JUST THE TWO OF US

Psalm 142

After spending most of my life with the Lord, I have seen certain patterns and cycles play out that reveal a lot about who I am, and also about who the Lord is in relation to me. Sometimes I feel as though I'm a dog on the leash with the Lord. I love my master and I want to obey, but inch by inch I slowly eek my way ahead of him and the pace he's got me going at. I want to go ahead, follow my nose and lead us down the path that I choose. But it is when I get to the end of that length of leash that I realize in going too far, I don't get to experience freedom, I just end up choking myself.

I'm not talking about sin patterns here. I'm more just talking about living life, thinking that you are heeling right by the Lord, when in reality, you are slowly inching away from him. One day you look up and realize that he's much farther away than you ever thought and really the only thing that brings you back to him is the fact that your straying has left you feeling tight and choked.

When this happens, I am brought not only to the end of my 'leash', but to the end of myself. And it is in these dead ends of spiritual exhaustion that I am reminded of and comforted by these words, "When my spirit grows faint within me, it is you who know my way." (Pslam 142:3)

I can aimlessly wander, but when I get to the end of myself- it is He who remains steadily walking on the same path that we started on. It is he who remains as I return.

And then, as I come back to walk in step with my master, I recant the words I have said a hundred times before: "Well Lord, here we are again- just you and me." At the end of the day, that's all it ever will be. Regardless of what family, friends and other relationships I have in my life- it is always just him. and. me. And I'm thankful for that. There is a tenderness and security in that which cannot be found in anything on this earth.

Thanking the Lord today that He is steadfast. That He walks the same path that He set out on an eternity ago. And praising Him that no matter how many times I get distracted and wander off- he is always, ALWAYS there, to welcome me home. How great is his love for us- for me!

"Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good; his love endures forever!" Psalm 118:1

Lord, you are so patient and tender with me. Thank you, that no matter what I do, how I forget you or how far I wander- you always wait for me. And thank you, that I can come back to walk in step with you, and find rest in knowing it's just you and me. Forever and always. You are so good to me.

HOW DEEP THE FATHER'S LOVE FOR US

SAY UNCLE!!! (Holding onto God with a death grip)

Genesis 32:22-32

Let me preface today's entry with a disclaimer: I do not profess to fully understand the ways in which God works regarding blessing. I do not hold to the teachings of the prosperity gospel (i.e. the idea that God is Santa Claus and just wants to give you a bunch of 'stuff' to make life for you happy and comfortable.) It is my belief that God doesn't necessarily want us to be primarily happy, but HOLY. However, I do know that God offers blessing upon blessing to those he loves. In fact, a www.biblegateway.com search on the word 'bless' offered 388 findings! James 1:17 says that "Every good and perfect gift is from above." So, as you read today, please don't hear me say that God is at my mercy, being pulled with puppet strings to give me all my 'wants'. That is not what I am aiming to proclaim.

Now, onto today's good stuff.

I grew up in a home with two older brothers. Being the youngest and a girl, it only made perfect sense that I would be mercilessly harassed pretty much all the time. I have many, many memories of being pinned beneath the strong arms of one of the boys and being required to utter words acknowledging their supremacy over me. If I refused to say "Uncle!!", I remained a prisoner of their dominance. Sound familiar to anyone else?

I love, love this passage describing Jacob's struggle with God. First of all, how amazing is it that Jacob was allowed to physically wrestle with the God of the universe? Obviously, God could have overpowered him. But he allowed Jacob to exert all the strength that he could while letting Jacob [likely] feel like just maybe, it was somewhat of a fair match. Which, leads me to believe that maybe God just wanted to see how hard Jacob would try to invest himself in this struggle. Like, how much did Jacob care? Because, you've heard the saying that you can't hate someone you didn't love first. You can't have a vicious, violent argument with someone unless you have deep seeded emotion towards them.

When I came to verse 26 and read "I will not let you go unless you bless me." I thought, 'whoah- pretty bold words there, Jacob! Gettin' a little big for your britches, dontcha think?! How dare you demand such a thing from the Sovereign God?!' But you know what? God did exactly what Jacob asked!

