AN HONEST, IF IRREVERENT PRAYER

I know it might seem unbearably personal, but I want to share this prayer with you. I know that feeling alone, powerless and disappointed are feelings that most, if not all, believers will experience at some point in their lives. I don't mean to be irreverent to the Lord by asking and saying such bold things. But scripture does give us the freedom to "come boldly before the throne of grace, that we may find grace and obtain mercy in our time of need." (Hebrews 4:16 NKJV). And, it also tells us to 'pour out our hearts to him' (Psalm 62:8). It doesn't say to pour out just the parts that are pretty or pleasant. It says to pour out our hearts. Now, I don't know about you, but my heart has a LOT of stuff in it. Some of it is kind of nice and good. However, a lot of it.... not so much.

I have been going through a season of my life where I feel as though I have gone out on a limb in trusting the Lord with my life in it's entirety. I am struggling now with trusting him with that ultimate control of my life. As I'm fumbling around, trying to deal with my struggles in my own power, I cried out to the Lord, from the deepest depths of my heart, in a prayer tonight.

Although it is quite intimidating to share such an intimate thing, I want to share this prayer with you. I suppose I want you to know, that even in my struggles, even in my season of doubt and distrust, I know what the Lord says. I know his word to be true. We will likely all go through these seasons, but praise the Lord that "The faithful love of the Lord never ends! His mercies never cease. Great is his faithfulness; his mercies begin afresh each morning." (Lamentations 3:22-23 NLT) Because of this, I believe, he allows mercy for our doubts, our fears, our frustrations born of small faith. I don't like being in a place where I doubt him. But I praise him with all thankfulness and glory to him that he provides me that mercy to walk in that is renewed each day. Man, I sure do love my Lord.

Here is the prayer I wrote to him tonight:
Sunday, May 2, 2010

I have to admit, Lord, I'm quite angry with you. I know my anger is unrighteous, self-righteous, and inherently evil. But your word tells me to pour out my heart to you. I am here to pour myself out before you. I don't often know what to say. I don't even know that I can articulate what I'm feeling. I will start with what I do know and just share my heart with you. My heart, after all, is yours--- you might as well know what's inside.

I am so angry. I just want to hit something. I want to go before you and scream. I know that you have every good right to strike me dead before you for my irreverent display of immature faithlessness. I can't say that I hate you. I hate where you have me. I hate how I feel. But I fear you enough to never say that I hate you. I do want to say 'why?', though. Why do you have me hurting like this? Why do you have me feeling SO ALONE? I feel so, so empty, pale and dark. I feel empty yet so burdened. I feel the weight of the world is crushing my shell of a soul. Why do I have to hurt like this? Am I not 'getting' something? Why does my frail heart have to endure this deep of a wound? Why does the tenderness in my heart have to bear this burden of loneliness?

I am angry at you. I am angry because I know it is in your power to act. You could pull me from this in this very instant. You could fix my heart. You could lift the burden. You could fill the emptiness and repair the festering wounds. But you sit silent. And the only words you speak are 'no'.

I wish I was a Job; one who was 'crushed' but never curses you. I know that's who I should be. But my faith is apparently so small. I just hurt so much.

Your word tells me that you give and take away. All I see you do is take away. Take. Take. Take. I know it is all rightfully yours. But Lord, don't you have some compassion for me? Doesn't your heart hurt for me like it did for Mary and Martha? Don't you love me? Don't you want to heal me? Don't you want to be merciful to me? Where are you?

I can't do it. I can't stay like this. I can't be filled with this hurt, bitterness, anger and disappointment. I can't have a life like this. I just want to be taken away. I just want to be away from this world. It is too much right now. I can't bear it.

So, I quietly drum through my day like a robot. No purpose, no passion, no heart. How can I give my heart to my 'purpose' here when I feel as though my heart has been stolen from me. It has disappeared into oblivion. Where my heart has gone, I don't know. All I know is the burning wounds it's absence has left behind.

I don't want to be filled with hate. I don't want to be angry at you. I NEED you. I need you to hear me. I need you to act. I need you to be ENOUGH for me. Won't you be what you promised to be? Hear me now, Lord! I can't do this on my own. I can't bear this weight of my own broken heart. My heart is broken within me. How did it break? I don't know. But I know that YOU are the only one who can fix it. Please, Lord, have mercy on me now. Have mercy on my weak, weak soul. I'm just wasting away.

Forgive me, Jesus. Forgive me for my weak and miserable faith. I am not worthy of your mercy. I, in my irreverence, don't deserve your kindness. My faith is much too small to comprehend your goodness. I cannot fathom it, but I know it to be true. Your word says it is IMPOSSIBLE for you to lie. Please teach me to believe your promises. And Lord, forgive me. Forgive me for not trusting you. Forgive me for making a god out of so many things born of my own flesh. Forgive me for making an idol of marriage, of relationship, of love, of my own comfort. Forgive me for placing my own desires on the altar. Forgive me, Lord. I don't deserve your mercy.

Be merciful to me now, Lord. Come to me. Hear me. Hear and act. Heal me now. Meet me in my darkest hour. Carry me. Carry this burden now. Carry this burden and let YOUR NAME be glorified. Let YOUR renown be known because your mercy to me in this burden of hopelessness.

I do love you. I can't run from you. I know I can't escape you and I fear that now. Teach me to find comfort in that. Teach me to rest in knowing that I don't have to run, except to you. Teach me to let you be my refuge. And forgive me for refusing to let you be my Lord. I'm not worthy of you. Thank you for not leaving me now. I don't even know how to say how much I need you. I need you, I need you, I need you. Please Lord, be mine. Don't ever let me be mine. I am not my own, I am yours.

Unless a kernel of wheat dies, it can never bear new life. The new life I bear Lord, I bear in you. Teach me to die to myself and find joy in it. Teach me to find comfort and thanksgiving in dying to myself in exchange for your glory and ABUNDANCE.

I don't even know what to say.

I am yours.

Bethany


I encourage you, wherever you are in your life right now, pour out your heart to him. He is enough for you.(Psalm 73:25-26)