AN HONEST, IF IRREVERENT PRAYER

I know it might seem unbearably personal, but I want to share this prayer with you. I know that feeling alone, powerless and disappointed are feelings that most, if not all, believers will experience at some point in their lives. I don't mean to be irreverent to the Lord by asking and saying such bold things. But scripture does give us the freedom to "come boldly before the throne of grace, that we may find grace and obtain mercy in our time of need." (Hebrews 4:16 NKJV). And, it also tells us to 'pour out our hearts to him' (Psalm 62:8). It doesn't say to pour out just the parts that are pretty or pleasant. It says to pour out our hearts. Now, I don't know about you, but my heart has a LOT of stuff in it. Some of it is kind of nice and good. However, a lot of it.... not so much.

I have been going through a season of my life where I feel as though I have gone out on a limb in trusting the Lord with my life in it's entirety. I am struggling now with trusting him with that ultimate control of my life. As I'm fumbling around, trying to deal with my struggles in my own power, I cried out to the Lord, from the deepest depths of my heart, in a prayer tonight.

Although it is quite intimidating to share such an intimate thing, I want to share this prayer with you. I suppose I want you to know, that even in my struggles, even in my season of doubt and distrust, I know what the Lord says. I know his word to be true. We will likely all go through these seasons, but praise the Lord that "The faithful love of the Lord never ends! His mercies never cease. Great is his faithfulness; his mercies begin afresh each morning." (Lamentations 3:22-23 NLT) Because of this, I believe, he allows mercy for our doubts, our fears, our frustrations born of small faith. I don't like being in a place where I doubt him. But I praise him with all thankfulness and glory to him that he provides me that mercy to walk in that is renewed each day. Man, I sure do love my Lord.

Here is the prayer I wrote to him tonight:
Sunday, May 2, 2010

I have to admit, Lord, I'm quite angry with you. I know my anger is unrighteous, self-righteous, and inherently evil. But your word tells me to pour out my heart to you. I am here to pour myself out before you. I don't often know what to say. I don't even know that I can articulate what I'm feeling. I will start with what I do know and just share my heart with you. My heart, after all, is yours--- you might as well know what's inside.

I am so angry. I just want to hit something. I want to go before you and scream. I know that you have every good right to strike me dead before you for my irreverent display of immature faithlessness. I can't say that I hate you. I hate where you have me. I hate how I feel. But I fear you enough to never say that I hate you. I do want to say 'why?', though. Why do you have me hurting like this? Why do you have me feeling SO ALONE? I feel so, so empty, pale and dark. I feel empty yet so burdened. I feel the weight of the world is crushing my shell of a soul. Why do I have to hurt like this? Am I not 'getting' something? Why does my frail heart have to endure this deep of a wound? Why does the tenderness in my heart have to bear this burden of loneliness?

I am angry at you. I am angry because I know it is in your power to act. You could pull me from this in this very instant. You could fix my heart. You could lift the burden. You could fill the emptiness and repair the festering wounds. But you sit silent. And the only words you speak are 'no'.

I wish I was a Job; one who was 'crushed' but never curses you. I know that's who I should be. But my faith is apparently so small. I just hurt so much.

Your word tells me that you give and take away. All I see you do is take away. Take. Take. Take. I know it is all rightfully yours. But Lord, don't you have some compassion for me? Doesn't your heart hurt for me like it did for Mary and Martha? Don't you love me? Don't you want to heal me? Don't you want to be merciful to me? Where are you?

I can't do it. I can't stay like this. I can't be filled with this hurt, bitterness, anger and disappointment. I can't have a life like this. I just want to be taken away. I just want to be away from this world. It is too much right now. I can't bear it.

So, I quietly drum through my day like a robot. No purpose, no passion, no heart. How can I give my heart to my 'purpose' here when I feel as though my heart has been stolen from me. It has disappeared into oblivion. Where my heart has gone, I don't know. All I know is the burning wounds it's absence has left behind.

I don't want to be filled with hate. I don't want to be angry at you. I NEED you. I need you to hear me. I need you to act. I need you to be ENOUGH for me. Won't you be what you promised to be? Hear me now, Lord! I can't do this on my own. I can't bear this weight of my own broken heart. My heart is broken within me. How did it break? I don't know. But I know that YOU are the only one who can fix it. Please, Lord, have mercy on me now. Have mercy on my weak, weak soul. I'm just wasting away.