I immediately began thinking about what blessing from God looks like. I know that I do not control God or force him to do as I please. I might 'wrestle' with him. But if for some reason, I do end up on top, with him pinned beneath me, it's only because he humored me enough to let me think I've got a leg up. Similar to running a 'race' with a toddler- as a grown adult you could destroy the kid in a matter of steps, but out of love for them, you let them keep pace with you and ultimately, surrender the win so the kid feels good about themselves. But everyone obviously knows, the toddler cannot actually win against you.

I also thought very much about what it looks and feels like to wrestle and revisited my childhood memories. And God reminded me: you cannot wrestle with someone you are not holding onto for dear life. If your grip is not a death grip- you are not wrestling at all. And in this section of scripture, why does it say God blessed Jacob? Because he struggled with God. This so encouraged me to keep up the faith, keep up the fight and HOLD ON for dear life. Struggles can sometimes be ugly, but you cannot, cannot let go- or you lose everything.

I do not know the specifics of what God can and will bless me with in this life. There are things I hope for, but don't necessarily feel as though He has promised them to me. But there is one thing I know, that I know, that I know that He has promised me with: HIMSELF. He has promised to be my portion, to be enough for me, always be with me, to never leave me or forget me.

After reading this scripture, I am choosing to continue struggling with God, to hold onto him with a death grip- shouting "But you promised!!!" and "I'm not letting go!".

While I will continue to ask my heavenly father for particular blessings, I know, in the deepest depths of my heart- that there is no blessing greater than the opportunity to know Him on an intimate level.

Oh Lord, forgive me for the moments where I begrudge you for having me struggle with you. And thank you for using the struggle to bless me. Thank you for giving me eyes to see that in the wrestling match, my prize is that I get to hold on to you for dear life. While I pray for your providence and your tangible blessings in my life, I pray that you would keep my heart rooted in the real prize: intimacy with you. Thank you for hearing me, loving me and never, ever forsaking me. I love you, Lord.

Romans 9:13 "Jacob I have loved...."

Hebrews 10:23 "Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful."

WHAT'S YOUR SONG?

Psalms 40

Come thou Fount of every blessing,

tune my heart to sing thy grace;

streams of mercy, never ceasing,

call for songs of loudest praise.

Teach me some melodious sonnet,

sung by flaming tongues above.

Praise the mount! I'm fixed upon it,

mount of thy redeeming love.

"He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and the mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God."

The bible talks an awful lot about the things that come out of our mouth. There are far too many scriptures to reference in this short blog, but for starters, check out what James 3 has to say about the use of our mouth. It is with our mouth that we vent our frustrations, shout for joy at victory, quietly curse the driver in front of us, utter our prayers before God and, also, sing our praises to him.

Reading Psalm 40 verse 3 today, I was struck by the word new. Why did the pslamist need a new song? To say he was in need of a new song implies that he already had a song, but it was old and worn out. What was his song about? The 'new song' verse is preceded with mention of his life of despair. (The words 'slimy pit', 'mud' and 'mire' all paint this picture.) I can only imagine that the chorus to the old song was likely very "Woe is me♪♬". While God put a new song in his mouth that was "a hymn of praise to our God."

In light of this, I have no choice but to look at myself and examine what song song I am singing. Am I using my mouth to sing a song of frustration, complaining or even pitifully singing a "Woe is me" lullaby to myself? (All of which 'songs', I might add, are self-focused, not God-focused.) OR am I leaning on the Lord and allowing Him to put a new song in my mouth; a song of praise to him? If I continue to choose the former songs to sing, then Lord have mercy on me. For, "out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks." (Luke 6:45). If all I have to sing about is the woeful things that weigh on my heart and mind, then it's time for a sobering heart check.

My prayer today, for me and for you is that we prayerfully consider what is the 'abundance' of our hearts and then ask God to give us a new song, one that brings praise to him and sets our hearts' focus on who he is and what he has done.

Oh Lord, you are so merciful and so faithful. While I constantly turn back and turn inward, focusing on myself and groaning with self pity and complaint, Lord- you are so faithful to replace my muddiness with the beautiful songs of your praise. Lord, be not far from me today as I cling to you to give me songs of joy, peace and praise to you. Let me sing a song of adoration, with my gaze fixed firmly on you.

