Today's Read: Psalm 139
"Oh Lord, you have searched me and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise' you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O Lord. You hem me in--- behind and before; you have laid your hands upon me..... Where can I go from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there..... For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well..... All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be..... Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting."
The work that I do requires not only my intellectual attention, but also my emotional and even spiritual attention. While most days this is a balancing act I can handle, there are times that it drains me. Today was one of those days. After a colossally terrible day at my job, I was ultimately exhausted on every level of my being. My heart was used up, poured out and beaten in the process. By the time the dust settled, I had nothing left and I had no choice but to come to Him; everything else of this world had left me empty. While being in this state of frustration is difficult and undesirable I praise God for it, because it brings me to my knees and back to him.
Today, I returned to a familiar Psalm and my heart was soothed. Psalm 139. This whole Psalm tells the love the Father has for me as displayed in his intimately thoughtful creation of every aspect of my soul. It also outlines my total inability to escape his presence. There are certainly times when I try to hide and escape the reach of God, due to my own fear and shame. However, today I am deeply comforted that no matter how alone and empty I feel, even if I think God has left me to take care of myself, His word assures me that no matter where I am, He is there. "Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there." (v. 7-8).
I know the Lord has a good plan for me and nothing, therefore, is accidental. Jeremiah tells me that " I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future." (Jer. 29:11) The most difficult days in this life are often the easiest to feel as though God has forgotten me and has no regard for the well being of my heart. Reading verse 16 of Psalm 139 shows me otherwise. "All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be." It might be miserable to go through a day like I had today, but it most certainly is not an accident. There is a lot of freedom in that truth. Even when walking through the valleys of life, I can have peace in knowing that those days are just a stepping stone in His great plan for me. I might feel downtrodden and beaten, but His truth says that He is in control because He has planned even the valleys.
Lord Jesus, I praise you for the truth that no matter where I am, you are there. Thank you that I am never beyond your reach. Thank you for being in control. Forgive me for doubting that you are with me. I pray that I would joyfully walk in freedom knowing that you have ordained every moment of my existence. And, I praise you for being faithful and strong. Forgive me for being so easily exhausted.
Psalm 23:4 "Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me."
John 8:36 "So, if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed"
Luke 12:7 "And, indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Do not be afraid, you are worth more than many sparrows."
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Saturday, November 21, 2009
INVALUABLE WISDOM
Today's Read: Proverbs 3-5
Reading in Proverbs today, I was really humbled. I have been seeking the Lord for some time now and He has been faithful to be working on transforming my heart and mind. I rejoice and praise Him for that, but at the same time, I reminded that I will permanently be a work in progress. Much of the book of Proverbs is about wisdom and it's value. What I read today taught me that even though it is good to seek wisdom, I need to be warned that it may not always be easy to attain. In fact, it probably is often quite the opposite. If was easy to attain God's wisdom then I wouldn't be tempted to "despise the Lord's discipline and resent his rebuke" (v. 3:11) or to say "How I hated discipline! How my heart spurned correction!" (v. 5:12).
Reading these three chapters of Proverbs today served as a gentle reminder from the Lord about gaining wisdom. He showed me three things specifically.
1) I must be humble if I want to become wise. (v. 3:34) I can think of no way to breed humility in myself other than to seek the Lord's face and pray for His grace in this area.
2) Wisdom is priceless, but it comes at a great cost. (v.4:7). I cannot cling to the things I find valuable (myself, my desires, my ways of thinking, my idols) and yet also cling to wisdom. Therefore, my things must go. The cost of laying down myself and all that is within my heart is immeasurable. But the payoff here (gaining God's wisdom) is infinitely more valuable.
3) Knowing both of the prior two points to be true, then I must recognize, appreciate, enjoy and praise God for when he is disciplining me for the purpose of teaching me (v. 3:11). In fact, I should rejoice in His discipline because it is a testament of His love for me (v. 3:12).
So, I am left today clinging to several verses that I hope never leave my heart. Here they are:
4:13 "Hold on to instruction, do not let it go; guard it well, for it is your life."