Forgive me, Jesus. Forgive me for my weak and miserable faith. I am not worthy of your mercy. I, in my irreverence, don't deserve your kindness. My faith is much too small to comprehend your goodness. I cannot fathom it, but I know it to be true. Your word says it is IMPOSSIBLE for you to lie. Please teach me to believe your promises. And Lord, forgive me. Forgive me for not trusting you. Forgive me for making a god out of so many things born of my own flesh. Forgive me for making an idol of marriage, of relationship, of love, of my own comfort. Forgive me for placing my own desires on the altar. Forgive me, Lord. I don't deserve your mercy.

Be merciful to me now, Lord. Come to me. Hear me. Hear and act. Heal me now. Meet me in my darkest hour. Carry me. Carry this burden now. Carry this burden and let YOUR NAME be glorified. Let YOUR renown be known because your mercy to me in this burden of hopelessness.

I do love you. I can't run from you. I know I can't escape you and I fear that now. Teach me to find comfort in that. Teach me to rest in knowing that I don't have to run, except to you. Teach me to let you be my refuge. And forgive me for refusing to let you be my Lord. I'm not worthy of you. Thank you for not leaving me now. I don't even know how to say how much I need you. I need you, I need you, I need you. Please Lord, be mine. Don't ever let me be mine. I am not my own, I am yours.

Unless a kernel of wheat dies, it can never bear new life. The new life I bear Lord, I bear in you. Teach me to die to myself and find joy in it. Teach me to find comfort and thanksgiving in dying to myself in exchange for your glory and ABUNDANCE.

I don't even know what to say.

I am yours.

Bethany


I encourage you, wherever you are in your life right now, pour out your heart to him. He is enough for you.(Psalm 73:25-26)

WAIT, NOT WHY!

Today's Read:

Romans 11:33-36

"Oh, the depth of the riches of the wisdom

and knowledge of God!

How undsearchable his judgements,

and his paths beyond tracing out!

Who has known the mind of the Lord?

Or who has been his counselor?

Who has ever given to God,

that God should repay him?

For from him and through him and to him are all things.

To him be the glory forever! Amen."

This post is almost a continuation of the previous post. The Lord has really been teaching me lately how to wait on him and trust him, in many areas of my life. I have had to wait on him to lead my in some career decisions, in opportunities to love and serve his people, and on the fruition of friendships and other relationships in my life. Most importantly, though, I've been waiting for him to reveal himself to me continually in a deeper way. When he gives me these revelations, all the other issues of waiting are dimmed in light of knowing him more intimately. He has been teaching me, that when my eyes are fixed on the "author and perfecter of my faith" (Hebrews 12:2) then my perspective changes from asking questions of 'why?!' and shift to still ponderings of simply who He is. When I'm shown more of who he is, I find it simple to say "Do to me what you will." After all, his "ways are higher than my ways and his thoughts are higher than my ways" (Isaiah 55:9).

The reality is, for me (and for all people, really) that I have a plan for myself. I have planned in my heart the major thoroughfares my life will proceed down, and I have small daily plans for how I will spend my moments in the here and now. Even when I don't think I'm planning the outcome of my days, I am. I am learning more and more to relinquish my plans, both big and small, for HIS. He 'has a plan for me, a plan to prosper me, not to harm me but to give me a future and a hope." (Jeremiah 29:11) I will find rest for my heart when I stop seeking my plans and acknowledge that 'YOU are God, and I am not. YOU are enough for me, even if you do not fulfill the plans I have for myself.' The beauty, joy, hope, peace, and freedom that is found in surrendering to that truth is irresistible.

Lord, you have promised to be enough for me. I trust you to be faithful in that. That means, that even when my plans fail or are simply left unfulfilled, that you will be enough for me. You will fulfill me. You will give me rest. You will be my place of rest. I praise you for your faithfulness in being enough for me. And I pray that my temptation to find fulfillment outside of you is never greater than the hunger in my heart for simply abiding in you.

Psalm 16:2 "I said to the Lord 'You are my Lord; apart from you I have no good thing.'"

Job 1:21 "Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked I will depart. The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised."

2 Samuel 15:25-26 "Take the ark of God back into the city. If I find favor in the Lord's eyes, he will bring me back and let me see his dwelling place again. But if he says 'I am not pleased with you' , then I am ready. Let him do to me whatever he pleases."