Hebrews 12:2 "Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith..." (NIV)

Proverbs 23:7 "For as a man thinketh within himself, so is he...." (ASV)

Psalm 32:7 "You are my hiding place; you will protect me from trouble and surround me with songs of deliverance."

I adore old hymns and this one is one of my favorites. Please have a listen..... Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing.

He Has Made Me Glad

1 Samuel 1

Elements of a story I just read: a love triangle, the tragedy of a barren woman, spiteful cattiness between rival women, bitter weeping, 'craziness', healing (of hearts), miracles, and somehow, a happy ending. Um, is this a soap opera? No, it would be 1 Samuel chapter 1. I'm not going to give any more details of this chapter. It is such a juicy chunk of scripture, you simply must read it for yourself. Go ahead. Do it now. I highly suggest you do your homework for this one, because there may or may not be a pop quiz on the reading today. I'm just sayin'. (The text can be accessed using the link at the top of this post, it's pretty simple.)

Ok, now that you've done your reading, I've got a few questions for you coming away from reading 1 Samuel 1.

Q1. Who is your taunter?

Q2. What does he say?

Q3. What are you believing God for in prayer?

Q4. When was the last time, like Hannah, you poured out your heart to the Lord? (Psalm 62:8)

If you're stuck pondering the answers to the questions, no worries, I've prepared a cheat sheet.

A1. The Devil. Satan. Lucifer. Call him what you want, but ultimately, he's the 'taunter' of us all. (John 8:44)

A2. You can't trust God. He won't do what he said and/or he won't do what's good for you. (Genesis 3:1-5)

A3. I can't answer this one for you, it's different for all of us and most likely evolves as we journey through this life.

A4. Again, only you know the answer to this one, but if it hasn't been recently, I encourage you to ask God to break open the floodgates in your heart so that you might be able to pour out on him the deepest, truest thoughts/feelings/fears in your heart. He can handle it.

While I thoroughly enjoyed reading this chapter in it's entirety, my absolute favorite verse was 18, "...Then she went her way and ate something and her face was no longer downcast." Doesn't sound like much, until you consider the reality sandwiched around this seemingly superfluous detail. Hannah was in desperate need. She chose to pour out her heart to God. She pleaded with him, petitioning his merciful power to meet her needs. Then, just like that, she was no longer sad. Sure, it was a choice she made. But it wasn't a choice based on her circumstances, or on blessings poured out on her. Her choice was based, in faith, on the unchanging God. She could choose to be glad, because she knew he could be trusted.

I already said it, but I will say it again. If you have not poured out your heart to God recently, Psalm 62:8 style, you're just hurting yourself. It is so often, in this emptying out before him, that he shows up with the gift of faith that is enough to hold fast. Enough to make you glad.

*BONUS QUESTION*
Have you chosen to BELIEVE the word of the Lord and then, therefore, choose to 'no longer be sad'? If not, then I encourage you to not wait on your circumstances, but be encouraged by believing in faith. Stand firm on the promises of his faithfulness. He is faithful.

(Note: Hannah didn't decide to 'no longer be sad' once she became pregnant, but once she believed in the Lord's goodness and faithfulness to come through on His promise to her. It was a response to her faith.)

Lord, you are so good to me. You are faithful and you can be trusted. You are the strength of my heart and my portion. I will trust in you. Because you hear my prayers and care deeply for me, I will choose to be glad. Let me bless you with praise from my mouth and worship from my heart. I love you, Lord.

Psalm 21:6
Surely you have granted him unending blessings and made him glad with the joy of your presence.
Psalm 31:7
I will be glad and rejoice in your love, for you saw my affliction and knew the anguish of my soul.

**Give an ear to this beautiful worship song by Hillsong, "Made Me Glad"

HEALING IN THE WORD

Psalm 107

I recently began a new small group with some sisters in Christ and we had a lengthy discussion about accountability, prayer and confession. So often, we are so afraid to admit to others our weaknesses and failings, but 1 John reminds us that "If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness." (1 John 1:8-9) and James 5:16 says "Therefore, confess your sins to each other so that you may be healed."