4:23 "Guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life."
3:1 "My son, do not forget my teaching, but keep my commands in your heart."
3:3 "Let love and faithfulness never leave you bind them around your neck, write them on the tablet of your heart."
Lord, thank you for being patient with me when I am not humble enough to be teachable. Thank you for gently reminding me of my need for humility, discipline and instruction. Please keep me humble. And, give me a joyful heart that praises you in the midst of correction. Because I know that correction and discipline from you is an expression of your love for me.
Reading in Proverbs today, I was really humbled. I have been seeking the Lord for some time now and He has been faithful to be working on transforming my heart and mind. I rejoice and praise Him for that, but at the same time, I reminded that I will permanently be a work in progress. Much of the book of Proverbs is about wisdom and it's value. What I read today taught me that even though it is good to seek wisdom, I need to be warned that it may not always be easy to attain. In fact, it probably is often quite the opposite. If was easy to attain God's wisdom then I wouldn't be tempted to "despise the Lord's discipline and resent his rebuke" (v. 3:11) or to say "How I hated discipline! How my heart spurned correction!" (v. 5:12).
Reading these three chapters of Proverbs today served as a gentle reminder from the Lord about gaining wisdom. He showed me three things specifically.
1) I must be humble if I want to become wise. (v. 3:34) I can think of no way to breed humility in myself other than to seek the Lord's face and pray for His grace in this area.
2) Wisdom is priceless, but it comes at a great cost. (v.4:7). I cannot cling to the things I find valuable (myself, my desires, my ways of thinking, my idols) and yet also cling to wisdom. Therefore, my things must go. The cost of laying down myself and all that is within my heart is immeasurable. But the payoff here (gaining God's wisdom) is infinitely more valuable.
3) Knowing both of the prior two points to be true, then I must recognize, appreciate, enjoy and praise God for when he is disciplining me for the purpose of teaching me (v. 3:11). In fact, I should rejoice in His discipline because it is a testament of His love for me (v. 3:12).
So, I am left today clinging to several verses that I hope never leave my heart. Here they are:
4:13 "Hold on to instruction, do not let it go; guard it well, for it is your life."
4:23 "Guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life."
3:1 "My son, do not forget my teaching, but keep my commands in your heart."
3:3 "Let love and faithfulness never leave you bind them around your neck, write them on the tablet of your heart."
Lord, thank you for being patient with me when I am not humble enough to be teachable. Thank you for gently reminding me of my need for humility, discipline and instruction. Please keep me humble. And, give me a joyful heart that praises you in the midst of correction. Because I know that correction and discipline from you is an expression of your love for me.
REND YOUR HEART
Today's Read: Joel
I can't believe that I have never read the book of Joel. It is very short, only three chapters. But, it carries a huge message full of awe inspiring beauty. The first chapter and a half (half the book) is full of descriptions about destruction reaped on God's people as judgement for their rebellion against him. It is very clear that God is angry and is justly acting when he disciplines, punishes and pours out unfathomable hardships on his people. They have wronged him and he is completely justified in his response of giving suffering to the people. This part of the book reminds me that God alone is sovereign and I am nothing.
The part that bestows such beauty though, comes in the second part of chapter two. After a long rant about the well earned suffering God's people endured, and despite that the Lord was justifiably angry with them, even despite that, He still manages to say "Even now, declares the Lord, return to me with all your heart....for He is gracious and compassionate..... and who knows, He may turn and have pity and leave behind a blessing" (v. 12-14). Wait, WHAT? God's people, of which I am one, have been neglecting Him, rebelling against Him, dishonoring Him for so long. Because of their actions and the attitudes of their hearts, they (I!!!) don't deserve anything. What amazes me here is that it doesn't simply say that He might turn and 'stop punishing' them. It says that He might turn and 'leave behind a blessing' (v.14). What of their actions has merited His offering a blessing to them? Simple, He is pleased with an offering of their hearts. (v. 13 Rend your HEART). Just like Psalm 51:17 says, "The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O god, you will not despise."
