doesn't mean to take his in addition to yours, but rather, take his INSTEAD of yours.

Jesus, thank you that I can unload at your feet and exchange my weight for your joy. When out of stubborn pride and foolishness I reach to put on my own backpack again, I pray that you remind me of the joy in exchanging my load for yours. Thank you for bearing the weight of my brokenness. Thank you for your finished work on the cross that affords me this easy yoke of joy and peace. You are so unbelievably merciful and good to me.

SPIRITUAL REST, PART 1

Leviticus 16:31

"It is a sabbath of rest, and you must deny yourselves; it is a lasting ordinance."

I have grown increasingly busy over the last several months. While most, if not all, of the things keeping me busy are things that a) I chose to take on of my own accord, and b) are purposeful and not frivolent in nature. That is to say I'm not busy as a social butterfly is busy, but mostly in commitments to my growing in my career and even more with my church body. As I have sustained such a busy schedule for some time now, I have simultaneously been running lower and lower on steam. About a week and a half ago, I petered out entirely. Now, what this 'petering out' looked like for me was a total emotional meltdown where I burst into tears at work from all the pressure and stress I was feeling from being stretched so thin. As the dust settled from my total conniption fit, I realized that I needed some rest on many levels. If I was going to find it, I needed to see what God had to say about rest. One of my favorite things to do in studying the word is to do what I call a 'word study'. All this means is I type a keyword into www.biblegateway.com and then review all the scriptures that matched the search. When I searched 'rest' the result was literally almost 500 verses. Clearly, God had a lot to say about rest.

It was when I read Leviticus 16:31 that God spoke to me. He didn't whisper, he didn't hint. He might as well have slapped me on the forehead with the bible. The reason that I had become so utterly exhausted was because of my self idolatry. I had chosen, over the last few months, to allow myself back onto the throne seat. I had become most important in my life as a default that I had neglected him. My daily concern was more about what I could accomplish in a day, a week, a month than it was about just meeting with him and being still before him. I have been pursuing accomplishing things that are 'good' and 'honorable'. But the bottom line, is I don't accomplish anything. And I am learning firsthand that when I try to accomplish things in my flesh that were meant for the Lord to accomplish through me, I will become utterly exhausted. It was in reading Leviticus 16:31 that God spoke to me of my own self idolatry. In my efforts to do what he has led me to do, but to do it in my own 'power', it was as if I was saying "Ok God, I'll do what you told me, but I don't need you. I'm good enough to get it accomplished on my own." God had a different message for me. His message was a reminder that if I think I can do it without him, I am elevating myself above him, which is, in fact, idolatry. Webster's online dictionary says this about idolatry: excessive attachment or veneration for anything; respect or love which borders on adoration. By denying my need for him to accomplish all that I had to accomplish, I was having 'excessive veneration and respect' for myself over him. Leviticus 16:31 told me that I need not deny him, but I need to deny myself. In denying myself, I will find the rest that I so desperately need.

Thank you, Lord, that you allow me a place of rest. It is in dying to myself, in choosing not to war with my flesh within me, but rather, surrender to you in my heart, that I find the rest that you intend. Thank you Lord, that when I find myself in you, I find rest. You are so good to me.

Psalm 23:2-3 "He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he restores my soul. He guides me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake."

AN HONEST, IF IRREVERENT PRAYER

I know it might seem unbearably personal, but I want to share this prayer with you. I know that feeling alone, powerless and disappointed are feelings that most, if not all, believers will experience at some point in their lives. I don't mean to be irreverent to the Lord by asking and saying such bold things. But scripture does give us the freedom to "come boldly before the throne of grace, that we may find grace and obtain mercy in our time of need." (Hebrews 4:16 NKJV). And, it also tells us to 'pour out our hearts to him' (Psalm 62:8). It doesn't say to pour out just the parts that are pretty or pleasant. It says to pour out our hearts. Now, I don't know about you, but my heart has a LOT of stuff in it. Some of it is kind of nice and good. However, a lot of it.... not so much.

I have been going through a season of my life where I feel as though I have gone out on a limb in trusting the Lord with my life in it's entirety. I am struggling now with trusting him with that ultimate control of my life. As I'm fumbling around, trying to deal with my struggles in my own power, I cried out to the Lord, from the deepest depths of my heart, in a prayer tonight.

Although it is quite intimidating to share such an intimate thing, I want to share this prayer with you. I suppose I want you to know, that even in my struggles, even in my season of doubt and distrust, I know what the Lord says. I know his word to be true. We will likely all go through these seasons, but praise the Lord that "The faithful love of the Lord never ends! His mercies never cease. Great is his faithfulness; his mercies begin afresh each morning." (Lamentations 3:22-23 NLT) Because of this, I believe, he allows mercy for our doubts, our fears, our frustrations born of small faith. I don't like being in a place where I doubt him. But I praise him with all thankfulness and glory to him that he provides me that mercy to walk in that is renewed each day. Man, I sure do love my Lord.