STRUGGLING TO HAVE FAITH

Walking daily in faith with the Lord means that I will endure the ups and downs of life. I will endure the ups and downs of relationship with him. Mind you, the ‘downs’ are only a result of my inadequate responses to circumstances in this life. The ‘downs’ don’t reflect his shortcomings but my lack of faith. In those down times, when I am tempted to rely on myself or question the Lord or simply not believe that He will be good to me, I have a choice. I can either continue to stall in faithlessness or I can rest in being reminded of the truth in his promises.

In the slow times of my journey of faith, I am soothed and encouraged by reading the compilation of scriptures below. The Lord has promised over and over again to be enough for me. To be good to me. To be faithful. When I doubt, I trace back over the etchings of his words into my heart. It is impossible for God to lie (Hebrews 6:18), and with that being true, these words from him calm the storms of uncertainty in my heart.

I hope they bring you the same peace that they give me. My God is a god of peace. (Ephesians 2:14)

I exalt you and praise your name, for you in perfect faithfulness, have done marvelous things, things planned long ago. You are the God who performs miracles. I know that you can do all things; no plan of yours can be thwarted. They do not know the thoughts of the Lord, they do not understand His plan. The Lord will fulfill his purpose for me; your love, O Lord, endures forever---do not abandon the works of your hand. And after waiting patiently, Abraham received what was promised. The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. [God] acts on behalf of those who wait for him. Blessed is she who has believed that what the Lord has said to her will be accomplished. Wait on the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord. Forget the former things, do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing, do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert, streams in the wasteland. He who began a good work in you will be faithful to carry it to completion.

Whom have I in heaven but you, and earth has nothing I desire besides you. My heart and my flesh may fail, but you are my portion and the strength of my heart forever. One thing God has spoken, two things I have heard: that you, O God, are strong, and that you, O Lord, are loving. I am my beloveds and my beloved is mine. He rescued me because he delighted in me.

Scripture References: Isaiah 25:1, Psalm 77:14, Job 42:2, Micah 4:12, Psalm 138:8, Hebrews 6:15, 2 Peter 3:9, Isaiah 64:4, Luke 1:45, Psalm 27:14, Isaiah 43:18, 2 Corinthians 4:18, Philippians 1:6

Psalm 73:25-26, Psalm 62:11, Song of Songs 6:3, 2 Samuel 22:20

HE IS OUR REFUGE

Read: Mostly all over the Psalms

It feels as though I am 'stuck' in the Psalms. But, at this point in my life with the Lord, reading them daily is medicine for my soul. I am hungry for him and they fill me. So, maybe it's redundant to always be referencing them, but they show me the depths of his heart. And how could I ever tire of that?

I was recently inadvertently wounded by a friend. The sting of this has made me feel very vulnerable and caused me to take a good hard look at myself. In my hurt, I want to withdraw and hole up inside myself as a mechanism of self protection. But I recognize that this is an expression of a lack of faith on my part. My instinct to protect myself reveals about me that I forget that I already have a protector. His name is the Lord Jesus.

While in the thick of this temptation to protect myself, the Lord was faithful to speak to me yet again that HE is all I need. He has promised to be my protection, my shield, my place of refuge. Not necessarily physically, but most certainly in matters of the heart.

I came across this picture and couldn't help but see my Father in the photo. He is the creator of ALL things. He created the things we can see and the things that we cannot. ( Colossians 1:16, Revelation 4:11) He knows what all living things need to be able to function healthily. From this photo, I was reminded that not only did he create these elegant birds, but he created their instinct to protect their young. And, to do it in such a fascinating and delicate way. If he knows that these simple creatures need this tender covering of protection, how much more does he know that I need it too? And, how infinitely capable is he of providing me the protection that I need? Seeing the image of the gentle protection he offers me gave me a lot of peace and rest. I don't need to struggle to protect myself. I need only to crawl under the covering of his wings and rest in his powerful ability (and desire) to be my refuge. This picture was particularly striking to me because of the many references scripture makes to finding shelter under His 'wings'. See below verses:
Ps. 17:8 "Keep me as the apple of your eye; hide me in the shadow of your wings."

Ps. 36:7 "How priceless is your unfailing love! Both high and low among men find refuge in the shadow of your wings."

Ps. 61:4 "I long to dwell in your tent forever and take refuge in the shelter of your wings."

Ps. 91:4 "He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart."

Matt. 23:37 "how often I have longed to gather your children together, as a hen gathers her chicks under her wings"

He is more than capable of being my protection and a place where I can rest from the storms of this life. Even the storms of my own heart. I just need to let him be my refuge.