The pinnacle of graceful majesty in this section of scripture for me, comes in verse 2:25 "I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten." What you must remember here is that in chapter one, it was explained that the locusts came as punishment from God on his people. It wasn't God picking on the people or simply being mean to them. These people, out of the sinful hardness of their hearts, earned and deserved that punishment. They deserved that punishment. But yet, simply at the fact that they were willing to give their hearts once again to God, He promised to bless them. And, not bless them simply with putting an end to the suffering, but to make up for the time they had already endured.
What the Lord taught me here about His immeasurable grace is that He is unbelievably eager to pour out His blessing of grace at the very moment that we give our hearts to him. But we must 'rend our hearts and not our garments' (v. 2:13). It is revealed over and over again in scripture that he wants our HEARTS.
Lord, I am quieted today by your love. In the face of your beauty and the majesty of your grace, I am left speechless. Please never allow me to forget the greatness of your grace and it's blessing for my life. Let me never forget to 'rend my heart' completely to you and before you. You want my heart Jesus. And even though I have to choose to give it to over and over again, I am telling you Lord, that I am giving you my heart. Take and seal it for yourself.
I can't believe that I have never read the book of Joel. It is very short, only three chapters. But, it carries a huge message full of awe inspiring beauty. The first chapter and a half (half the book) is full of descriptions about destruction reaped on God's people as judgement for their rebellion against him. It is very clear that God is angry and is justly acting when he disciplines, punishes and pours out unfathomable hardships on his people. They have wronged him and he is completely justified in his response of giving suffering to the people. This part of the book reminds me that God alone is sovereign and I am nothing.
The part that bestows such beauty though, comes in the second part of chapter two. After a long rant about the well earned suffering God's people endured, and despite that the Lord was justifiably angry with them, even despite that, He still manages to say "Even now, declares the Lord, return to me with all your heart....for He is gracious and compassionate..... and who knows, He may turn and have pity and leave behind a blessing" (v. 12-14). Wait, WHAT? God's people, of which I am one, have been neglecting Him, rebelling against Him, dishonoring Him for so long. Because of their actions and the attitudes of their hearts, they (I!!!) don't deserve anything. What amazes me here is that it doesn't simply say that He might turn and 'stop punishing' them. It says that He might turn and 'leave behind a blessing' (v.14). What of their actions has merited His offering a blessing to them? Simple, He is pleased with an offering of their hearts. (v. 13 Rend your HEART). Just like Psalm 51:17 says, "The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O god, you will not despise."
The pinnacle of graceful majesty in this section of scripture for me, comes in verse 2:25 "I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten." What you must remember here is that in chapter one, it was explained that the locusts came as punishment from God on his people. It wasn't God picking on the people or simply being mean to them. These people, out of the sinful hardness of their hearts, earned and deserved that punishment. They deserved that punishment. But yet, simply at the fact that they were willing to give their hearts once again to God, He promised to bless them. And, not bless them simply with putting an end to the suffering, but to make up for the time they had already endured.
What the Lord taught me here about His immeasurable grace is that He is unbelievably eager to pour out His blessing of grace at the very moment that we give our hearts to him. But we must 'rend our hearts and not our garments' (v. 2:13). It is revealed over and over again in scripture that he wants our HEARTS.
Lord, I am quieted today by your love. In the face of your beauty and the majesty of your grace, I am left speechless. Please never allow me to forget the greatness of your grace and it's blessing for my life. Let me never forget to 'rend my heart' completely to you and before you. You want my heart Jesus. And even though I have to choose to give it to over and over again, I am telling you Lord, that I am giving you my heart. Take and seal it for yourself.
Sunday, November 1, 2009
BEING RECONCILED
Today's Read: 2 Corinthians
I have to admit, I am a believer who struggles with accepting the Grace that the Lord has offered me. I struggle with being deceived by the lies the evil one desires to burden my heart with. The Father of lies tells me that I cannot be redeemed fully, that I am too marred by my own sin to be fully accepted by God and blessed by him. Believing these lies leaves me feeling discouraged, burdened and sorrowful. This is something that I struggle with cyclically and continually need to combat with the truth of the scriptures if I want to be able to rise above the lie that I am unredeemable.