Here is the prayer I wrote to him tonight:
Sunday, May 2, 2010

I have to admit, Lord, I'm quite angry with you. I know my anger is unrighteous, self-righteous, and inherently evil. But your word tells me to pour out my heart to you. I am here to pour myself out before you. I don't often know what to say. I don't even know that I can articulate what I'm feeling. I will start with what I do know and just share my heart with you. My heart, after all, is yours--- you might as well know what's inside.

I am so angry. I just want to hit something. I want to go before you and scream. I know that you have every good right to strike me dead before you for my irreverent display of immature faithlessness. I can't say that I hate you. I hate where you have me. I hate how I feel. But I fear you enough to never say that I hate you. I do want to say 'why?', though. Why do you have me hurting like this? Why do you have me feeling SO ALONE? I feel so, so empty, pale and dark. I feel empty yet so burdened. I feel the weight of the world is crushing my shell of a soul. Why do I have to hurt like this? Am I not 'getting' something? Why does my frail heart have to endure this deep of a wound? Why does the tenderness in my heart have to bear this burden of loneliness?

I am angry at you. I am angry because I know it is in your power to act. You could pull me from this in this very instant. You could fix my heart. You could lift the burden. You could fill the emptiness and repair the festering wounds. But you sit silent. And the only words you speak are 'no'.

I wish I was a Job; one who was 'crushed' but never curses you. I know that's who I should be. But my faith is apparently so small. I just hurt so much.

Your word tells me that you give and take away. All I see you do is take away. Take. Take. Take. I know it is all rightfully yours. But Lord, don't you have some compassion for me? Doesn't your heart hurt for me like it did for Mary and Martha? Don't you love me? Don't you want to heal me? Don't you want to be merciful to me? Where are you?

I can't do it. I can't stay like this. I can't be filled with this hurt, bitterness, anger and disappointment. I can't have a life like this. I just want to be taken away. I just want to be away from this world. It is too much right now. I can't bear it.

So, I quietly drum through my day like a robot. No purpose, no passion, no heart. How can I give my heart to my 'purpose' here when I feel as though my heart has been stolen from me. It has disappeared into oblivion. Where my heart has gone, I don't know. All I know is the burning wounds it's absence has left behind.

I don't want to be filled with hate. I don't want to be angry at you. I NEED you. I need you to hear me. I need you to act. I need you to be ENOUGH for me. Won't you be what you promised to be? Hear me now, Lord! I can't do this on my own. I can't bear this weight of my own broken heart. My heart is broken within me. How did it break? I don't know. But I know that YOU are the only one who can fix it. Please, Lord, have mercy on me now. Have mercy on my weak, weak soul. I'm just wasting away.

Forgive me, Jesus. Forgive me for my weak and miserable faith. I am not worthy of your mercy. I, in my irreverence, don't deserve your kindness. My faith is much too small to comprehend your goodness. I cannot fathom it, but I know it to be true. Your word says it is IMPOSSIBLE for you to lie. Please teach me to believe your promises. And Lord, forgive me. Forgive me for not trusting you. Forgive me for making a god out of so many things born of my own flesh. Forgive me for making an idol of marriage, of relationship, of love, of my own comfort. Forgive me for placing my own desires on the altar. Forgive me, Lord. I don't deserve your mercy.

Be merciful to me now, Lord. Come to me. Hear me. Hear and act. Heal me now. Meet me in my darkest hour. Carry me. Carry this burden now. Carry this burden and let YOUR NAME be glorified. Let YOUR renown be known because your mercy to me in this burden of hopelessness.

I do love you. I can't run from you. I know I can't escape you and I fear that now. Teach me to find comfort in that. Teach me to rest in knowing that I don't have to run, except to you. Teach me to let you be my refuge. And forgive me for refusing to let you be my Lord. I'm not worthy of you. Thank you for not leaving me now. I don't even know how to say how much I need you. I need you, I need you, I need you. Please Lord, be mine. Don't ever let me be mine. I am not my own, I am yours.

Unless a kernel of wheat dies, it can never bear new life. The new life I bear Lord, I bear in you. Teach me to die to myself and find joy in it. Teach me to find comfort and thanksgiving in dying to myself in exchange for your glory and ABUNDANCE.

I don't even know what to say.

I am yours.

Bethany


I encourage you, wherever you are in your life right now, pour out your heart to him. He is enough for you.(Psalm 73:25-26)

WAIT, NOT WHY!

Today's Read:

Romans 11:33-36

"Oh, the depth of the riches of the wisdom

and knowledge of God!

How undsearchable his judgements,

and his paths beyond tracing out!