Lord, thank you so much that you know I need your protection and your covering before I even recognize that I need it. Thank you for being ready and willing to be my refuge and my place of of rest. You are enough for me. I don't need to fight for myself or try to zealously protect my heart. You are my protector. Thank you for teaching me to rest in that.

Psalm 32:7 "You are my hiding place; you will protect me from trouble and surround me with songs of deliverance."

Psalm 5:11 "But let all who take refuge in you be glad; let them ever sing for joy. Spread your protection over them, that those who love your name may rejoice in you."

Psalm 73:28 "But as for me, it is good to be near God. I have made the Sovereign LORD my refuge; I will tell of all your deeds."

Proverbs 30:5 ""Every word of God is flawless; he is a shield to those who take refuge in him."

***As I studied, I realized that there are countless references to God being our 'refuge' in the bible. I have included a link to a search on the word 'refuge' on www.biblegateway.com. It is very encouraging to just read through all 95 of them quickly. I encourage you to take a look here.

CARDBOARD TESTIMONIES

Today's Read: 1 Peter 2:9

For the christmas eve service at my church this year, rather than having the pastor engage in lengthy dialogue about the story of Jesus, he arranged to have the lives Jesus has touched and changed to speak for themselves. Each person that came on the stage spoke no words, but carried a cardboard sign with a message written on it. On the sign, was a scrawled phrase defining their life and who they were prior to living with Jesus. Without saying a word, they would turn their cards over and reveal a victorious message depicting who they are now because of Christ. It was a very simple but profoundly moving method to conveying the power of Christ's spirit in people's lives. (*See link below to view a video of the 'cardboard testimonies')

As a church body, we were challenged going forward into the new year to examine what we would write on our own cardboard testimonies. That is to say, what is the most profound difference in my life prior to walking with Jesus and since walking with Jesus. I thought a good bit about it and came up with a solid list of noticeable changes to be thankful for because of the Lord. Here are some of the things I jotted down as I thought:

Burdened by shame and guilt.....rest in the yoke of his peace
Lived as an enemy of the cross.....living as salt and light
Broken and lost....redeemed and treasured
Wandered aimlessly..... live with purpose
Hurt and broken hearted..... healed and whole

While all of the above listed things are beautiful and wonderful things he's worked in me, I felt like they could be best summed up in this statement:

"Before trusting Jesus, I constantly stumbled around in the darkness, now I walk in the freedom of his light."

I didn't know how dark my darkness was until he shined his light on me. It was like I was living life constantly bumping into things and hurting myself as a result. I was confused, misguided and lost. Because of his goodness, he has brought light to my heart. I don't have to stumble around in in my darkness. I have his light guiding me and leading me. And for once, I am at a loss for words to describe how truly wonderful and beautiful this is. I know who I am now because I know my maker. And there is such an unbelievable freedom in that.

Sweet Lord Jesus, you are so good to me. You have called me out darkness and into light. My every moment, every thought is now filled with your purpose and your peace. I have given you all my life and all that is within my heart because I know that you are enough for me. Thank you for your faithfulness and your goodness to me. I do love you. I am yours.

Psalm 73:26 "My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever."

1 Peter 2:9-10 "But you are a chosen people, a royal preisthood, a holy nation, a people for his own possession, that you may proclaim the excellencies of him who called you out of darkness into his marvelous light. Once you were not a people, but now you are God's people; once you had not received mercy, but have now received mercy."

Psalm 18:28 "My God turns my darkness into light...."

Psalm 119:105 "Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path."



LINKS

Watermark Community Church cardboard testimonies (my home church in Dallas)
Video 1
Video 2

Austin Stone Community Church cardboard stories (a church I attended for a while in Austin just before I moved to Dallas several years ago.)

PREPARING FOR HARVEST

Todays Read: Galatians 5

I am in the midst of a season of my life that is full of uncertainty and instability. The blessing of this period is the opportunity that the Lord is giving me to lean wholly on him. The Psalms are full of references to God being a refuge to those who trust him. However, despite the fact that I know he is my refuge, a byproduct of living in uncertainty is vulnerability that can lead to insecurity. I am daily tempted to succumb to my vulnerability and reach back into myself and try to 'fix' things in my life or pursue things out of my own strength. With uncertainty comes fear or faith. I am learning, now, that both cannot reside in my heart simultaneously. Will I, in fear from uncertainty, abandon my purpose right now to wait on the Lord? (Psalm 27:14 "Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.") Or will I trust Him and joyfully rest in His glorious mysteries? I don't know what He's working, I don't know what He's planned. But His word tells me "You [Lord], in perfect faithfulness, have done marvelous things, things planned long ago." (Isaiah 25:1) I may not know what marvelous things He's in the midst of working or preparing. But I know He has had a "good, pleasing, and perfect" (Romans 12:2) plan from the beginning of time.