I have read in 2 Corinthians 7 before that 'Godly sorrow brings repentance' (v. 10), repentance that leads to LIFE. Even though I have read this particular passage many times, I seemed to have skimmed over verse 9. It is here that the bible tells me that "you became sorrowful as God intended". Reading this has brought me so much comfort and peace because it reminds me that my sorrow (over sins of rebellion and the shame that accompany them) is not a superfluous side effect of my human state. It is purposefully brought to surface in my heart as a direct component of God's continued progressive sanctification of my spirit. He has intentionally planned for this sorrow, because it is a step in the process that brings me ever closer to him and refines me to have a heart more like his. Malachi 3:2-3 says that he will refine me as silver, which is a process that requires painstaking effort before a furnace to cleanse all impurities. Sounds painful, because it is! This refining process is not easy or fun; it's not for the faint at heart. But it is so beautiful, because it brings me closer to Him. I believe the burden of sorrow that I'm bearing is a direct result of his calling me to come closer.
So, I am choosing to cling to the hope that He is using this as a tool to reconcile me to him, that is, to bring me home to live with him as he intended since the dawn of creation. 2 Corinthians 5 tells me that I am a new creation, who has been reconciled and that I no longer bear the burden of my sin. How can I deny what the word of God says about me and choose to cling to the lies of the devil that I am forever stuck in the filth of my own sin? I cannot.
Oh Lord, thank you for your faithfulness to work on me and in me, even though it is painful. It is heartbreaking to continually be made more and more aware of my own depravity. It burdens my heart to see clearly just how broken I am. But I praise your name, your mercy and your faithfulness that you accept me as I am, but you don't let me just stay as I am. Thank you for refining me and for giving me the grace to grow in strength from the process, despite the hurt that is within my heart over it.
Isaiah 43: 25 "I, even I, am he who blots our your transgressions, for my own sake and remembers your sins no more."
I have to admit, I am a believer who struggles with accepting the Grace that the Lord has offered me. I struggle with being deceived by the lies the evil one desires to burden my heart with. The Father of lies tells me that I cannot be redeemed fully, that I am too marred by my own sin to be fully accepted by God and blessed by him. Believing these lies leaves me feeling discouraged, burdened and sorrowful. This is something that I struggle with cyclically and continually need to combat with the truth of the scriptures if I want to be able to rise above the lie that I am unredeemable.
I have read in 2 Corinthians 7 before that 'Godly sorrow brings repentance' (v. 10), repentance that leads to LIFE. Even though I have read this particular passage many times, I seemed to have skimmed over verse 9. It is here that the bible tells me that "you became sorrowful as God intended". Reading this has brought me so much comfort and peace because it reminds me that my sorrow (over sins of rebellion and the shame that accompany them) is not a superfluous side effect of my human state. It is purposefully brought to surface in my heart as a direct component of God's continued progressive sanctification of my spirit. He has intentionally planned for this sorrow, because it is a step in the process that brings me ever closer to him and refines me to have a heart more like his. Malachi 3:2-3 says that he will refine me as silver, which is a process that requires painstaking effort before a furnace to cleanse all impurities. Sounds painful, because it is! This refining process is not easy or fun; it's not for the faint at heart. But it is so beautiful, because it brings me closer to Him. I believe the burden of sorrow that I'm bearing is a direct result of his calling me to come closer.
So, I am choosing to cling to the hope that He is using this as a tool to reconcile me to him, that is, to bring me home to live with him as he intended since the dawn of creation. 2 Corinthians 5 tells me that I am a new creation, who has been reconciled and that I no longer bear the burden of my sin. How can I deny what the word of God says about me and choose to cling to the lies of the devil that I am forever stuck in the filth of my own sin? I cannot.
Oh Lord, thank you for your faithfulness to work on me and in me, even though it is painful. It is heartbreaking to continually be made more and more aware of my own depravity. It burdens my heart to see clearly just how broken I am. But I praise your name, your mercy and your faithfulness that you accept me as I am, but you don't let me just stay as I am. Thank you for refining me and for giving me the grace to grow in strength from the process, despite the hurt that is within my heart over it.
