MY TESTIMONY FOR BAPTISM

So, I have mentioned before that I was planning on getting baptized. It will be happening this weekend. The church has asked that I prepare a short testimony to share with the congregation the day of. Even though I have already written similar posts to this one, I felt compelled to share this one with you. In a nutshell, I am broken and He fixes. And I worship Him for that. And those two sentences are what ALL of creation is purposed for. So, here is my page in the book......


I don't have a radical, dramatic story of conversion. I am not a Paul. My story is much more subdued, but I'm sure, more common than a lot of us would like to think. Nevertheless, my story is one of grace. My story is about a broken sinner who is redeemed by Jesus Christ.

I accepted Jesus to be my savior when I was a young child, only 5 years old. At vacation bible school, I was told about the Son of God who wanted to come into my heart and be my savior. Although I was barely more than a baby, I knew deep within me on that day that God was calling for me to come to Him. That night at home, with my parents, I prayed and asked Him to come and live in my heart because I knew that I needed Him.

Although I had accepted salvation in Christ long ago, my walk of faith virtually stopped at my salvation with me going very little deeper over the next twenty years. I genuinely believed the triune God had saved me by His grace because I was a sinner who needed saving and was incapable of saving myself. Yet, despite that truth, I pursued life on my own terms. I did things my way. I considered my way, my desires, my feelings and my thoughts above all else. At times, I would superficially pursue God to see if He would give me the things I wanted on my own terms, and when He didn't, I scoffed at Him and turned back to pursue my own ways yet again. I did this back and forth game with the Lord for twenty years. I might have been 'saved', but I was very lost and so very broken. I lived my life deep into adulthood broken and in need of the redeeming power of Jesus Christ.

In the most recent months, the Lord has taught me so much about what true life with Him really looks like. He has shown me that He IS who He says He is. He has revealed to me that the reason I had such a broken life was because I was leading it, rather than letting Him be my Lord. I was doing the 'right' things, religious things, but I wasn't doing what He had really asked of me, to love Him above all else. I desired the abundant life but was not willing to give myself up in order to receive it. The Lord has taught me now, that the abundant life, the life resurrected in Him can ONLY come after the death we willingly submit to.

I am here today because after over twenty years of a hot and cold relationship with the Lord Jesus Christ, I am proclaiming to my friends, my family, the world, and most importantly, my God, that I am ready to be married to Him. I choose this death, because with it comes the resurrected life. I know these things and can say them with humble joy because of the goodness of God. He is faithful. He is merciful. He is loving and kind. And it is because He has relentlessly pursued my heart over the last two decades that I can stand before you today and say 'This is my God. This is my Jesus. Isn't He beautiful for what He has done and what He will yet do?!' Hallelujah to our great King! So, after Christ's proclamation to the world that I am priceless to Him by giving His life for mine on the cross, I am here to proclaim to the world that He is priceless to me for that very same reason.

Listen: I Exalt Thee

THE WILL OF GOD

Romans 12 and Matthew 14:22-36

I mentioned a few entries ago that I struggle a lot with discerning between the truth and lies within my own feelings. I think one of my biggest pitfalls in this area is that I have been expecting to find the will of God by listening to my feelings. I have been frustrated and disappointed when I have been diligently reading the bible and praying, but I still did not 'know' what God's will was for me. I believe the reason for this was that despite the fact that I was pursuing relationship with the Lord, I continued looking inward, to myself, trying to find Him. That doesn't even make sense! That's like looking into a mirror and expecting to see someone besides yourself staring back at you. It's just foolish.

The Lord has really been working in my heart on this issue. I have heard the verse of Romans 12:2 probably a million times over the course of my life. I read this verse for the one million and first time and it was almost as if I was reading it for the very first time. How foolish was I that I spent so much time and energy on my feelings, my heart and my emotions trying to find the will of God, when He clearly tells me exactly how to find it---- and it has nothing to do with my feelings!? In fact, this verse says "Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your MIND, so you can test and approve what God's perfect WILL is." It is very clearly stated, in very simple terms, that I am to use the mind that the Lord gave me to pursue His will.

What does this look like? Well, for one, the transformation that comes from the renewing of your mind happens by being diligent in many areas of discipline. But perhaps the most important area is, by protecting your mind from the influences and forces of this world. The only way I know to do this is to bury myself in His word and to 'pray without ceasing' (1 Thessalonians 5:17, NASB).

What the Lord has shown me in addition to this idea of renewing my mind is that I must stop looking into a mirror trying to find Him. I have to look at Him if I want to know His heart for me. Just like when Jesus was walking on the water to the boat His disciples were on, I am like Peter. (Matt. 14) Peter immediately wanted Jesus to prove his divinity and sovereignty by giving Peter directions and steps to take. Jesus's response was 'Fine, come this way. But keep your eyes on me." Peter did so, but the second he stopped focusing his gaze on Jesus, he began sinking. I feel like Peter. I've been sinking because I haven't been looking directly at my Lord.