As I prayed for the Lord to give me eyes to see His faithfulness at work in me, he was swift to meet me in my need. I reviewed the fruits of the Spirit (love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, and self control) in Galatians 5 and the Lord spoke peace into my heart about this season in my life. In reading about the fruits, it was my intention to be introspective and test myself to look for these fruits. In my logic, I thought, "if the Lord really is working in my life now, then surely, I will be able to recognize some of these fruits in my life." While I think it is a wise thing to examine your ways and look for these tangible 'fruits', the Lord had a different purpose for me in studying them this day. As I was pondering, I remembered John 12:24-25 "unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds. The man who loves his life will lose it, while the man who hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life."

It was then that I realized that before the fruits come forth, the seed of my heart must perish. My 'seed', that is my desires for my life and desire to control it's course and outcome, must be buried before I can fully grow and bring forth the fruit of His works in my life. In his faithfulness, he reminded me yet again to "wait on the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait on the Lord" (Ps. 27:14). Because, if I trust in him while I am in this period of letting my seed 'die', then he will be faithful to bring forth the fruit. Just like real fruit though, spiritual fruit does not get produced over night. It is a long process in which he carefully tends to the process every step of the way. And just because I don't see the end result of his faithfulness in specific circumstances in my life right now, it doesn't mean that he's not at work. The harvest comes after the sowing, tending and growing. But the harvest will come. The bible tells me so.


Lord, I trust you in your promise of faithfulness. I know that if I want to live in you perfect plan, then I have to let go of my plan and therefore, the driver's seat of my life. I give you my life and I trust you with it. And while I might be in a period of waiting right now, of uncertainty, one thing is not uncertain, and that is you. You are unchanging, you are faithful and you are good. I will trust in you and seek you as my only refuge and my strength.


"I know that you can do all things, no plan of yours can be thwarted." Job 42:2

"If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will save it." Luke 9:24-25

NO PLACE TOO FAR

Today's Read: Psalm 139

"Oh Lord, you have searched me and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise' you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O Lord. You hem me in--- behind and before; you have laid your hands upon me..... Where can I go from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there..... For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well..... All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be..... Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting."

The work that I do requires not only my intellectual attention, but also my emotional and even spiritual attention. While most days this is a balancing act I can handle, there are times that it drains me. Today was one of those days. After a colossally terrible day at my job, I was ultimately exhausted on every level of my being. My heart was used up, poured out and beaten in the process. By the time the dust settled, I had nothing left and I had no choice but to come to Him; everything else of this world had left me empty. While being in this state of frustration is difficult and undesirable I praise God for it, because it brings me to my knees and back to him.

Today, I returned to a familiar Psalm and my heart was soothed. Psalm 139. This whole Psalm tells the love the Father has for me as displayed in his intimately thoughtful creation of every aspect of my soul. It also outlines my total inability to escape his presence. There are certainly times when I try to hide and escape the reach of God, due to my own fear and shame. However, today I am deeply comforted that no matter how alone and empty I feel, even if I think God has left me to take care of myself, His word assures me that no matter where I am, He is there. "Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there." (v. 7-8).

I know the Lord has a good plan for me and nothing, therefore, is accidental. Jeremiah tells me that " I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future." (Jer. 29:11) The most difficult days in this life are often the easiest to feel as though God has forgotten me and has no regard for the well being of my heart. Reading verse 16 of Psalm 139 shows me otherwise. "All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be." It might be miserable to go through a day like I had today, but it most certainly is not an accident. There is a lot of freedom in that truth. Even when walking through the valleys of life, I can have peace in knowing that those days are just a stepping stone in His great plan for me. I might feel downtrodden and beaten, but His truth says that He is in control because He has planned even the valleys.

Lord Jesus, I praise you for the truth that no matter where I am, you are there. Thank you that I am never beyond your reach. Thank you for being in control. Forgive me for doubting that you are with me. I pray that I would joyfully walk in freedom knowing that you have ordained every moment of my existence. And, I praise you for being faithful and strong. Forgive me for being so easily exhausted.

Psalm 23:4 "Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me."
John 8:36 "So, if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed"
Luke 12:7 "And, indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Do not be afraid, you are worth more than many sparrows."