Isaiah 43: 25 "I, even I, am he who blots our your transgressions, for my own sake and remembers your sins no more."
Sunday, October 18, 2009
RELATIONSHIP, NOT RELIGION
John 5
As I've grown in my walk with the Lord, I have had a growing desire to have His word ready on my lips at all times. In some ways, it comes very easily to memorize scripture. Because, there are plenty of times when studying his word that it comes alive for me and I feel as though it was written just for me and spoken directly into my heart. At those times, it's like the scriptures are etched permanently into my heart and I don't forget them. There are other times, however that I intently study for memorization so that I can have an arsenal of scriptures to use for witnessing with, encouraging with and clinging to. After all, 1 Peter 3 instructs that as believers, we are to have a ready defense.
I know that in my walk with the Lord there are going to be times when I feel like I am running and could run for days without resting, and it's wholly invigorating, not exhausting. I also know that at other times, it will be a struggle, for whatever reason, for me to be able to even get my tennis shoes on to go for a jog around the block with Him. But regardless of my mood or depth of pursuit on any one particular day, I do want to at least get my shoes on and get out to walk with Him, everyday.
In trying to honor Him, I have found myself in the last week or so reading the bible just to say to myself that I had 'gone for a walk' with the Lord, almost to check off my list that I had done right by him. I have, after all, been trying to commit His word to memory and I have been commanded to do so, so by default, aren't I being obedient and therefore honoring Him?
I can explain away my behavior with logic all I want, but at the end of the day, the Lord doesn't want mere behavior from me. I don't believe he cares that much about what I do if his first and foremost desire is not fulfilled--- to have relationship with me. I was reading in John 5 a few days ago and reading verses 39-40 it was like Jesus was thumping me on the head saying 'Don't you get it?! Here's what you should be doing! Pursue ME. Not just my word, but ME. I want relationship with you. And you need relationship with me!'
While it is good for me to commit His word to memory, it is not enough. Jesus doesn't want my head full of His words and that's it. Jesus wants my heart. I have always known this and yet it is so easy for me to forget amongst all the chaos and noise of life. He wants my heart. He wants me to pursue, desire, commit to HIM and our relationship. When I remember this, my heart brims over with joy. There is so much freedom in knowing that all He wants is for me to let go and give myself wholly to Him. And in that freedom, my beautiful joy is found.
Thank you, sweet and faithful Jesus, that what you desire most is my heart. Thank you that no matter what I do, it doesn't matter if I do it outside of relationship with you. I want to honor you and be obedient to you. Please keeping speaking your truth into my heart that the only way I can begin to do those things is by having relationship with you.
Hebrews 11:6 "For without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him."
As I've grown in my walk with the Lord, I have had a growing desire to have His word ready on my lips at all times. In some ways, it comes very easily to memorize scripture. Because, there are plenty of times when studying his word that it comes alive for me and I feel as though it was written just for me and spoken directly into my heart. At those times, it's like the scriptures are etched permanently into my heart and I don't forget them. There are other times, however that I intently study for memorization so that I can have an arsenal of scriptures to use for witnessing with, encouraging with and clinging to. After all, 1 Peter 3 instructs that as believers, we are to have a ready defense.
I know that in my walk with the Lord there are going to be times when I feel like I am running and could run for days without resting, and it's wholly invigorating, not exhausting. I also know that at other times, it will be a struggle, for whatever reason, for me to be able to even get my tennis shoes on to go for a jog around the block with Him. But regardless of my mood or depth of pursuit on any one particular day, I do want to at least get my shoes on and get out to walk with Him, everyday.
In trying to honor Him, I have found myself in the last week or so reading the bible just to say to myself that I had 'gone for a walk' with the Lord, almost to check off my list that I had done right by him. I have, after all, been trying to commit His word to memory and I have been commanded to do so, so by default, aren't I being obedient and therefore honoring Him?
I can explain away my behavior with logic all I want, but at the end of the day, the Lord doesn't want mere behavior from me. I don't believe he cares that much about what I do if his first and foremost desire is not fulfilled--- to have relationship with me. I was reading in John 5 a few days ago and reading verses 39-40 it was like Jesus was thumping me on the head saying 'Don't you get it?! Here's what you should be doing! Pursue ME. Not just my word, but ME. I want relationship with you. And you need relationship with me!'
While it is good for me to commit His word to memory, it is not enough. Jesus doesn't want my head full of His words and that's it. Jesus wants my heart. I have always known this and yet it is so easy for me to forget amongst all the chaos and noise of life. He wants my heart. He wants me to pursue, desire, commit to HIM and our relationship. When I remember this, my heart brims over with joy. There is so much freedom in knowing that all He wants is for me to let go and give myself wholly to Him. And in that freedom, my beautiful joy is found.
Thank you, sweet and faithful Jesus, that what you desire most is my heart. Thank you that no matter what I do, it doesn't matter if I do it outside of relationship with you. I want to honor you and be obedient to you. Please keeping speaking your truth into my heart that the only way I can begin to do those things is by having relationship with you.
Hebrews 11:6 "For without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him."
Monday, October 5, 2009
MERCY
Daniel 9
I know that I am a sinner, by nature, this is why I needed Jesus to begin with; because I realized this truth. So, I shouldn't be surprised when I get tangled up in sin and stumble yet again, despite the growth that I have seen spiritually. In fact, James 1 tells me that not only will I stumble, but even the fact that I am tempted to fall into sin is my own fault! Regardless of knowing that fact though, my heart becomes so burdened with grief when I foolishly commit acts of sin that I believed I had mastered or risen above.
As I struggle with accepting the reality of my specific sin, I find myself hiding myself from God, afraid to admit to Him what I've done. My fear is not so much that I worry about Him being angry at me, but more that I am afraid that His mercy will be out of my reach. Just as my heart has enticed me into temptation and sin, my heart also then condemns me for that sin. (1 John 3:19) I continually struggle with forgiving myself and accepting God's mercy and grace.
The Lord showed me today that not only am I foolish to hold onto such an un-truth, but also, that I am prideful in general. As I read in Daniel 9, verse 18 really struck me, saying "We do not make requests of you because we are righteous, but because of your great mercy." For me, it is easy to relate to the part that I am not righteous when I am fresh from sinning; of course I don't feel righteous then! However, for me to live under the illusion that when I'm not being dragged away by my own evil desires, that I am somehow righteous is completely false and inaccurate scripturally. God's word has told me over and over and over again that any righteousness that I do have is entirely because of my FAITH in who God is--- not because of anything I have done, evil or good. (Romans 1:17, 3:22, 4:5, 4:13, 9:30, Philippians 3:9, Hebrews 11:7) Despite that fact though, I find it much easier to accept His mercy when I don't feel burdened with guilt. Somehow, I believe the illusion that when I'm behaving in a 'righteous' manner that somehow, I have a right to ask for His mercy. But what His word showed me today is that it doesn't matter what I've done, His mercy is always greater than my sin and it is always because of who He is that he offers it, not because of what I have or have not done. So, whether I am caught in a tangled web of filth or I am faithfully pursuing His commands, the need for His mercy is the same. And, the source of the power of His mercy is unchangingly steady---- it's source is Him, not me. NOTHING I can do can change my need of His mercy or His ability or desire to extend it to me. I honestly cannot understand that truth, it is too abstractly beautiful, but I know that it is true.
Listen: New Mercy
"This is how we set our hearts at rest in His presence whenever our hearts condemn us. For God is greater than our Hearts and He knows everything." 1 John 3:19-20
"If we confess our sins he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness." 1 John 1:9
Lord, thank you that your mercy is new every morning. I cannot expend it and yet I am always in need of it. Thank you for remembering that I am foolish and weak. And thank you that you can and will forgive me, every day. I cannot understand your grace, mercy, love, kindness and faithfulness. But, I accept it anyway and worship you for it.