Who has known the mind of the Lord?

Or who has been his counselor?

Who has ever given to God,

that God should repay him?

For from him and through him and to him are all things.

To him be the glory forever! Amen."

This post is almost a continuation of the previous post. The Lord has really been teaching me lately how to wait on him and trust him, in many areas of my life. I have had to wait on him to lead my in some career decisions, in opportunities to love and serve his people, and on the fruition of friendships and other relationships in my life. Most importantly, though, I've been waiting for him to reveal himself to me continually in a deeper way. When he gives me these revelations, all the other issues of waiting are dimmed in light of knowing him more intimately. He has been teaching me, that when my eyes are fixed on the "author and perfecter of my faith" (Hebrews 12:2) then my perspective changes from asking questions of 'why?!' and shift to still ponderings of simply who He is. When I'm shown more of who he is, I find it simple to say "Do to me what you will." After all, his "ways are higher than my ways and his thoughts are higher than my ways" (Isaiah 55:9).

The reality is, for me (and for all people, really) that I have a plan for myself. I have planned in my heart the major thoroughfares my life will proceed down, and I have small daily plans for how I will spend my moments in the here and now. Even when I don't think I'm planning the outcome of my days, I am. I am learning more and more to relinquish my plans, both big and small, for HIS. He 'has a plan for me, a plan to prosper me, not to harm me but to give me a future and a hope." (Jeremiah 29:11) I will find rest for my heart when I stop seeking my plans and acknowledge that 'YOU are God, and I am not. YOU are enough for me, even if you do not fulfill the plans I have for myself.' The beauty, joy, hope, peace, and freedom that is found in surrendering to that truth is irresistible.

Lord, you have promised to be enough for me. I trust you to be faithful in that. That means, that even when my plans fail or are simply left unfulfilled, that you will be enough for me. You will fulfill me. You will give me rest. You will be my place of rest. I praise you for your faithfulness in being enough for me. And I pray that my temptation to find fulfillment outside of you is never greater than the hunger in my heart for simply abiding in you.

Psalm 16:2 "I said to the Lord 'You are my Lord; apart from you I have no good thing.'"

Job 1:21 "Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked I will depart. The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised."

2 Samuel 15:25-26 "Take the ark of God back into the city. If I find favor in the Lord's eyes, he will bring me back and let me see his dwelling place again. But if he says 'I am not pleased with you' , then I am ready. Let him do to me whatever he pleases."

STRUGGLING TO HAVE FAITH

Walking daily in faith with the Lord means that I will endure the ups and downs of life. I will endure the ups and downs of relationship with him. Mind you, the ‘downs’ are only a result of my inadequate responses to circumstances in this life. The ‘downs’ don’t reflect his shortcomings but my lack of faith. In those down times, when I am tempted to rely on myself or question the Lord or simply not believe that He will be good to me, I have a choice. I can either continue to stall in faithlessness or I can rest in being reminded of the truth in his promises.

In the slow times of my journey of faith, I am soothed and encouraged by reading the compilation of scriptures below. The Lord has promised over and over again to be enough for me. To be good to me. To be faithful. When I doubt, I trace back over the etchings of his words into my heart. It is impossible for God to lie (Hebrews 6:18), and with that being true, these words from him calm the storms of uncertainty in my heart.

I hope they bring you the same peace that they give me. My God is a god of peace. (Ephesians 2:14)

I exalt you and praise your name, for you in perfect faithfulness, have done marvelous things, things planned long ago. You are the God who performs miracles. I know that you can do all things; no plan of yours can be thwarted. They do not know the thoughts of the Lord, they do not understand His plan. The Lord will fulfill his purpose for me; your love, O Lord, endures forever---do not abandon the works of your hand. And after waiting patiently, Abraham received what was promised. The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. [God] acts on behalf of those who wait for him. Blessed is she who has believed that what the Lord has said to her will be accomplished. Wait on the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord. Forget the former things, do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing, do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert, streams in the wasteland. He who began a good work in you will be faithful to carry it to completion.

Whom have I in heaven but you, and earth has nothing I desire besides you. My heart and my flesh may fail, but you are my portion and the strength of my heart forever. One thing God has spoken, two things I have heard: that you, O God, are strong, and that you, O Lord, are loving. I am my beloveds and my beloved is mine. He rescued me because he delighted in me.

Scripture References: Isaiah 25:1, Psalm 77:14, Job 42:2, Micah 4:12, Psalm 138:8, Hebrews 6:15, 2 Peter 3:9, Isaiah 64:4, Luke 1:45, Psalm 27:14, Isaiah 43:18, 2 Corinthians 4:18, Philippians 1:6

Psalm 73:25-26, Psalm 62:11, Song of Songs 6:3, 2 Samuel 22:20