We don't often think about our need for healing as much as we think about our 'needs' in general. For example, I pray more frequently than I would like to admit about my 'need' for success in work, a mate to partner with, comfort in my circumstances and ease for the goings on of my day ('Lord, help me to have a good day.') And while I do ask for forgiveness, I think my heart is often positioned more towards the need for cleansing than healing. What I'm considering now is the biblical relationship between forgiveness-cleansing-healing.

I will also admit, I am very much an avid practicer of Psalm 62:8 "...POUR out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge.". Being that I am a private person that is not often comfortable wearing my heart on my sleeve or sharing my emotions with other people, I treasure that I can pour my heart out on God. He is a place where I can do my verbal 'dumpings'. Sometimes I am torn about these emotional avalanches that cascade out of my heart and onto the shoulders of God. I think maybe I shouldn't be so focused on praying out my 'feelings' to God and rather, it would be more spiritually mature to be praying something more noble; to have a heart like his, to pray for the lost, to meditate on his word, etc.

I was comforted today when I read Psalm 107 that not only is it okay for me to cry out in emotional distress, but in doing so, I will find the healing that I so desperately need (whether I realized I'm in need of healing or not.) v. 19-20 "Then they cried to the Lord in their trouble, and he saved them from their distress. He sent forth his word and healed them; he rescued them from the grave."

Break it down now: 1. Cry out. I.E. my verbal dumpings/avalanche of emotions

2. Be healed. Not just be listened to or be comforted but be healed.

What struck me most about this verse was how the Lord says he will heal you. By changing your circumstances? By taking away painful things in your life? By giving you a tougher skin against adversity?

By. His. Word.

Based on scripture, I know at least two things about his Word.

GOD'S WORD IS

Powerful "The Word of God is living and active, sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart." (Hebrews 4:12) and John

Eternally Jesus "In the beginning was the Word and the Word was with God and the Word was God." (John 1:1)

In light of all this, thanking God today for this little nugget: "Your word, O Lord, is eternal; it stands firm in the heavens." (Psalm 119:89)

Thank you Lord, that you are a refuge for the mess that is my heart. Thank you that you are big enough to handle my emotional dumpings. And thank you, Lord, that through your unchanging nature, you offer me healing that I so desperately need. Your spirit is a tall drink of water to my thirsty soul. I pray, Lord, that you keep inscribing your word onto my heart as on to stone tablets. Let me not forget the word you've offered me, but cling to it in faith that what you have said is already done. You are my portion, and I will find my joy in you. I love you, Lord.

Sabbatical??

My blogs have been noticeably absent in the last 8-9 months. For those of you who faithfully check in on this blog, I a) So appreciate and am so encouraged by the fact that you are even interested in what is written here; and b) Am sorry that I haven't been actively sharing with you what the Lord has been teaching me. I knew, when I started writing this blog, that it would be a system of self-accountability. If I hadn't written, then it would be obvious that I hadn't been lending my ear to the Teacher long enough (or intentionally enough) to really grasp what He was saying to me. And therefore, would be encouraged to stay walking in the Word, so I'd have much to report here. That being said, I will (sadly) admit that I have not studied the Word with as much voraciousness in the most recent months as I have at some other times in my life. But, nevertheless, the Lord has still been teaching me many things over these past months.

All that to say- I'm back. :) With great conviction and a real hunger. Not just to study God's word, but rather, to let the Word read my heart. As I reflect on my walk, I realize I have been all too comfortable reading the Bible for the purpose of studying to gain knowledge and understanding. While knowledge and understanding of His truth is good, I feel Him leading me even deeper than that. Time for me sit still and quietly, and meditate on the things He has written on my heart.

"But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart." Luke 2:14

Lord, Thank you that you wait patiently for me to slow down enough hear you. Thank you, compassionate Father, that the greatest treasure is not in understanding your word, but in knowing you and the depths of your heart. Thank you, for writing your truths into my heart. And thank you Jesus, that you are patient with me while I ponder these things as you open my eyes to the precious Glory of your Spirit in me.