I know that I am a sinner, by nature, this is why I needed Jesus to begin with; because I realized this truth. So, I shouldn't be surprised when I get tangled up in sin and stumble yet again, despite the growth that I have seen spiritually. In fact, James 1 tells me that not only will I stumble, but even the fact that I am tempted to fall into sin is my own fault! Regardless of knowing that fact though, my heart becomes so burdened with grief when I foolishly commit acts of sin that I believed I had mastered or risen above.
As I struggle with accepting the reality of my specific sin, I find myself hiding myself from God, afraid to admit to Him what I've done. My fear is not so much that I worry about Him being angry at me, but more that I am afraid that His mercy will be out of my reach. Just as my heart has enticed me into temptation and sin, my heart also then condemns me for that sin. (1 John 3:19) I continually struggle with forgiving myself and accepting God's mercy and grace.
The Lord showed me today that not only am I foolish to hold onto such an un-truth, but also, that I am prideful in general. As I read in Daniel 9, verse 18 really struck me, saying "We do not make requests of you because we are righteous, but because of your great mercy." For me, it is easy to relate to the part that I am not righteous when I am fresh from sinning; of course I don't feel righteous then! However, for me to live under the illusion that when I'm not being dragged away by my own evil desires, that I am somehow righteous is completely false and inaccurate scripturally. God's word has told me over and over and over again that any righteousness that I do have is entirely because of my FAITH in who God is--- not because of anything I have done, evil or good. (Romans 1:17, 3:22, 4:5, 4:13, 9:30, Philippians 3:9, Hebrews 11:7) Despite that fact though, I find it much easier to accept His mercy when I don't feel burdened with guilt. Somehow, I believe the illusion that when I'm behaving in a 'righteous' manner that somehow, I have a right to ask for His mercy. But what His word showed me today is that it doesn't matter what I've done, His mercy is always greater than my sin and it is always because of who He is that he offers it, not because of what I have or have not done. So, whether I am caught in a tangled web of filth or I am faithfully pursuing His commands, the need for His mercy is the same. And, the source of the power of His mercy is unchangingly steady---- it's source is Him, not me. NOTHING I can do can change my need of His mercy or His ability or desire to extend it to me. I honestly cannot understand that truth, it is too abstractly beautiful, but I know that it is true.
Listen: New Mercy
"This is how we set our hearts at rest in His presence whenever our hearts condemn us. For God is greater than our Hearts and He knows everything." 1 John 3:19-20
"If we confess our sins he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness." 1 John 1:9
Lord, thank you that your mercy is new every morning. I cannot expend it and yet I am always in need of it. Thank you for remembering that I am foolish and weak. And thank you that you can and will forgive me, every day. I cannot understand your grace, mercy, love, kindness and faithfulness. But, I accept it anyway and worship you for it.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
MY TESTIMONY FOR BAPTISM
So, I have mentioned before that I was planning on getting baptized. It will be happening this weekend. The church has asked that I prepare a short testimony to share with the congregation the day of. Even though I have already written similar posts to this one, I felt compelled to share this one with you. In a nutshell, I am broken and He fixes. And I worship Him for that. And those two sentences are what ALL of creation is purposed for. So, here is my page in the book......
I don't have a radical, dramatic story of conversion. I am not a Paul. My story is much more subdued, but I'm sure, more common than a lot of us would like to think. Nevertheless, my story is one of grace. My story is about a broken sinner who is redeemed by Jesus Christ.
I accepted Jesus to be my savior when I was a young child, only 5 years old. At vacation bible school, I was told about the Son of God who wanted to come into my heart and be my savior. Although I was barely more than a baby, I knew deep within me on that day that God was calling for me to come to Him. That night at home, with my parents, I prayed and asked Him to come and live in my heart because I knew that I needed Him.
Although I had accepted salvation in Christ long ago, my walk of faith virtually stopped at my salvation with me going very little deeper over the next twenty years. I genuinely believed the triune God had saved me by His grace because I was a sinner who needed saving and was incapable of saving myself. Yet, despite that truth, I pursued life on my own terms. I did things my way. I considered my way, my desires, my feelings and my thoughts above all else. At times, I would superficially pursue God to see if He would give me the things I wanted on my own terms, and when He didn't, I scoffed at Him and turned back to pursue my own ways yet again. I did this back and forth game with the Lord for twenty years. I might have been 'saved', but I was very lost and so very broken. I lived my life deep into adulthood broken and in need of the redeeming power of Jesus Christ.
In the most recent months, the Lord has taught me so much about what true life with Him really looks like. He has shown me that He IS who He says He is. He has revealed to me that the reason I had such a broken life was because I was leading it, rather than letting Him be my Lord. I was doing the 'right' things, religious things, but I wasn't doing what He had really asked of me, to love Him above all else. I desired the abundant life but was not willing to give myself up in order to receive it. The Lord has taught me now, that the abundant life, the life resurrected in Him can ONLY come after the death we willingly submit to.
I am here today because after over twenty years of a hot and cold relationship with the Lord Jesus Christ, I am proclaiming to my friends, my family, the world, and most importantly, my God, that I am ready to be married to Him. I choose this death, because with it comes the resurrected life. I know these things and can say them with humble joy because of the goodness of God. He is faithful. He is merciful. He is loving and kind. And it is because He has relentlessly pursued my heart over the last two decades that I can stand before you today and say 'This is my God. This is my Jesus. Isn't He beautiful for what He has done and what He will yet do?!' Hallelujah to our great King! So, after Christ's proclamation to the world that I am priceless to Him by giving His life for mine on the cross, I am here to proclaim to the world that He is priceless to me for that very same reason.
Listen: I Exalt Thee
I don't have a radical, dramatic story of conversion. I am not a Paul. My story is much more subdued, but I'm sure, more common than a lot of us would like to think. Nevertheless, my story is one of grace. My story is about a broken sinner who is redeemed by Jesus Christ.
I accepted Jesus to be my savior when I was a young child, only 5 years old. At vacation bible school, I was told about the Son of God who wanted to come into my heart and be my savior. Although I was barely more than a baby, I knew deep within me on that day that God was calling for me to come to Him. That night at home, with my parents, I prayed and asked Him to come and live in my heart because I knew that I needed Him.
Although I had accepted salvation in Christ long ago, my walk of faith virtually stopped at my salvation with me going very little deeper over the next twenty years. I genuinely believed the triune God had saved me by His grace because I was a sinner who needed saving and was incapable of saving myself. Yet, despite that truth, I pursued life on my own terms. I did things my way. I considered my way, my desires, my feelings and my thoughts above all else. At times, I would superficially pursue God to see if He would give me the things I wanted on my own terms, and when He didn't, I scoffed at Him and turned back to pursue my own ways yet again. I did this back and forth game with the Lord for twenty years. I might have been 'saved', but I was very lost and so very broken. I lived my life deep into adulthood broken and in need of the redeeming power of Jesus Christ.
In the most recent months, the Lord has taught me so much about what true life with Him really looks like. He has shown me that He IS who He says He is. He has revealed to me that the reason I had such a broken life was because I was leading it, rather than letting Him be my Lord. I was doing the 'right' things, religious things, but I wasn't doing what He had really asked of me, to love Him above all else. I desired the abundant life but was not willing to give myself up in order to receive it. The Lord has taught me now, that the abundant life, the life resurrected in Him can ONLY come after the death we willingly submit to.
I am here today because after over twenty years of a hot and cold relationship with the Lord Jesus Christ, I am proclaiming to my friends, my family, the world, and most importantly, my God, that I am ready to be married to Him. I choose this death, because with it comes the resurrected life. I know these things and can say them with humble joy because of the goodness of God. He is faithful. He is merciful. He is loving and kind. And it is because He has relentlessly pursued my heart over the last two decades that I can stand before you today and say 'This is my God. This is my Jesus. Isn't He beautiful for what He has done and what He will yet do?!' Hallelujah to our great King! So, after Christ's proclamation to the world that I am priceless to Him by giving His life for mine on the cross, I am here to proclaim to the world that He is priceless to me for that very same reason.
Listen: I Exalt Thee
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