To this effect, the Psalms have given me some very direct and wise instruction. And turns out, it's pretty simple.

Psalms 27:8 "My heart says of you 'seek His face', your face, Lord, will I seek."
Psalms 17:15 "And I, in righteousness, will see your face; when I awake, I will be satisfied with seeing your likeness."
Psalms 37:7 "Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for Him."


Lord, you are so patient with me when I am such a complete fool! I am so short sighted and have such little wisdom. Forgive my arrogant attitude that expects answer from you at the second I demand instruction. Your answer will likely always be 'seek My face'. Thank you for being so gentle with me as you faithfully repeat this simple truth to me over and over again. You are relentless and I worship you for that. All things, ALL THINGS, are for your glory. I love who you are and that you are my God!

WHY THE 'BOX'?

Read: A section in each Gospel (linked below)
Matthew 26:6-13
Mark 14:1-66
Luke 7:36-50
John 12:1-11 (**See note)





There is an account in each one of the gospels about a woman who pours out her alabaster jar on Jesus as an act of her love and devotion to Him. In these accounts, people watching her do this criticize her harshly because they deem her act to be foolish and incredibly wasteful. They thought this because at the time, alabaster jars stored very expensive perfume. From what I understand, they were so valuable that they could have been included as part of the dowry of a Jewish woman. So, for a woman to take part or all of her dowry and wastefully pour it all out, at once, was too much for the onlookers to fathom. Jesus' response to both the onlookers and to the woman who offered him this unabashed act of affection was that what she had done was a beautiful thing. In fact, He said that it was such a splendid thing that "wherever the gospel is preached throughout the world, what she has done will also be told, in memory of her." (Matthew 26:13 and Mark 14:9)

About five years ago, I did a bible study during which the study touched on the subject of the 'alabaster box' (also called 'jar'). The Lord showed me through that study that although I don't have a dowry, I do have an alabaster box. Within that box is the most treasured, cherished, valued and costly thing that I have in my life. At the the time that He showed me this, I did not yet know what my box contained. It wasn't perfume, but it was just as costly as the nard that was in the woman's jar from scripture. This truth was so heavy on my heart and it never left me. Over time, the Lord revealed to me what was in my alabaster box. It was a seemingly simple thing.... my heart. Just as the Lord called beautiful the lavish affection that the woman showed in pouring out her box on Him, so would He say the same to me. All I needed to do was open my box and pour out my heart on Him, without reserving anything for myself.

It took me several years once I understood this call from Him to be able to have the faith to act on this conviction. But, when I finally chose to open that box and lavish the contents of my heart on Him, He has been faithful to respond to me with the same response he offered the Jewish woman in the bible. It has been out of the sacrifice of that alabaster box of mine that I have come to know beautiful intimacy with the Lord. And, I believe it is because of the 'wasted' cost of it's contents that He has responded by filling me with a gift far more valuable---He has given me Himself. It is for this reason that I chose to name my blog after the concept of this 'box'.

Listen: 'More Precious Than Silver'

**After much studying of these passages, I realize that there reasonable debate over whether each of these sections are in fact, an account of the exact same event. I chose to include them all, regardless of the seemingly lack of clarity on this issue. I decided this because the message conveyed to me can be seen in each passage, even if they are actually records of separate events.

HIS LOVE ENDURES FOREVER

Today's Read: Psalm 136

I know I usually just link the scriptures that I am focusing on rather than including the text directly. But this time, I wanted to share directly with you this Psalm. I cannot read this Psalm and not respond with stillness and quiet in my heart. The wonder of truth in this scripture is very humbling. How great is the Lord's love for me! What I think I love the most about this section of scripture is the circumstances in which He loves me and the actions that He uses to show that to me.


Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good. His love endures forever.

Give thanks to the God of gods. His love endures forever.

Give thanks to the Lord of lords: His love endures forever.

===> Just by being who He IS, He loves.

To him who alone does great wonders, His love endures forever.

Who by his understanding made the heavens, His love endures forever.

who spread out the earth upon the waters, His love endures forever.

who made the great lights— His love endures forever.

the sun to govern the day, His love endures forever.

the moon and stars to govern the night; His love endures forever.

===> In and by His creation, He loves.

to him who struck down the firstborn of Egypt, His love endures forever.

and brought Israel out from among them, His love endures forever.

===> Even in acts that outsiders might deem cruel or unfair, He is demonstrating His love for HIS children. He is demonstrating that even in things that we cannot understand, He is loving us.

with a mighty hand and outstretched arm; His love endures forever.

to him who divided the Red Sea asunder, His love endures forever.

and brought Israel through the midst of it, His love endures forever.

but swept Pharaoh and his army into the Red Sea; His love endures forever.

to him who led his people through the desert, His love endures forever.

who struck down great kings, His love endures forever.

and killed mighty kings— His love endures forever.

Sihon king of the Amorites, His love endures forever.

and Og king of Bashan— His love endures forever.

===> As He protects, leads, FIGHTS, for us, He loves.

and gave their land as an inheritance, His love endures forever.

an inheritance to his servant Israel; His love endures forever.

to the One who remembered us in our low estate, His love endures forever.

and freed us from our enemies, His love endures forever.

and who gives food to every creature. His love endures forever.

Give thanks to the God of heaven. His love endures forever.

===> Even as we are totally undeserving, He blesses us with so much generosity of spirit. In His endless giving to us, He loves.

He loves just by being who He is and doing what He does. Everything that He does is an expression of His love for us. His nature, His creation, His protection, His gifts...... all examples and acts of His love. He loves in ways that I am incapable of loving. I can hardly love effectively when I try to, much less just by being who I am! The truth in this Psalm causes me to be still with the wonder of His love for me, and it brings me so much peaceful rest.

Father, thank you for loving me beyond all capability of my understanding. I know that I can never fully know the depth and breadth of your love for me. I pray that you would continue to reveal it to me, though and that you would continue to give me a heart that joyfully receives it.

IT'S NOT A FORMULA

Tonight's Read: Mark 10

"Our hearts have been described as a 'zoo of lusts, a bedlam of ambitions, a nursery of fears, and a harem of fondled hatreds'." - Max Anders in 30 Days to Understanding the Bible

The bible tells us that "The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure" (Jeremiah 17:9) and I find this to be very true for myself. As a part of my natural personality, I have a difficult time wading through my own feelings and emotions and understanding them. Because of this, I tend to get easily weighed down by my heart. I find it difficult to discern what is just my heart and what is the Holy Spirit speaking to me. Of course there are some times when the voice of God is very clear. But more often than not, I get lost in my feelings.

When this happens, I find myself coming to the Lord looking for answers. I prayerfully ask Him to show me they way, to give me the discernment to sort through my feelings and come out on top, led by His spirit. While I don't believe this prayer is inherently wrong, The Lord has shown me that sometimes, it is not necessary. Sometimes, I need to just seek Him. Not seek Him to find a way, or to answer my questions, but just to be with Him. And likely, whatever question marks I have in my heart will fade in the face of Him. My questions will lose all meaning and significance when I am reminded of who He is.

Tonight I was reading in Mark chapter ten. In this section of scripture, different people ask questions of Jesus regarding how they should live. They ask questions about proper protocol for divorce, paying taxes and tithes, and pursuing life as a disciple of God. In the heart of each question, seems to be a desire for a 'formula' to follow so that the asker can act accordingly and go on about their life. These people are basically asking Jesus for a play by play plan for how to live their lives appropriately. Jesus' response to each question seems to be a repetitive "There is no formula. There is no exact plan to live by. There is no simple, direct answer to the questions that you ask."

The heart of Jesus' response can be found boiled down in his answer to the rich man who wanted to follow Him. (Mark 10:21) In this verse, Jesus, out of his love for the man, tells him to forsake ALL that He has and then follow after Him.

When I read this tonight, I believed it was Jesus' response to me as well. I have been asking Him questions about the muddy waters of my heart. I have been asking Him to reveal to me rules to follow and steps to take. And His answer to me is: "There is no plan. The plan is come to me and cling to nothing else"

He drives a hard bargain. He doesn't say come to Him and then, with baby steps, let go of other things that you hold dear. He says let go of everything that you hold on to and then come to Him and cling to Him. Doing this takes great faith. I know the sorrow of the rich man when Jesus asked him to sell all his wealth. My 'wealth' is not monetary. But regardless, I know the man's sorrow. It is scary and it hurts to let go of the things you cling to. But that is the way. There is no formula. The only formula is to cling to Him and nothing else.

Lord, what you ask us to do before following you is truly difficult. I pray that you would give me the wisdom and the conviction of heart to pursue you in this way. You have pursued my heart relentlessly to win me over. I pray that I could, in return, pursue you wholly, loyally, and completely. I pray that you would give me the strength to cling to only YOU. You are my stronghold, my portion and my cup. You are ENOUGH for me. I pray that you would gently remind me of this sweet truth.

Pslam 119:28 "My soul is weary with sorrow; strengthen me according to your word."
Isaiah 40:29 "He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak."